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Joe90
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09 Apr 2017, 12:04 pm

Sometimes when I'm out somewhere like a shopping mall, and people are talking all around me, I think that I hear tactless remarks about me or aimed at me.
A couple months ago I had a cold, and I was walking along a busy high street. There was a group of lads waiting at a bus stop, could be aged anywhere between 17 and 25, and I'm sure I heard one of them say "man flu!" as I walked by. I thought for a moment, and tried to rationalise my thoughts. I didn't look like I had a cold on the outside, as it was a subtle sort of cold (it was actually a mild cold so I didn't look like I had a cold, and I wasn't holding a tissue or anything to make it obvious). So I had to tell myself that he probably said a word that sounded like "man flu", or he might have said "man flu" to one of his mates, as maybe one of them had a cold too or something.

Is there a term for this type of thing, where you imagine hearing inappropriate or tactless comments being said about you when in actual fact they were most probably saying something completely different and not even noticed you? Does anyone else have this?


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the_phoenix
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09 Apr 2017, 12:34 pm

I had to look up the phrase "man flu" on Google:

"Man flu is a pejorative phrase that refers to the idea that men, when they have a cold, exaggerate and claim they have the flu. Whilst a commonly used phrase in the UK and Ireland, it is referred to in other cultures and there is a continuing discussion over the scientific basis for the phrase."

So my guess is that the comment was not directed at you. The flu has been going around everywhere this year, so it's likely that someone in the group that you passed by had the flu, and they were probably joking about somebody in the group.

If it was directed at you, it was a very poor and stupid attempt at being mean. So I would disregard it.



mokalilium
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10 Apr 2017, 3:39 pm

yes sometimes at school I can relate to the same thing. when i hear people say she this or she that i always assume its always about me and it drives me insane...



arielhawksquill
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10 Apr 2017, 9:51 pm

Yes, there is a term for this: "hostile attribution bias".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_attribution_bias



Joe90
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12 Apr 2017, 1:35 pm

arielhawksquill wrote:
Yes, there is a term for this: "hostile attribution bias".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_attribution_bias


Yes maybe it could be that. It describes me when it said that these feelings as an adult can be caused by rejection by peers at school, and I was nothing but rejected by peers in my teenage years. It has harmed my self-esteem.

I think most of my social anxieties are caused by how I was treated at school. Whenever I was bullied, it was by kids I didn't even know, on my way home from school. So I think that has made me grow up to think that strangers in the street have something against me more so than people that I know.


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14 Apr 2017, 8:13 am

There was a time when I was self concious about a particular facial feature, so if I heard anybody around me say the name of it I would assume they were pointing me out for ridicule. There was one or two times when it did happen for real which is what made me hypersensitive to it, I felt that any random person on the street would behave the same way so I was walking around feeling anxious.

It's better to address the root cause of the issue, by accepting that I look the way I do, I can walk around worry free. Do you think you look somewhat masculine or did someone say that to you once? It's possible that could be the root of your anxiety, because I am inclined to believe the man flu comment was not directed at you.



Joe90
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15 Apr 2017, 12:19 pm

Man flu is a British slang to call people who act like they're dying when they only have a slight cold, but these days people seem to be calling a cold 'man flu' whether the person is unwell with it or not. It has nothing to do with what gender you are. I don't look masculine anyway, but because I thought I heard them say "man flu!" as I was walking past, and I did have a cold, I immediately assumed they were aiming it at me. But in reality, they probably didn't even see me or notice me.
There's about a million people that live or come to the city I live in, so the streets are often crowded with all sorts of different people, so it is next to impossible to stand out if you tried. There are homeless people living on the streets, weird druggies and chavs, lots of foreign people and muslims, and also a lot of snobby people too, so you get a mixture of all sorts of groups. I try to tell myself that fact, but it still doesn't stop me feeling self-conscious and worried that everybody is against me.


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15 Apr 2017, 12:27 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Man flu is a British slang to call people who act like they're dying when they only have a slight cold, but these days people seem to be calling a cold 'man flu' whether the person is unwell with it or not. It has nothing to do with what gender you are. I don't look masculine anyway, but because I thought I heard them say "man flu!" as I was walking past, and I did have a cold, I immediately assumed they were aiming it at me. But in reality, they probably didn't even see me or notice me.
There's about a million people that live or come to the city I live in, so the streets are often crowded with all sorts of different people, so it is next to impossible to stand out if you tried. There are homeless people living on the streets, weird druggies and chavs, lots of foreign people and muslims, and also a lot of snobby people too, so you get a mixture of all sorts of groups. I try to tell myself that fact, but it still doesn't stop me feeling self-conscious and worried that everybody is against me.


Okay, with this further information in hand ...
here's how mischievous little me might have dealt with it,
if I were feeling in an especially spunky mood:

When whoever it was called out, "Man flu!"
I might have looked at them with "innocent, wide-eyed" sympathy
and said, "God bless you!"
as if they had sneezed.

Then I would have, politely and still acting innocently, moved on. :mrgreen:



jrjones9933
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15 Apr 2017, 12:42 pm

This seems familiar. I noticed that I feel more like people criticize me when I have a lot of other stress, and that correlation makes me disregard the apparent perception and process it as information about my own state of mind.


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16 Apr 2017, 10:33 am

Recently I hear my name a lot when I walk around in public but I don't think anyone is actually saying it.



Lerxst
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16 Apr 2017, 11:18 am

Yes, this is a very common cognitive distortion referred to as personalization. I used to have a lot of problems with it, particularly whenever my anxiety was up pretty high, bordering on panic attacks. CBT group therapy really helped, and continuously reassuring myself that the odds of what was said actually being about me are miniscule. It can be easy to mislead ourselves this way if we're particularly caught up in our own state of being at the time, as anxiety was doing to me.

arielhawksquill wrote:
Yes, there is a term for this: "hostile attribution bias".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_attribution_bias


Not exactly. Hostile attribution bias applies more when what someone says IS actually referring to you, and you always take it in a hostile way, no matter how they say it. Not the same thing really. :)



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17 Apr 2017, 5:35 pm

Sticks and stones will break my bones.
But names will never hurt me.

I ignore nasty people, making fun of others in a nasty way & insinuation are a sign of low selfesteem & passive agression.