Social Dilemma -- Kind Of Long

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One of my kids is on a competition team that requires me to do much socializing and traveling with the other parents. We've been involved with it for almost a year now. When she was first asked to join, I attended a meeting, where the coach talked about how we were all going to become so close that we would think of each other as best friends and family. I had an immediate sense of dread. I didn't know about Asperger's at that time, but I knew that I never fit in with people to the point where they would ever view me in that way. Even so, I forced myself to do it, because I love my daughter and want the best for her. I didn't want my issues to affect her life, if there was anything I could do about it.

This past year has been filled with social ups and downs. In the beginning, I made up my mind that I would overcome my shyness (that's what I was still calling my problem, at that time), by being as outgoing as possible, confident, a shoulder to lean on, etc. Internally, I felt like I was pushing a crying child into a room full of strangers and locking the door; but I was determined to conquer this social problem, once and for all, for my daughter's sake! (Blissful ignorance, right?) I thought I was doing my best to be social, for the first few meetings; but it was soon apparent that I was, once again, failing. The other moms got to know each other and made instant connections. I started to hear them talk about play dates and telephone conversations that didn't involve me.

Now, it seems that everyone has made friends within the group, except (SURPRISE!) me. They politely include me when necessary, but it's obvious that none of them consider me any more than an acquaintance. My daughter is naturally outgoing and a social butterfly. She's very young, but she has started to notice that her friends are getting together, because their moms are now friends. It was obvious during one of the competitions we recently attended, out of town. It was an all-day event with a few hours of "down time." My first surprise was finding out that they had all arranged to ride with each other (3-4 vehicles). My daughter and I were the only ones not asked to join. When there were breaks, the other moms and their daughters went off together, without even asking if we wanted to join. That left my daughter with me, asking why she couldn't be with her friends. Some of the girls asked her why she didn't come with them, when they got back, but none of the moms said anything to me. That was one of the most painful things I've gone through, involving my social problems. As much as I loved my daughter and forced myself to be in those uncomfortable social situations, it still wasn't enough. She was suffering, because of my lack of social skills.

Now, the time has come to sign up for another season with this group. Of course, there's that part of me who keeps saying that all I have to do is get through this season and I can quit. The Mom part of me has to take precedence, though. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of staying involved in this group.

On the plus side:

My daughter has made friends with all these girls, even though their moms don't want to socialize with me any more than they have to.

She is learning skills which contribute to her self confidence

She's learning self discipline

I now have many more acquaintances, even though I never succeeded at making "friends."

It forces me to "go somewhere" almost every day. My instinct is to stay at home as much as possible, where my social differences aren't noticeable; but I tend to wallow in negative thoughts, when left alone too long.

There will be several new members added to our group, next year. Maybe, one of them will be an Aspie. (Wishful thinking)


On the negative side:

Some days, it's literally painful for me to socialize.

I'm now reminded, on a regular basis, of all my social faults.

The older my daughter gets, the more difficult it will be to disguise these faults, in a close-knit group such as this.

Will my daughter come to despise me for not being like the other moms?

The discipline of a competitive group may be too much for her, at this young age.

It's quite expensive to be involved in the group.


Does anyone have ANY advice for me??? Like I said, I want to run away from all this, as far as possible; but I have to do the best thing for my daughter.

I haven't told my husband or kids anything about suspecting that I am an Aspie. Believe me, my husband just isn't the type of guy who would understand. I don't think any of my kids will ever know how much it "costs" me to socialize.

Oh, my heart goes out to you! I have had this same problem for years. My oldest son is 16 and I have never fit with any of the groups of parents in any activities. When I was younger I had the same worries as you. My middle son is very social and extremely athletic. He has been in gymnastics and is still in soccer. The gymnastics was the worst. I put up with it for 3 years and then had him try a new sport that required less parental involvement. Soccer is more an independent thing that is his. I generally sit alone at games and find that I am soon joined by others who do not want to sit in the henhouse ( the "social" all-that mothers). My son has learned to tell the other kids and coaches that his mom is shy and no one has used it against me.

As for making friends at these things, are these the type of people you really want to be friends with? Is there something else that your daughter may enjoy just as much but that isn't so hard socially? My daughter was in dance this year and after watching the uppity social mannerisms of the mothers, I came to realize that not only doesn't my girl fit, I don't want her to turn into one of them!! She will be taking karate this fall. Not a lot of room for petty girls in karate.

I hope you can find a solution that fits you!! I can't remember how old your daughter is but found that now that my son is 14 he understands that I am not going to play the social sports parent and he is ok with it.

Wow, that sounds really tough, as well as painful. I think Blessedmom has the right idea. Choose something that your daughter can enjoy, and isn't as socially intensive for yourself. Raising my daughter, I had no idea that we were both Aspies, until she was in her early twenties. So we both suffered the agonies of school/parent related stuff.

