Not having anything to say during a conversation

Post Reply New Topic

I generally enjoy participating in conversations, but I often have the problem that I can't come up with anything meaningful to say. I tend to quickly run out of topics and when that happens I get very uncomfortable because I can't stand that awkward silence (when it's just one person and me). When being in a group, I'm often the one who kind of drops out of the conversation because I either can't keep up with what's being said (especially if several people talk about different things at the same time) or because I'm not familiar with the topics being discussed. It makes me feel a bit empty as well as isolated from the "social world", which has become worse in the last years given that I got tired of playing computer games and that I don't have the feeling of belonging anywhere. I want to find my place in this world, but I don't really know how to go about it yet. This forum seems to be a good start though.
Does anyone of you guys have similar experiences or problems? What would you do in a situation like this?

I was like this in my earlier part of my life, but now I think I talk too much, lol. Almost like I'm now catching up on lost time.

To think of more things to say: the theory is, ask the other person questions about themselves.

People are usually interested in talking about themselves, so when you feel like you don't know what to say to keep a conversation alive, ask them something about them.

Ask about their work, their hobbies, pets, or if they are wearing something unusual ask about it. Get them talking about themselves and really listen. If you listen to what they say, it will give you ideas for follow-on topics. If someone says their hobby is photography ask them what subjects they like to photograph most.

If they say they mostly like landscapes, ask them what their favorite location is. If they say a place you've been, you can now mention your own visit there. If they say a place you've never been ask them more about it.

Always switch the focus of the conversation to the other person if you run out of things to talk about.

I know what you mean. In the totality of my life, "awkward silences," especially in the old days, made up a considerable amount of my time talking to somebody.

You sound a lot like me. I often find it very hard to keep conversations going, even with people I know. Once I've gone through the standard questions I can ask ("How are you", "What have you been up to recently?"), an awkward silence usually occurs. I've been trying to lengthen the conversation by asking additional questions and throwing in humorous remarks when talking about a certain topic but I'm not very good at it and I always feel very nervous.

I still do a lot better in one-on-one conversations than group conversations though. I usually just stand by and listen. At best I say something occasionally (but far less than the other persons). It's hard for me to follow because I have trouble hearing people who stand a little further, especially when there's background noise.

I have this problem alot my whole life. I used to try to ask questions but I couldn't think of questions to ask. Nowadays I'm so much in my own head & withdrawn that I don't really care too much.

BirdInFlight provides some excellent suggestions on how to keep the conversation rolling, so to speak. I myself typically adopt the role of 'interviewer' in most conversations. I do not do the general 'small talk' bit very well that most others seem so fond of: talking about the weather, the latest sports match, or about housekeeping or gardening.

In a group conversation, I tend to stay on the sidelines (it's happened twice recently, once in a group that was entirely composed of introverts!). Sometimes I'll get a word in, but generally I am pretty poor at figuring out the right moment to provide my input. Often, it takes a while for me to formulate an appropriate response to something that has been said in the group conversation, and once I do the moment has already passed. I am much better in one-on-one conversations with a person I feel very comfortable with.

Finally, there are people who, in a group setting, are more inclined to be 'talkers', and others who are 'listeners'. There is no shame in being more of a listener.

Wow...you'd think it wouldn't surprise me anymore, but i'm still shocked when i find threads like this where ya'll are JUST LIKE ME!! !! Lol. I am 5000% better at one on one conversations and situations than i am in a group (though i public speak and perform very well and comfortably). I struggle with everything everyone mentioned, especially the way group conversations move and shift too fast and i can't quite figure out when it's ok to jump in. I always feel like I'm cutting someone off whenever i try to jump in to add my 2 cents (which isn't too often)!

I also get mega anxiety when multiple conversations start happening at once and i don't know which to try to tune into. Not sure if i'd even be able to tune in and productively focus on one. I think this is the main reason why i don't like parties that much. Parties can be great for new people 1 on 1, but there's just so much background commotion that i can't easily focus on what i'm doing or feel like i'm being antisocial if i don't join in on everyone.

I'm really good at the "interviewer" thing when one on one with someone, but asking questions never works in group settings. You are expected to know about the topic and contribute. People don't want to answer questions when the whole rest of the group can contribute better. I also tend to not know about many of the topics that come up... people commonly talk about celebrities, music, tv shows and movies that i have never watched and often have no interest in. They also talk about family things or cultural things, and i have a very small family with basically no traditions or heritage-based practices, so i'm clueless about that stuff. People also talk about sex... not my thing either.

To answer the OP's question,

My best advice (and what I do) for being a part of group convos is to just practice quick commentary reactions to things that should be surprising, adorable, disgusting, angering, etc. Examples could be: "NO WAYY!!" "Wait, what?!" "Awwww!! !" "Oh my gossh!" "Wow." "What a jerk." As long as you can be quick about it, people usually respond well to these kind of little remarks because they validate what the other person is saying and encourage them to keep going. It also shows that you are engaged even if you're not saying anything else. Best part is, these even work when you know nothing about the topic! Lol!! ! You do have to figure out the emotion, like whether you should be angry or happy about the thing being described, but it's usually not that hard to figure out and you can always watch other people for their responses and then choose you response that matches. I think these short remarks are also the PERFECT time for practicing eye contact because it's such a brief thing, but when in a large group convo, people want to feel like they are really with someone and connecting, and eye contact feeds that desire perfectly.

