Need advice - Am I a stalker?

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I'm scared to talk to anyone about this because I'm worried that I've done the wrong thing and they won't understand. This is a long story but I'll try to summarise.

Short version: There was a teacher at my uni, I became obsessed/infatuated with him, bothered him many times over a couple of years, found out where he lived and let him know that he had personal information plastered online (thought I was being polite). Later, I had to move to the same area and ended up living in the same apartment complex knowing he might live here, and I pass him on the street/uni campus all the time.

There is a man I know (I'm 26 F, and he is 37ish? M). He was my teacher at my university, where I am still enrolled and studying. I first met him 2 years ago (teaching my class), and was going through a rough break up at the time...became a bit obsessed with him, added him on Facebook and tried to develop a friendship/relationship with him the only way I know how - that is, to talk to him constantly to the point of annoyance! Eventually I asked him out to coffee or a drink, and he accepted although he was often "busy". This was before my diagnosis, and I didn't know that "busy" might mean something other than "busy" at that point (as in, uninterested!). Anyway, we met for dinner/a drink (I didn't have anything as I was too nervous) and chatted for hours, got a weird vibe from him, confronted him about his intentions via message a few days later and he said he was just being friendly and he has a girlfriend. Not sure why he didn't tell me that earlier, but I think he liked my attention.

So I tried to remain friends, eventually stopped talking to him. Ended up having to repeat his course (failed due to depression) the next year but thought it was no big deal as he went and got a job at a different university.

That was a mistake. He came BACK to my university and I ended up in two of his classes in the course I had to repeat! I felt rather uncomfortable so I tried to ask him to coffee to chat about whether there was a conflict of interest and I should change out of his classes. Before I got anywhere with this, he said no to coffee as he's "under no obligation to socialise with students" and that if there's a problem he'll speak to the university about me. I tried to explain that this wasn't what I meant when I asked him for coffee, and that I was trying to avoid there being any issues and clearly went about it the wrong way... At this time I was on a high dose of antidepressants which seemed to have impacted my judgement and made me excessively friendly/trusting towards people, so this definitely did not help, and although I have the benefit of hindsight now that I've stopped them, I can't undo some of the damage I've done by pursuing him. Even after he said no to coffee, I was still excessively friendly to him. I did want him to like me, I was also flirting/friendly with a number of other men at the time.

I then started realising that I may be on the autism spectrum, and started asking people for perspective/objective opinions (again, keep in mind that I was heavily medicated and this affected my judgement!). Of the many people I asked, he was one, and he said if I email him he'll try and tell me what he knows about the disorder (neuroscience teacher, as it were). I sent him a very long email describing my symptoms which he never responded to. I then got upset and messaged him on social media asking him to explain what I had done that made him do that (as I felt very vulnerable). Kept messaging him despite no response. Eventually got my diagnosis and stopped talking to him.

Now here's the real issue. At the start of this year, I had to move house, so I was looking at places near my university. I knew he lived near my university as when I first started talking to him, I googled him and his address was listed on google. I once warned him about this but he never responded so I'm unsure he even knew it was listed. I am definitely not the kind to follow people, but I know that there are some crazy people out there so I thought it would be polite to inform him (and as far as he's concerned, I'm probably the crazy person!). I was worried about running into him, talked to some people I know from uni, they told me to ask him outright if he lives near where I was looking for places and also tell him that I may be moving there. So I did that. He responded he's lived in the same place for many years, and I decided to leave it at so I never said anything more (that last message came from him in January this year). I knew there was a risk that he'd be living near there, and I decided since he didn't want to discuss it then I should take that risk because it's hard to find places to rent in my city (especially since I have a pet) and he doesn't own the rights to the main road that leads away from my university just because he works there.

Only thing is, I now live in the same apartment complex (which is a large apartment complex with about 50 units across 5 different buildings). I live in a different building but same complex basically. This was the only apartment I was able to get after months of looking for places and I was able to move just before the new academic year started so it was perfect. But now I see him all the time. I'm pretty sure he lives right across from me diagonally and I may have seen him on his balcony while I was tending to my flowers. I've walked past him on the street many times but didn't recognise him right away because I wasn't wearing my glasses. I feel full of anxiety over this as he probably thinks I'm stalking him. You would if you were in his position, because I doubt he thinks "Oh, she only moved here to be closer to uni and it's hard to get an apartment so that's a reasonable thing to do to save time/costs". He probably thinks "Oh my god, she wouldn't leave me alone for months at a time in the last few years and now she's MOVED to be near me!"

I don't think I can get in trouble for this as it's kind of unfair that I should have to spend my life avoiding someone so that they don't get the wrong idea. But obviously I know that I overstepped the boundaries in the past several times, and that I could have held out for a different apartment not in the same complex since I had reason to believe he lived here (but no actual confirmation). Also, I still have him on social media.

Is there anything I can do to make this situation better? For the record, I have moved on from him completely (I actually hate him for never responding to my email asking for help with my diagnosis, as I felt really vulnerable). I'd be happy to never have to see his face again. But I don't want to give up my apartment/life that I've worked so hard for.

