Kicking myself for past mistakes

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Lately I've realized that I had oppurtunities to join certain communities in high school but I didn't take those chances.

There was an art class and I remember they drew some anime/manga characters on the windows once. Unfortunately, I didn't like anime/manga at the time because people like my older brother, an ex-friend, and other people didn't like those mediums and told me that people who liked them were "losers", "fa***ts", and other demeaning things so I gave in to the peer pressure. I hate myself for allowing others to decide for me what I should like and what I shouldn't like.

There were also some gothic/punk kids at school. Some were accepted by the redneck community but a lot were bullied. I remember some asking me if I liked the band AFI but I said I didn't because at the time they were considered a "gay" band and I was more concerned about looking "normal" instead of being true to myself. My older brother and others also said gothic people were "weird", "Satanic", and "losers". I even remember a webpage where a Metallica fan called Cannibal Corpse and Morbid Angel "sh***y goth bands" despite how neither band are gothic at all but the message that I wasn't supposed to like "goth music" still hit me.

I wonder if I can still have friends in those demographics or if I blew all my chances?

Time to move on to bigger and better things.

I didn't become an artist until I hit middle age.
Taught myself online visiting websites with information on artistic composition, landscape photography, and nature photography.
At first, people laughed at me.
There will always be critics, nay-sayers, haters, whatever.
Be your best creative self anyway.
Right at the moment, one of my framed photos is on display in an art center as part of a landscape exhibition.

I bet you're much younger than I am.
If I can do it, you can too ... I used to stink at photography,
now I've won awards for my art and sell it online.

While not a goth myself,
I have a few fine art photos that I advertise as gothic.

Bottom line: You can overcome the past, see it as a learning experience.
There will always be obstacles to overcome when you follow your dreams.
Yes you have another chance.
Today, for instance.

I am 29 years old. It feels like if you didn't develop certain talents in your developmental years or had support for them, you will never develop them at all.

I used to want to draw as well as play music but my drawing always sucked when compared to others and I can't play the guitar as good as I should. Whenever I try drawing again, I don't even finish most of the time because my creativity energy is so low or I get indecisive on what I should draw. I don't even practice with the guitar anymore outside of lessons because I just can't get better. I don't have any friends who play music either so that doesn't help and what I enjoy musically is different than what people in my culture generally enjoy (Pop country music).

If I had friends who shared my interests in those areas, it would encourage me but I don't have any and I feel like I blew all my chances to ever have friends in those areas.

Well well, well, Sonny Boy, you young whippersnapper you ...
only 29 years old!
* speaking in a friendly voice *

I was older than that when I started teaching myself photography.
Like I said, it was a brand new skill for me ...
I used to totally stink.
So you can definitely develop new talents, and in fact, excel at them.

And guess what? I don't draw.
If I really want to spend long hours to do one drawing, I suppose I could.
But I don't draw.
I don't want to draw.
I paint.
I take pictures.

As for guitar ... if you like it, do it.
If you don't enjoy it, try something else.
Nobody says you have to stick with something you hate all your life,
just because you did it in the past.

Learn what you can on your own,
or take lessons or classes ...
yes it costs money but can be a super investment ...
painting classes with a wonderful teacher this past year
literally changed my life for the better ...
then go out and meet like minds and kindred spirits,
mutually supportive people who share your interests.

First though, I taught myself
because I wasn't ready to spend money on a class.

Anyways.
To succeed, you have to take action.
Even a small action.

I feel too damaged and malfunctioned to do anything. If I couldn't reach my goals when I first thought of them, how would it be any different today?

I don't believe that if you couldn't reach your goal then you will never do so. Ever faced a boss in a video game and your goal was to beat them? You lost like a good 20 times and took a break from it. That would be the first time you didn't complete your goal.

You come back a few days, weeks, months, etc and beat said boss later and continue! You completed your goal at a later time in your life!(it's not a real life thing but I was just trying to get what I was saying across.)

I think you can still accomplish a goal you had in the past, maybe now you will succeed this time!

I just turned 28 and just started going back to school. Similar thoughts have plagued me in the past and while I've gotten better at coping, I still have a tendency to dwell on past decisions. The truth is, you didn't have the same information available to you in the past as you do now and you can't be so hard on yourself. It isn't fair to you and there are much more healthier ways to approach your current situation.

