What do you find most/least helpful?

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I have posted in the general forum, but have been learning a great deal in this forum category and I have some questions... I hope maybe you can help me.

My brother in law is 39 years old and is recently diagnosed with Asperger's. Before the diagnosis... it was very clear he had OCD and an acute social phobia. We thought this had a lot to do with the influence of his mother... in some ways, maybe some of his behaviors do. However, the diagnosis has helped so, so much!! Now, we can learn, we can understand, we have a starting point and we didn't have one before.

My question for those who also live with Asperger's is... what do you find beneficial and what do you find does *not* help you (in terms of understanding people, reading people, interaction, social situations, etc).

My brother in law (I'll call him BIL) has always indicated that he was "different". He believed he had a learning disability, though he has a very high IQ, and he just knew he didn't understand people and they didn't understand him. He misreads people and ends up drawing conclusions about them or their intentions... and is often disappointed in how friendships develop... or more often, do not develop.

The way that I talk to him is open -- and honest. I ask a lot of questions, I ask for clarification... if I think he means one thing... I try to give an example, so we both know we're on the same page. This has been helpful because a lot of times he expresses something and I understand it in a completely different way than he intended. So -- I explain it back to him and he is more easily able to correct what I heard and explain it so that I know what he feels or what he is expressing.

Now, he has gotten to the point that he does that with me too -- when we're having a discussion... he will ask for clarification, he will ask why I said something, what I meant by it... and we're able to understand the thoughts and emotions of each other this way.

He expresses that he "knows people feel weird around him" and I would tend to agree -- he has the social graces of a heathen, lol (he and I joke freely about this together... I'm not putting him down).

Sadly, he was never taught many, many things that would have been of benefit to him during social interactions... he has poor table manners, does not understand personal space, frequently cuts people off mid-sentence, doesn't know how to show appropriate body language, etc, etc... He goes through cycles... times where he does want to know what people are thinking and times where he does want to know how to behave/rect in a more appropriate manner.... and other times where he really doesn't seem to care at all.

When he is done with the conversation -- he turns and walks away with no explanation... doesn't matter if you are in the middle of a sentence

He is hard to read... just as hard for me to read as I am for him to read, I imagine.

So -- what works for you -- what do you find beneficial? Do you have people that you trust to help explain different social aspects? If so -- how is it best explained? In a literal sense, or by telling stories of examples, etc?

I also have a brother-in-law with the near exact personality and background.. What makes him nervous to speak of are women, dating, projects to do around the home, anything that is personal to him.....He is comfortable with sports, beer,funny sitcoms. Family gatherings are uncomfortable, he walks around, not sitting long enough to talk to, he is more of a listener.. It is tough to see how uncomfortable he is, and he has definitely missed out on alot in his life. He is paranoid schizophrenic with OCD, not asperger's, plus I see him as having "Peter Pan Syndrome", where he was mothered to the point of never growing up to be independent... It is a negative situation for all involved, he is grown up and does not see beyond his mother's arms..he is 43.. Your life is just beginning, so please dedicate your energy towards you spouse and your lives together, but also check in on BIL from time to time to see that he is taking on his responsibilites ...Good luck to you!

Rush ~ Yes... much of what you described also sounds like my BIL... he and his mother had a very unhealthy relationship - it was more of a companionship (not incestuous/companion ) than it was parent/offspring. Having no social outlet, he basically became a male version of her... even now, when we talk about why he does something a certain way or thinks something he starts with, "Mother said..."

My husband and I are focused on our lives... but do worry about BIL, especially now that my father in law is very near the end of his life. BIL is going to have to face the world without the shelter of his parents -- something he has never done before.

Yes, we see the future in the same way, and both may stumble and crumble at the beginning. Is he a nervous, scared indivual, or is he a stubborn, strong fellow?

He is most certainly more nervous and scared...

Yes, our BIL is as well..

It helped me to buy children's books for learning social skills - I got them from eBay. I'm 56yo so age wasn't a factor. Some of these little books have role-playing cartoons - "I did this, I feel this, she feels that, the next time I will do <whatever>."

