The same old insecurity plagues me once more

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I have a long-distant friend who I care about very deeply. For some reason, ever since we first met, I have developed an ongoing insecurity where our friendship is concerned. It's nothing to do with anything she's done, said, etc. In fact she's the one person I *didn't* want to feel insecure around.

However, after more than three years of being friends, I still find myself scared of being rejected by her. It's a fear that comes and goes and has caused us problems in the past, because I acted irrationally about it.

At the moment, I am trying to plan a short trip to visit her. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, and recently found the courage to speak up about it. She's absolutely fine with it and said I could stay with her. But for some reason I still feel very hesitant and nervous, like I'm getting in the way of her life. That feeling caused me to cry briefly when I WhatsApped her earlier (She doesn't know this), because I miss her so much and don't feel like I have the right to be a part of her life.

I'm confused...

Have you ever rejected by a long-distant friend before after meeting them in person? Do you think that might be why you feel this way?

I cannot make a direct comparison there. However I believe I can make a few links to the situation.

1. Around the time that I first met her, I was at the beginning of being about to go through job-related hell. Long story short, this hell severely crushed my confidence. As such, I spent two years wrestling with my self-esteem. Sometimes, I would be hurting really badly, and all I wanted was for my friend to be there; but obviously, she lives far away and cannot possibly be there all the time. There were also times where she didn't get in contact for a while, which made me feel very insecure (though I have to respect that obviously she has a life and doesn't always have time for texting).

2. I've not experienced rejection from a long-distant friend; however I have experienced rejection. When I was 16 I had a very bad argument with someone I thought was a friend, who turned out not to be. Around this time is when I first started to identify with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I became hyper-aware of my actions and very self-conscious, and constantly wondered how other people would see me, how I would come across, if I was good enough.

3. Recently, I was on the receiving end of someone who tried too hard to be my friend, and subsequently ended up pushing me away. The person in question wrongly made quite a few assumptions about me based on very little information, and also tried to make out like she was one of the few people I actually talked to about things (She wasn't). Her constant pushiness forced me to back away as I did not trust her. This situation caused me to wonder if I was inadvertently doing the same thing to other people - meaning where my friend is concerned, I'm terrified of pushing things too far and causing her to back away as well.

4. This comes out of the previous point - I have had to do a huge job in curbing my obsessive nature around my friend. She is one of a very few people I care about in this way, and my mind has latched onto her as being a really ideal sort of person. I basically idolise her. But she doesn't know to what extent, just that I am terrified of losing her. She's the one person capable of making me cry multiple times because we said goodbye and I missed her that badly. I don't see how I can possibly live up to how incredible she is, and often wonder why she would bother continuing to be friends with someone like me, but selfishly don't want her to stop because I'd be devastated if she left me.

I empathize and relate. I have a similar relationship though i have known my person for far longer. I've definitely come a long way, but still insecure as you have described... I can't say i have an explanation or a quick fix. It's just one those things you work at slowly and it does get better if you're headstrong about it.

I suppose the most helpful thing is being aware of the issue and being able to talk about it, just as you have done here. Identifying the issue is the first step in overcoming. I know that for me, wallowing in the insecurity makes it way worse because that puts my focus entirely on myself. I think the wallowing and fearing is actually the thing that hurts my person most, as it makes me overly needy and unable to contribute to the relationship. Doubt is very damaging in a relationship because it's the opposite of trust, but if you think about it rationally, i bet your friend hasn't given you any reason to doubt her.

You just have to decide to believe in what you know of your friend and your relationship, and remember that thinking of the other person's needs and feelings first is the best way to be a good friend. I'm sure you are a great friend and you and your relationship is stronger than insecurity and doubt.