awkwardness over personal questions

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This may have been posted about before (possibly by me even) but I just encountered this again and regard it as a major obstacle in social interaction - to the point of avoiding said social interaction, because I know it's going to happen.
I am very compartmentalized. If I am at an interest group, I wish to engage on that interest and not much else. I prefer interacting with someone on a specific topic, or for a specific reason, and not stray past that parameter. For example, I have been going to the same restaurant fairly consistently for years, served by the same waitress, and I don't even know her name. We never exchange more than either an acknowledgement of the order and mutually polite thanks, or something idle about the weather if it happens to be unusually cold/hot/wet/windy.
I attend a religious group, and vastly prefer to stick to religious study, and talk about topics related to spirituality.
But then it happens - people start asking me unrelated personal questions, and my proverbial wires cross.
I'm at the coffee break in my spiritual group, and someone asks me what I do for work, if I have a partner, if I am studying, if I have traveled, what I do for fun.
Not only is it not on topic so I can't adapt very well, but like many autistics, I have a very low functional level. I am well below development for my age. People expect me to have an adult life, and a past, because I look vaguely like an adult. They expect me to be working and have a dedicated career, be studying, in a long term heterosexual relationship possibly with children, have made money and traveled the world, and have a generally full docket of leisure activities and friends and so on - in essence, be perfectly functional.
I find it very difficult to have any answers, and being asked is confusing and awkward and shaming. I don't ask others these kinds of personal questions, assuming that if they wanted to tell me about their job/study/spouse/leisure, they would.
Telling the truth, as I am pathologically liable to do, alienates me from any further interaction.
Is it just accepted behaviour now, to ask others probing personal questions unrelated to the situation you are in? Isn't this rude and socially unacceptable / nosy?
I don't understand why this is necessary - especially at the spiritual group, there is an unending array of interesting choices to discuss in relation to that topic. I have been going there over a year with the same people and I do not know, nor have any reason to want to know, what they do for work or how many children they have. It is not relevant. It's also not interesting, compared with the philosophical discussions we could be having, about an actually fascinating topic. Why do people want to drag it down into the minutia of petty personal situations?
Why isn't it enough to know someone within the parameters of your specific situation - whether they're a work colleague and you only know them in that context, or an acquaintance at an interest group or class and you have a lot in common within that interest? Why do people see fit to encroach with these questions into areas of personal life that don't concern them at all - often when they don't even know you?
Maybe I'm old fashioned but it seems dreadfully forward. I don't appreciate being put on the spot in this way, as it then forces me to try and come up with some socially slick way of deflecting the inquiry without me coming off as the rude one for pointing out that it's really none of their business.
It makes me wary about socializing, as there seems no "win" in this stalemate and I don't like to be asked.
That actually turned into more of a rant than I was intending.
Thoughts?

I dislike people I don't know asking me personal questions too, I find it intrusive. Would I feel that way if I had a "good" job, a husband, a social life and reasonable social status? I don't know, because I've never had any of those things and I'm naturally reserved. Perhaps I'd be more inclined to disclose snippets of personal information if I had more confidence and experience.

Neurotypicals tend to engage in small talk without thinking about it too much - it's just the way they communicate. Some of them ask questions on autopilot and not really care how you are or what job you do; others are genuinely interested, and see it as a stepping stone to getting to know you better. There are also people who ask personal questions because they are nosey and want to pry or assess your worth.

It is becoming more socially acceptable to ask people you hardly know, personal questions, and I think that social media is partly to blame for that. People often over-share online and that permeates into real life. If you are a private person, you might be treated with suspicion, and the more simple-minded people may think you have something to hide. I think it's much classier to keep some things to yourself.

If you develop a rapport with someone, I understand that they may ask you about your private life or vice versa - people wouldn't become close friends otherwise - but it depends on the question, and how it's phrased. It should come naturally for both parties to feel comfortable.

The people in your group, when on a break, probably just want to chill out a little and it's their way of breaking the ice. You say you feel alienated; in what way? How do the others react to you? When you say you "tell the truth", does that mean you've told them you're autistic or that you don't want to discuss personal things? You've been going there for a year so you must feel somewhat comfortable in their company.

I understand the feeling you get when people ask personal questions. It really reminds me of how bad I don't fit in, how different I am, and how little I think of myself. I have people ask me if I'm mariried all the time. I say no, I'm work too much or don't make enough money which technically is true. The part I keep to myself is that I don't know how to interact with people my age since I have no friends, work too much, feel very behind in life, stick to my hobbies when I find the time. I can't tell anyone that I've never had a girlfriend, only 1 date ever where she even asked me about my last relationship which I had to lie about. I am just broken and want to do my job and go home anymore, not answer questions because if I told the truth, nobody will understand.

I wonder similarly. But of course as you say, we can never know. If a successful career and relationship and so on were to magically materialize overnight, I still have my whole history of being guarded, reserved, ashamed of my level of dysfunction. Perhaps it's like growing up poor - even if you won the lottery tomorrow, it's too late - you'd still be all "I'm not paying six bucks for that! Highway robbery!"

It's awkward because when the group discusses actual topics - content - I am able to engage well. I go because that part is interesting and enlightening. I do feel comfortable discussing topics. But when it comes to discussing me, there is nothing I can say that others want to hear. Because all they want to hear are the right answers, those demanded by the social contract, the script. My truth would not be a welcome one. Hear it and they'd smile awkwardly, fall into awkward silence, and then make some thin excuse to walk away. I do wear an autism medical alert ID bracelet and I'm weird, so regular attendees do know I'm autistic. And I'm pathologically honest - if asked a direct question, I can either refuse to answer (which is interpreted as a rude rebuff, and an indication of not wishing to discuss anything at all) or tell the truth, and no one can accept that truth.