Do you think I'm a stalker? Is there any way I can redeem myself other than just avoid him like the plague (and maybe delete him off my social media)?

Some of the behavior that you described sounds a bit stalkerish and very untypical for a student/professor relationship. I teach at a university, and I would be very concerned if one of my students were contacting me in that way, and to that extent, especially and even more so if they were of the opposite sex. Asking a professor where they live is a big no. Also telling someone that you looked up where they live on the internet, etc. as well.

However, I would not say that your choice of residence is a problem, granted you didn't move there with the intent of being close to him/wanting to live in the same place. You are free to live where you want, and you shouldn't feel like you can't live where you do because of past relationships. However, I don't recommend going out of your way to interact with him, or otherwise become involved in his life. Don't go over to his apartment. Don't go interact with him when he is on his balcony, etc. If you run into each other on the way to campus/while going about daily life, fine. You can say hi as you are acquaintances, but I wouldn't do more. I would also recommend:

- don't correspond with him in any way outside of anything directly related to a class (ie. asking a question about the course content is ok, asking him about his personal life, no)
- I'd recommend unfriending from Facebook
- don't watch, follow, or otherwise engage with him if you see him at his residence or other places
- don't ask him out for coffee, or any other type of casual non-coursework related type meeting unless he asks/initiates
- don't ask him other personal questions

There are ways to have a relationship with a professor that goes beyond the simple classroom relationship, but taking into account the past interactions you have had and your concern that he might feel you are stalking him (and your concern yourself that you are), I would let this relationship go and avoid all contact except the necessary.

Thanks. I appreciate the perspective. I understand it may be worrisome from his perspective that I contacted him so much, although he did encourage me quite a bit. I asked him several times outright if I should leave him alone or if I was bothering him by messaging him, and he said no, he was happy for me to message him but that he was busy and wouldn't be able to respond sometimes. This confused me quite a bit because on the one hand it seemed like he was open to being friends

I actually saw him again today after I posted this message, and whilst I did not make eye contact or say anything (I never make eye contact or say hi), I am unsure how to handle this situation.

For the record, I didn't look up where he lived, it just came up when I did a google search to look at his academic background, as some of his published research was necessary for use in an assignment (I also think he has videos online of his viva and short speeches he has given). Part of the reason I befriended him was because I was interested in academia and wanted to network with potential mentors, so I don't think it was 100% strange that I was looking at his academic background, but I probably handled it badly when it came to telling him about it ... I think it's too late for me to repair this now, which is unfortunate, but part of me wishes that I could clarify those points so that he wouldn't find it so strange (if indeed he does)

I think you're right that I should remove him from social media. I hate feeling like I've messed up SO badly

Do you think it would help to tell him I think I've seen him around, and then try to clarify those points about why I asked him about whether he's living next to the uni?

My message was "I am looking at coleasing an apartment with a friend or someone near uni. If you live on that street I asked you about you should probably tell me as that'd be awkward otherwise"

And he said "I don't recall which street you asked me about, but I've occupied the same place for many years"

Also, for the record he told me he lives next to the uni when we met up for dinner 2 years ago.

Blanking your teacher in the street is actually about the best thing you can do right now!

Trouble is, you'd gone from being obsessed with him to being obsessed with avoiding him or explaining to him. From his point of view, he'll struggle to distinguish the two states. If you seem desperate to explain yourself, he's not going to believe you precisely /because/ you "seem desperate". The less attention you pay to him, the quicker he's going to think "oh, she's finally got over it."

The whole thing stopped a long way short of restraining orders, so cyberstalking for the purposes of avoiding him will do more harm than good. I can feel your frustration, but sometimes trying to explain will just backfire (as with the thing about his address being online). Acting embarassed and evasive gets the message across that you no longer want to trouble him in any way.

This kind of thing does happen a lot at universities. There may be someone in your student welfare department who can advise on dealing with the fallout from an inappropriate crush, and make sure it doesn't cause problems with your classes.

I've never quite gone that far with anyone, but I've had many past experiences where I did something that made a bad impression and trying to explain it only made it worse. Leave it be.

Ignore him. Leave him on your social media - pretend that you forgot he is there.
Let him think you don't see him, if you do pass by him & make eye contact, just give a slight smile and move on by. Let him initiate any contact.
A good way to avoid is have headphones on/look at your phone.

In the end, if he's not interested, he will just think it was a coincidence that you moved there.
He will see that you have your own life, and any concerns he had will be alleviated.

100% agree with ignoring him altogether; trying to explain to him you're not stalking him or obsessed with him is, well, going to come across to him as if you're obsessed with him. I understand exactly why you feel the need to let him know, but it's just not going to come off the way you intend.

I think you probably did end up creeping him out. But! As uncomfortable as it is, I don't think it's the end of the world. The best way to do that is to pretend it never happened. Eventually, as he sees you around the complex and sees you're just going about your business and never try contacting him, he'll eventually get the picture over time that that whole thing is in the past and something you've moved on from. You guys might never be buddy-buddy, but his opinion of you will become neutral over time.