You probably wouldn't hold your peers to the same standard as you do yourself now, but then again I don't know you. If you feel damaged, whether you are or not will yield a similar result. That's the thing though, YOU feel damaged. No one will ever feel your personal feelings for you or understand what it is like to be you. It is up to you to give yourself purpose and fulfillment.

In the past I have put others on a pedestal and while I've known everyone else is capable of having feelings, I failed to truly realize what so many others around me had to overcome to get where they are and that basically everyone could genuinely admit to having insecurities. It was important for me to feel liked and accepted. I would take actions similar to what you described in order to increase my odds of fitting in, not realizing the tremendous opportunity cost.

Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for my past and I would not be able to relate to you the way I do now. In addition, what benefit does obsessing over the struggles and mistakes of my past do for me? Sure there are learning experiences that we can apply to our current lives that can be taken from former experiences, but you from the past is not in charge now and the you who is reading this right now is more intelligent and prepared for whatever comes your way than ever before.

You are more than capable of achieving your goals. I believe in you and I love you because for a while now, that's the way I've chosen to live my life. I wanted so badly to feel liked, appreciated or valued by everyone and that's never going to happen, but I find it pretty easy to love everyone else and I've met many people who are drawn to me because of it. Even after fully adopting this policy, it has taken a while to develop the same feelings toward myself. Let me tell you though, it is the most worthwhile relationship you can put effort into when you feel this way and you deserve better treatment from yourself. Your livelihood is worth putting effort into and no one is better equipped to help you succeed than you.

Just like no one else can feel damaged for you, no one else can feel loved for you. There will never be a surrogate for our feelings, no matter how many times we transfer them on to others. I challenge you to love yourself more each day and set goals for yourself. Is this something you would be willing to work on? When your attitude changes, everything else will fall into place. If you need assistance with this from a clinician, by all means take the necessary steps to make it happen.

Sometimes picking yourself up takes time and it is important you go into this knowing that, but regardless of wherever you are or however you feel in life, you will never be alone. There are people in the world who will always love you and believe in you. If we can love you, regardless of whatever your past includes, then you can love yourself and achieve whatever realistic goal you put your mind to.

Hm, I can relate a bit (kicking self after past mistakes)

In my case, it is due to bad habit. I don't enjoy studying in groups, and when I have free time, I will be far more interested in going somewhere private (hiking, nature) rather than a location that would allow me to meet new friends. In high school, I was more interested in my music and watching people than talking to them. Not that I was opposed to talking to them, but I might have been too lazy to undergo the steps necessary to just join some random group. In undergrad, I was more interested in reading in the various parks than staying after with people. Now for graduate school, I think a similar pattern is forming: why, for example, would I be interested in studying in the artificially lit and crowded student lounge when I can study in the woods of Central Park? It's a bad habit of getting distracted by thoughts, thinking and not 'doing', and suddenly realizing that all these people have formed all these groups while you were busy doing... other stuff.

Tangent: Little things too. Doing things which isolate yourself without thinking. Other students take the elevator to get to our class; I see them, walk right past them, and take the stairs all 6 floors up. Not remembering to return their questions in the moment (that one is always frustrating). Reflecting and then dreading the thoughts of "I talked about myself too much there, I probably appeared narcissistic, did I say something that seemed arrogant?" Essentially, seeing people not feel like they can connect with you.

If you're unhappy with your pattern, then attempt to practice and become more conscious of it. Outside of that, mindset is important for when you do make mistakes; the necessity to not extremize the 'failures' or to have unrealistic (possibly cruel) expectations of what you should and shouldn't be capable of at a specific point in time through the progress. What you mention seems minor to me, please don't treat yourself too, I guess, cruelly because of them. Your chances don't seem blown from just that; they don't seem blown until you are rejected in your entirety, and it seems that these groups definitely don't know you in your entirety.

With that (and it goes without saying), don't push to fit something not worth fitting. Reflect on them as a group and whether you feel like you're being treated fairly as well (and not allowing someone to join their 'group' over weak music preferences sounds like an amusingly petty reason to disclude someone). But nothing will f**k you up more than lack of authenticity, I find. Even if the authenticity f***s you up, somehow the awkwardness and nerves that it takes to actively NOT be authentic unnerves people more, and if it doesn't, it'll unnerve you.

Personally, I found the most comfort in one-on-one and have accepted my behavior as a preference, rather than feel guilty for not wanting the same thing. But it's different in everyone's case. Your ability to reflect afterwards is important, I think, you can't get to the other steps without having a concept of that first.