EDIT: One more thing i thought of, another great thing about these short reactions its that it's generally OK for them to be LOUD. If you have any issues with volume (i do!), this is a welcome reprieve. I've found that a louder volume tends be more effective that a quieter volume anyway, i usually get more laughs or better acknowledgement.

My conversations are always me asking questions and other people doing all the actual talking. The downside to this is that I don't actually know how to talk about myself (my answers are monosyllabic or as short as possible - my goal is to answer the question directly). But as others suggested, I ask people about themselves, hobbies, etc.

It's hard trying to talk to my extended family one on one because I talk to them often, so after I go through "how was your week" and "how is the weather", my mind goes blank. Fortunately they usually just keep talking so it takes the pressure off of me.

When I have something to say related to the answer given, I often struggle to communicate it. I've had bad experiences of trying this and people looking at me like I've done something wrong. And no one ever explains what it is, so I'm still not much of a conversationalist.

I have limited conversational skills outside rote small talk. The redundancy of it drives me nuts, but it serves its purpose.

I always need time to focus on something quiet to balance out being social. When I was a kid I would hike or climb trees in places where I couldn't be found.

not everyone everyone says is as "meaningful" as they act like it is. a lot of the time, neurotypicals just say whatever comes to mind. that includes clinical psychologists.

besides, what is "meaningful" is subjective.

and when they end up factually incorrect, big deal. it doesn't matter if it is "meaningful".

some precious lil "people" are so full of themselves, that they truly believe that everything that goes through their precious lil brain is the equivalent of the latest greatest scientific invention.

a clinical psychologist from Kaiser had the nerve to tell me that i walk like i am from "the hood". that my gait was my "transgender walk".

and that was, why? b/c, several times, i hrrt his precious lil eyeballs, by walking from the waiting room to the office?

and then the same idiot had the nerve to tell me to get clothes from a consignment store.

and that is "meaningful"?

but of course. as a psychologist, he could've defended it. by telling me that if i walked better and wore consignment store clothes, then i would find it easier to meet friends. some precious lil "people" do not know, what they do not know.

unconscious incompetence.

and then they act like they know everything. and they act like they are totally important, wise, smart, awesome, socially cool.

not only was he getting paid to interact with me. but he was a clinilcal psychologist at Kaiser. seriously if that ain't enough cash to pay forthe pain that i inflicted by hrrting his eyeballs, with my wrongful clothes and autistic gait, then precisely how much did that ret*d expect to get paid?

exactly

approximately



and then when i make the mistake of flapping my stupid fat trap, those big egoed dimwits have the nerve to interrupt. say "huh" and "what". half listen. then . they do not say "excuse me" when i say something they do not hear.

and then when i say somethng wrong. like "BA instead of BS, they change the subject by correctly=ing every slightst thing i say.

Not having anything to say can inhibit participation in conversation. But if you have nothing to say, it's better to say nothing. If you have something that Needs saying, you'll know you need to say it. Others may value what you say more highly if you say what's genuine, as opposed to making obligatory noises about, for example, the weather. Making get to know you small talk is often necessary upon initially meeting a new person. In these cases asking the new person about themselves is an effective ice breaker. Many people enjoy talking about themselves. In a pickle, take a deep breath and ask generalities, ie "what's new and exciting".

I struggle with this as well. Sometimes to keep the conversation going I ask weird questions that are off topic. My friends have gotten used to it but strangers think I'm awkward. I usually get fed up and drop out if there is too much going on or I avoid conversation altogether. If I am struggling I usually ask How are you or repeat a question that they asked me.

Not having anything to say can inhibit participation in conversation. But if you have nothing to say, it's better to say nothing. If you have something that Needs saying, you'll know you need to say it. Others may value what you say more highly if you say what's genuine, as opposed to making obligatory noises about, for example, the weather. Making get to know you small talk is often necessary upon initially meeting a new person. In these cases asking the new person about themselves is an effective ice breaker. Many people enjoy talking about themselves. In a pickle, take a deep breath and ask generalities, ie "what's new and exciting".

__________________________________________________________________________

yes, but if you ask something they do not wanna answer, they snap "none of your business!". while they proceed to ask nosy personal questions, as if they have a moral right to know.

double standards

it's a fine line between being interested and "none of your business".

something "exciting" is not necessarily a good thing. a car crash is exciting.

connotation versus denotation

although of course you could invite them to discuss the bad things too

it's peculiar though. around precious lil "people", when they as "how are you?" and i answer with something negative, specific. sometimes they tell me "i'm sorry". which makes me feel guilty for talking about bad things. b/c that makes it sound like it's their fault. and it ain't. and it makes the bad things sound worse than they are. but then saying "fine" seems a bit curt. and not correct.

but who cares about accuracy?

Glad this has resurfaced, as you can tell by my previous post, this is a topic that i am passionate about and relate to entirely! lol.

I wanted to add another thing that has helped me overcome, which is taking the time after the conversation to think through the exchange and sort of amend the conversation in my mind to how i would have liked it to go. Sort of like working a rough draft of an essay. It seems liked dwelling on an exchange and reliving it in the mind isn't good and is more stifling and restrictive, but I think the key is separating from your emotions and just taking a practical approach. If you can walk through the conversation and decide how you feel about each topic and what you could have contributed or what questions you had and when, it's kind of like practicing for next time. Doing this has helped me to get in touch with my internal reactions to things, and the familiarity that it has created over time has helped me to instinctively know what to do in future conversations. I realized that it's not really that i'm indifferent to topics, it's mostly just that I internalize my opinions or questions and am not used to "impulsively" sharing them on the spot.