Thanks!



I have older boys too, a thirteen-year-old and a preteen. Up until last year, they did sports. I had trouble with those parents too, but I always knew that I only had to deal with them, until the season ended. The worst part was working the snack bar. I'm really bad at joking around with NT women, especially when there's more than one at a time, so that part was kind of a nightmare, since that's how they liked to pass the time when they had to work.



I know what you mean! I don't necessarily want to make friends with them, but I do sort of stick out like a sore thumb, since I'm the only one who hasn't made a close friend.



Do you find that your daughter judges you any harsher than your son does, for being shy? My daughter's so young that she's still in the stage where she just loves everybody, so I've been wondering. My boys haven't really pushed me on the social things, until recently. They're always wanting someone to stay the night or hang out inside the house. I like it better when their friends come over and stay outside. The house is like my sanctuary. It's not that I don't ever let their friends inside. I just want it to be less than once a week, preferably once a month. They can come over every day, and they do, if they stay outside. Now, my oldest son has a girlfriend who wants to come over ALL THE TIME. My nerves simply can't handle it more than once a week, so now she thinks I don't like her. I tried explaining to my son about how exhausting it is for me to have people over, but he really doesn't understand.

The main reason why I'm having such difficult taking her out of it is that I can see that she really does have a great talent for it. I can see that it's her passion, even at such a young age.

Dear KiKi 3
It sounds to me like the other mothers have the problem, so be yourself and enjoy what your child is doing.

Does your daughter have any special friends in the team? Does she want to visit them outside the team events? If yes, that would give you a chance to make contact not with the whole crowd, but with a few people. If you like any of them, tell them you are shy. To prevent them thinking that is just an excuse to find a free babysitter, or that you otherwise fail to reciprocate, try to find things to do for the team which involve less socialising, but which the others know to take time. People are extremely sensitive to who pulls their weight in any cooperative venture, and if you are very reserved, there is a chance that you are seen as freeriding, exploiting others' efforts. It is possible that the others would not even realise they are making that judgement. And if you do something for the team out of sight of the others, you must count on them underestimating your efforts, so it might be a fair bit of work. But if it's worth it, is there anything non social you can do for the team, ideally something others don't like? Administration? Running a web site? Or if you are good at photography or drawing, document the team's moments of glory. If you can make a good cartoon or picture of some other mum's darling's great achievement, you are likely to be popular.

Gromit

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say well done for trying so hard for your daughter. Both of my parents were virtual social recluses so I was never allowed friends around or even to go to their houses, we didn't know anyone, and when I went to school it was so hard.

I think if I were in your shoes, I couldn't hack the really social aspects. I'd do as much as I could to ensure that my daughter was happy but if it's making you miserable, maybe make some excuses from time to time to give yourself a break.

It's so hard when you think you're getting on with everyone and then realise that actually they don't like you anywhere near as they like each other. But I think you sound great!

Good luck anyway,

Amy.

Thanks! I'm trying!

Yes, my daughter has many friends on the team. I've tried telling their mothers that we should get them together to play some time, but they never seem interested. My husband and I have both volunteered for extra things that the team needs. We, actually, probably do more of that than anybody else. I've picked up on a vibe from some of the other moms that my daughter is getting special treatment, because of it. I don't think she is, but they've made little comments that seem to be hinting at it.

Thanks, Amy! Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. My mom never went to a single one of my school functions, the entire time I was growing up. I had band concerts and things like that, but she never came. My dad would come, sometimes, but kind of complain about it. Once they were divorced, he didn't even do that anymore. We had to beg for rides, because my mother never learned to drive. People couldn't believe that I wasn't going to my high school graduation, but what was the point? I couldn't have dragged my parents there. I would have had to find a ride, knowing that there was no one in the audience cheering for me. Other kids were complaining, because they didn't get exactly the car or diamond they wanted for graduation. I would have been happy simply to have had parents who cared enough to watch me graduate.

Those type of memories are the reason why I push myself to do better for my kids. Still, I worry that they won't think it's enough. There are definitely days when I just can't do it.

Ugh! Today was a particularly difficult day. The mom who is usually half-way friendly was very cold to me. I felt even more ostracized than usual.

Gosh. I understand your worries. I have three daughters 17, 19 and 23. The youngest is "more" Aspy than me. When I tried to do things like you are doing, I was obviously different and excluded, too. The girls resented me for it when they were in high school, but a lady I know pointed out that teenagers are often mad at their moms for something anyway. Now, the older two are fine with how I am, and they are very socialable. The youngest is living with her oldest sister who makes arrangements for her to do things with people.

It's good to know that they got over any resentment they felt towards you. Maybe having a younger Aspie sister helped them understand you better too.