This is a project I started a few months ago. It's basically a set of rules for social behavior.
I would like this thread to be a place where people can suggest their own entries. Once I have enough I'll publish them somewhere online, perhaps even submit them to WP as an article. Of course I will give credit to all contributors.
Even if you don't want to read the whole article, please submit your own entries so they can be included : )
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1- Deal with damaged and stained clothing immediately.
Slightly damaged or stained clothing must be immediately replaced or repaired, even though it is still servicible. You may think they won't notice, but they will. NTs equate a tidy appearance with self-respect, are unaware that we do not make this assumption and are extremely alert to slight imperfections in our wardrobe and grooming habits.
2- Initiate conversation gradually
Conversation is initiated through body language, not verbally. There are three steps. If you skip any of these steps, NTs will think you are strange, and avoid you. Do not skip directly to step 3. This is known as "coming on too strong."
Step 1- Smile, open body language. Wait for reciprocation.
Step 2- Small talk, getting to know you, shallow information sharing. Wait for reciprocation.
Step 3- Serious conversation, deep information sharing. Wait for reciprocation.
3- Don't be a ninja
We should make others aware of our presence before we get too close to them to avoid "sneaking up." Clearing the throat, treading heavily, humming softly, or calling out an informal greeting are ways of doing this. A good rule of thumb is to never come within 1 yard of someone you wish to greet without first making yourself known to him or her.
4- Take care of your hair
Rule #1 applies to all aspects of personal appearance. As unimportant as it may seem to you to comb your hair, unkempt hair will be noticed. For men, keep the hair short by having a haircut at least once every 5 weeks. Comb your hair in the morning, and carry a small comb with you throughout the day for touchups, if your hair tends to get mussed easily or you have a habit of running your fingers through your hair.
5- Don't pause or think too much during conversations
We should remember that long pauses can kill or at least slow down a conversation. NTs are often unable to pick up the "broken" thread of conversation after a few minutes of downtime. If you can't think of a response within 5 seconds, return control of the conversation to the NT. "I dunno, what do YOU think?"
6- Wait for an opening to join a group
We must wait for an opening, or lull in the activity so that we are not "interrupting." Next we approach in a relaxed manner and test the receptivity of the NTs by smiling. If open body language is reciprocated, we proceed to initiate small talk, etc.
7- Don't wear sandals with socks
It is apparently extremely important not to wear socks and sandals at the same time even though it is more hygenic and many people have ugly feet.
8- Don't wear geeky clothing
T-shirts that clue others in to "geeky" obsessions such as Star Trek, anime or video games should be avoided. Some skaters, club kids and punk types are able to pull off an ironic "camp" chic but getting away with this requires a subtle fashion sense that you probably don't have.
9- Look for boredom "tells"
If the NT is bored, he will stop making eye contact, glance around the room, fidget, and make only passively elicited and insubstantial contributions to the conversation. His affect may become flat and unemotional. If he tries to change the subject, don't resist, just follow his lead.
10- Be shallow, be positive
Shallowness gets a bad rap. Generally speaking, nonserious casual conversations, as well as those in the early stages, do not easily tolerate negativity and seriousness. Think of conversation as a fire that has to be carefully stoked, first with light fuel (twigs leaves and pine needles) later with weightier material (sticks) and finally serious sharing and discussion (logs). Don't "smother" the conversation dumping too much on your partner all at once. "Hi my name is John what is your philosophy of life?" Bad move.
11- Look on the bright side
If an NT shares some information with you, think of a positive response rather than a negative response. If he tells you he is going skiing this weekend, don't quote fatality statistics or complain of the lack of snowfall. A better response would be to ask him what level he skis at.
12- Let a lady dress you
Ask a woman you trust and follow her advice. Not your mother, someone your own age. Girlfriends are good for this if you can find one, or a female friend or sister if you can't. Ask her to take you shopping and put together a few outfits for you. Store those outfits together so you won't forget the appropriate combinations.
13- Get a starter girlfriend
Ok I know I'll get flamed for this, but you may benefit from dating someone you are not strongly interested in. She will help you "fix" many of your Aspie traits, so follow her advice about how to walk, stand, speak, and dress. Being in a relationship will also give you more confidence around other women and you may eventually be able to trade her in for a better model.
14- Reverse questions
Sometimes NTs will ask you about something because they want to talk about it themselves. For example, "have you ever been to india" might really mean "I want to tell you about my trip to India." You can reverse the question: "No, have you?"
15- Consume conspicuously
Don't be afraid to spend money and wear name brand clothing. NTs won't think you're pretentious, they'll think you look nice, and may subconsciously assume that you have money. Two years out of college I had 20k US in the bank, but all my friends, who were themselves deeply into credit card debt, in typical NT fashion assumed I was barely getting by because all my clothes were over very old. Remember, NTs show off their money by putting expensive clothing on their bodies. If you don't do this, they assume it must be because you can't, ie that you are poor.
16- If you don't, you can't
The NTs all had a secret meeting when we weren't looking and came up with a list of goals that all people must agree on. It is assumed that everyone has these goals, and if you don't pursue them, it will be further assumed that you are unable to attain them. If you wear old clothes or drive an ugly car, they will assume that you "can't afford nice things," not that you are prudent and responsible, saving money for the future. So make some kind of effort to keep up with the Joneses, but not to the point of bankrupting yourself.
17- Make sure your clothes match
Don't make the mistake of wearing different shades of a single color or a full outfit of a single color. Also, make sure your socks match.
18- Shower once daily
Shower once a day, use shampoo, soap and deodorant. Brush your teeth daily. Do not tell yourself that you are going for the unkempt "rockstar" look. Very few people can pull this off.
19- Keep healthy hours
Keeping odd hours can also inconvencience your friends, roommates and family, cause skin problems, age you prematurely, and put you in a bad temper. Also, NTs associate the night with sin and secrecy. If you're constantly up all night, they may think you are creepy and possibly a criminal. A good rule is to be in bed by 1AM.
20- Don't stare
People you see in the street are not on the TV screen. They can see you seeing them. Don't stare.
21- Stand up straight
To get a sense of how you should be standing, line your back up against a wall and try to hold that posture. Ask a friend or girlfriend to warn you when you start to slouch.
Last edited by beautifulspam on 24 May 2007, 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
24 May 2007, 2:20 pm