Bingo. It seems to me that this is the purpose behind these questions. They are attempting to place you in a social hierarchy and assess your level of worth according to that structure. This rating determines whether or not your company is worth pursuing, depending on whether you have achieved the expected outcomes. If not, you are ostracized. It's a kind of interview, one in which you are expected to "sell yourself" and convince them of your favourable social standing and thus, your worthiness to merit further interaction.
There's no way this inquisition reflects well on me.
If people really wanted to get to know what I am like as a person, then discussing philosophy or spirituality should surely give them a better understanding of my nature than discovering if I have a partner or what job I do.
"Getting to know you" seems a thin veneer laid over "ranking your social standing to assess if you're worth bothering with, or will elevate my own."

Me too. Which is why I find personal questions shaming. I already know what others think of people like me. That I cannot come up with the answers they expect exposes me for what I am not - a successful, fully functional, neurotypical adult with their sh!t together.

I think they're just trying to get to know the group more personally to make a friend with a common interest. You must've said or done something for them to spike an interest in you.

Maybe you could briefly explain that because you're autistic, you'd rather not discuss your personal life, and would rather just talk about religion and spirituality? You wouldn't even have too mention your autism - or justify why - that's just your choice, you're there for one thing only. Some people might be offended, especially if they find you interesting and want to get to know you personally, but no one has a right to impose on anyone. They'll just have to deal with that and move on.

Yes, neurotypicals seem to have an odd kind of respect for hierarchy, and will do whatever they can to fit in (and try to make others fit in) and can't understand why some people do not or cannot conform. People who conform, are considered to possess "excellent social skills" and are rewarded with respect and popularity. I think that's a rather backward way of thinking. To me, having good social skills means respecting other people's boundaries and understanding that not everyone can be pushed into a particular mould. Unfortunately hierarchies have existed for thousands of years and they keep most people in line, so nothing will change

It's a good thing that you are out there interacting with people (it's a lot more than I dare do at the moment) even if you don't really "get" one another, because eventually you may stop worrying about their intentions and just stick to the topics that are relevant to you.

C2V, I've been on both sides of this at different times. You're right that philosophical and spiritual questions can bring people together on a deeper level than a lot of casual conversation can. I get annoyed with the same old and tired conversation topics. The difference though is that the deeper topics don't necessarily lead to friendships outside the group without some of those other questions about your life.

People look for commonalities and sometimes to learn a little something about another person's lifestyle. For example, I like asking what people do for fun because that can spark fun conversations and can even lead to going out somewhere to share a common interest with someone. Career matters a lot to many people, so asking about that can shed some light on who they are. If someone isn't working, I might ask a question about what they wish they were doing, or what they've done before, did they like it, ETC. to see if the conversation goes anywhere.

I won't ask you how you respond to the personal questions in case you don't want to share the answers with the forum either. But have you tried vague, but truthful, answers, or partial answers? Or you could answer the career-related questions with something like, "To be honest, I come to this group to get away from everyday concerns and talk about the things that really matter to me, like XYZ spiritual topic."

Hell, that's actually a good explanation. And not one I would have thought of, obviously. I have trouble with the concept of friendship or what the purpose of it is outside a utilitarian context, as I'm blind to social emotions.
If I am talking to someone, it's to gain or give information. I don't care about anyone else's lifestyle unless there is some information in it that I need (such as I may be interested in adopting a similar behaviour). I don't mind others asking me about topics related to my life if they are interested in the information to inform their own life.
This may be why I find purely social occasions impossible - there is no subject matter, no focus, no point except to pry into other people's personal lives for some kind of emotional gratification I don't understand. If there's an activity, great. That provides the purpose of the social gathering.
This sort of explanation makes it both clearer and more difficult to understand. If this is so ... yeah, I might be more different from others than I thought, which probably makes things more difficult interacting with them.

^So that means you aren't really looking to connect with anyone in the group for an outside friendship? Friendships are all about understanding who someone is in different contexts, what motivates them, how they feel, how you can help, stuff like that, and they understand you in return. Of course, lots of friendships don't go that deep. People bond over common interests and make plans to get together based on those too, or they just stay friendly within the group.

I don't know. This is crazy - I actually don't understand. This paradigm makes it much clearer why one of the men in the group kept asking me if I wanted to come and visit him, however. I had initially wondered - for what reason? What purpose would that serve? What could we possibly be doing? I was awkward about it because I knew it would likely involve the sort of personal inquiry outlined above and I have no answers to those questions.
I guess every "connection" I have ever had has wanted something from me. I served a purpose in some way, and sometimes, there was mutual utility. People come and go, often because of that utility - someone to travel with, people at groups to discuss ideas with, even sexual partners. They had their uses and I never behaved unethically or abusively toward any of those people.
I just really don't understand this other form of socialization. What does one do with an outside friend? How does that even work? Needless to say, my ability to "connect" to anyone on the basis of purely social emotions - attachment, affection, etc is basically non-existent.

What does one do with a friend outside a group or without a specific purpose? Anything: getting together to talk about lots of different things, watching a movie together, going out somewhere, things like that. Of course, although I wouldn't usually use the word, there is a kind of utility in good friendships too. You can call on someone if you need encouragement, a favor, someone to listen, someone to make you laugh, etc. and you can help another person, adding more meaning to your life.