Can Mentor become Friend?!
I have had an Autism mentor now for 1.5 years. he has been very helpful, he advises me and helps me in communicating with NT's and as a result, I'm doing much better in my current position than previously. I have been in a cycle of getting a job easily but retention is low because of the dreaded "intrapersonal communications".
Then over Christmas, we had an argument. I'm hurt because I feel that I have lost a friend. It's really pathetic that this hired mentor is the only confidant I have had like that, the only such friend. Currently, he is the only real-life friend I have had for over 5 years.
The argument caused me to loose trust in him as a mentor. So I can't see a way of having him as a mentor anymore. I told him that although it was hard I had to write most of it because I become mute when under distress. I can't verbalise, I try to write but even that starts to get scrambled and my handwriting is bad.
Then he says if he can't mentor me whether he can be my friend instead. I explained I did not want charity, that I did not understand his intentions and was confused and don't know what to do. So he writes me the following email.
I suppose it's about trust. I hadn't realised this with any clarity yesterday - this is me, rationalising the suggestion after the fact - but I needed a way for you to be able to trust me again. It was clear that you had lost your trust in me because of the XXX argument, and when this option of simply removing the financial component occurred to me during our conversation it immediately felt like the right thing for me to do*.
And I do (generally) enjoy our meetings. I'd much rather lose you as a client so that I can keep you as a friend. It's as simple as that; it would be a mistake to overthink it beyond this. XXX will find ways to serve up enough frustration, stress and fuckwittery for you to deal with, so you really don't need to add in any additional anxiety on my account. Keep it simple.
XXX
* 'Felt' is important here, as I tend to act upon the basis of what feels coherent in my gut (the option that 'feels right'). I rarely make rational decisions (i.e. I rarely weigh up the different options on a rational, calculating basis). I realise that this is not how you operate, and that it may well seem like a prime example of emotion-driven neurotypical irrationality, but hey.
I'm not thick, I realise he is not really going to be a friend, there is something else, something NT going on here. I don't know how to respond. I'm really confused, I don't know why he would offer this. Does anyone of you understand this or have experienced something similar?
He certainly is right about
_________________
Was diagnosed with ASD in early 2015, it has been a journey since then, learned a lot and things are starting to make sense that didn't before
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 178 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 19 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
Then over Christmas, we had an argument. I'm hurt because I feel that I have lost a friend. It's really pathetic that this hired mentor is the only confidant I have had like that, the only such friend. Currently, he is the only real-life friend I have had for over 5 years.
The argument caused me to loose trust in him as a mentor. So I can't see a way of having him as a mentor anymore. I told him that although it was hard I had to write most of it because I become mute when under distress. I can't verbalise, I try to write but even that starts to get scrambled and my handwriting is bad.
Then he says if he can't mentor me whether he can be my friend instead. I explained I did not want charity, that I did not understand his intentions and was confused and don't know what to do. So he writes me the following email.
I suppose it's about trust. I hadn't realised this with any clarity yesterday - this is me, rationalising the suggestion after the fact - but I needed a way for you to be able to trust me again. It was clear that you had lost your trust in me because of the XXX argument, and when this option of simply removing the financial component occurred to me during our conversation it immediately felt like the right thing for me to do*.
And I do (generally) enjoy our meetings. I'd much rather lose you as a client so that I can keep you as a friend. It's as simple as that; it would be a mistake to overthink it beyond this. XXX will find ways to serve up enough frustration, stress and fuckwittery for you to deal with, so you really don't need to add in any additional anxiety on my account. Keep it simple.
XXX
* 'Felt' is important here, as I tend to act upon the basis of what feels coherent in my gut (the option that 'feels right'). I rarely make rational decisions (i.e. I rarely weigh up the different options on a rational, calculating basis). I realise that this is not how you operate, and that it may well seem like a prime example of emotion-driven neurotypical irrationality, but hey.
I'm not thick, I realise he is not really going to be a friend, there is something else, something NT going on here. I don't know how to respond. I'm really confused, I don't know why he would offer this. Does anyone of you understand this or have experienced something similar?
He certainly is right about
I have to ask what was the argument about? You can PM me if you would rather. I may not get back to you right away because I have to sleep all day - I work tonight.
_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.
leejosepho
Veteran
Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock
I suppose it's about trust... I needed a way for you to be able to trust me again.
Your mentor is using the word "friends" only as a convenient substitute for "mentor-client"...and to me, all of that sounds condescending.
_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================
I suppose it's about trust... I needed a way for you to be able to trust me again.
Your mentor is using the word "friends" only as a convenient substitute for "mentor-client"...and to me, all of that sounds condescending.
Yes, I don't think he is my friend at all, while I 'm pathetically desperate for a friend, he picks up on that and is trying to manipulate me back into a mentor-client relationship via a back door.
He is right I don't trust him, it is a trust issue and so I don't care for him to mentor me.
_________________
Was diagnosed with ASD in early 2015, it has been a journey since then, learned a lot and things are starting to make sense that didn't before
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 178 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 19 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
I would try to pick up a hobby or two. Physical hobbies like running or cycling are the best.
It's awful that you are manipulated or even feel that way.
I like to develop software and I work as a software developer, I also like computer games and spend a lot of time on them.
I have taken up running but got injured and am building up strength after that.
I don't really see that that relates to the topic, though. Running will not teach me how to handle my manager or listen to my social blunders and help me understand why my managers are changing what they say all the time or suddenly get angry for no reason.
I'm around people a lot I work from 7 to 6 and then just rest in the evening by playing games or walking the dog. I don't really easily make friends. I'm fine with initial small talk and greeting, I have learnt to do that well. I just can't easily go beyond that.
This is why it is very hard for me to understand what he means, what his intentions are. Is it possible that he genuinely wants to be friends, or is he just buying time until he thinks I have mellowed?
I just don't get it and I'm rather confused.
One forum member suggested in PM that I cut off the relationship altogether and have closure. I don't really know how a closure works or how to manage that. I become very helpless in a confrontational situation, because when I need to speak about personal issues or am under distress I fail to verbalise. I mean I know a lot of stuff that I want to say but it just does not come out, I don't say it. Leaves me vulnerable.
Most of the time that people become difficult I just walk away and stop interacting but with him I would actually want to be able to have him as a friend, but not as mentor.
I just can't imagine that his msg is genuine. I think he still just sees me as client.
_________________
Was diagnosed with ASD in early 2015, it has been a journey since then, learned a lot and things are starting to make sense that didn't before
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 178 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 19 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
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