I differentiate between family life and social skills. I'm nice to my family but they go the extra mile or me. In social life with outsiders, I'm the one going the extra mile toward them. Seeing this difference relieved some of the pressure and resentment of people rejecting me as I am.

Claradoon, thank you -- that's an excellent suggestion!!

I have read that there are types of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that could be beneficial as well... if anyone has experience with that, I would love to hear what resulted. I'm going to share what has been said here with my BIL -- no names, of course... I just want him to know he is not alone and that here was what other people found helpful

A therapist would have to be experienced with Asperger's, otherwise they won't know what your BIL's 'cognition' is.

Have you looked at the articles on our home page? One of them, 3rd or 4th down, is called "My Birthday Is For Everyone Else." These articles might help your BIL feel less isolated.

Would your BIL like to drop by and lurk? I'm still so amazed at how I'm just like everybody else here.

Clara... last night, I was up all night long and I copied and pasted many of the stories and thoughts that were shared here... I emailed them to him (without any names attached) and I told him it was from an Asperger's forum; I told him he wasn't alone... that there were people who went through many of the same things he did.

I told him that this was a wonderful and supportive community -- within less than 48 hours, I have seen that maybe it really isn't. There have been a few people that have stood out, have been patient, have been open with me and understood why I was here -- but just as many were downright nasty... I wouldn't want to expose him to that.

He doesn't have any healthy outlets for sharing his emotions yet and I wouldn't want to toss him into a viper pit, so to speak

For now instead of suggesting he lurk here... I'll just copy the articles and some posts that may be meaningful to him... let him process them privately and talk to me about it afterward if he wants to.

Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.

Hey Aspiesister-I sent a PM

AspieSister, is this sorted out? Have you spoken to a moderator? That negativity should be dealt with, for all our sakes.

I think what your doing is great, obviously his social skills arent that great but you letting him know that you do get him im sure is comforting. I think you having conversations where it involves alot of reciprocation is good in that it shows him its not that tough, it just takes some effort and practice. Im sure, as ive noticed myself improving alot, hell take note of more and more social cues as he learns more about social interaction, like not to leave people mid sentence, and that one persons "vibe" can kinda be felt by others and possibly make socializing a bit more rough. One day he'll truly be drawn into a conversation with someone and that person will stop and maybe turn their attention to someone else and he'll go "well, that was kinda rude, maybe i should take in more consideration when i do that to others". Thanks to you, his interacting will slowly improve making him a happier person, keep it up.

No... people should be able to express how they feel anyhow -- we're all responsible for our own reactions. (Including me, damn it -- haha)

I'll just re-read and make a better effort to express myself. If it doesn't work -- I'll refer back to what I just said... we're all responsible for our actions/reactions (Including them too )

Dime, thank you -- he told me one time... "It takes me a long time to feel someone out and until then I don't have much to say to them"

I took that to mean "It takes me a long time to trust someone and until I do, the things I say to them are guarded."

What he meant was "I have to watch people and and pay attention to their communication stlyes before I understand how to have *any* kind of conversation with them."

What he said -- what I thought it meant -- what he really did mean -- were 3 entirely different things. So now -- we talk that way -- I tell him what I *think* he means... he makes and effort to explain differently what he really *does* mean.

This works for us, because I know that he isn't just a "shy person". I know he isn't "weird".

Unless the average person walking around knows this and actually cares -- they write him off as shy, weird, different, unusual, or even rude or stuck up. For the most part -- he has given up "trying" to communicate with most people. He has entirely given up on the thought of making new friends.

I'm glad for the discussions here -- because I think this way -- I can kind of help him create new thoughts -- new ways to try and interact with people. Maybe if I did something like Clara expressed -- gave him some children's books and explained to him how it helped her.... he would probably just say, "Ok... thanks." and give me the impression he didn't really care -- but in the privacy of his room, by himself -- he'd probably read the books and maybe in some ways it would help him to... and he'd tell me later. Thats usually how things go.

He is learning to be more open, but even with me and his brother, he has to do it slowly in his own time -- and we have to respect that.