How to not "run away" from friendships?

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Hi! I'm an autistic young adult, and I have a bad habit of "running away" from friendships.

Heck, I even delete all my social media and start fresh with a new name every few months just to get away from any risk of having to talk to my friends.

I love people, but even though I'm pretty good at it, socialization is exhausting. If I do much socialization I get overstimulated and risk having meltdowns. Not to mention, even though I like talking with people, it tends to get really really boring after a while.

I mean, a typical conversation goes:
Me: How was your day?
Them: Good.
Me: That's great! I had a nice day too, I bought some books at the library book sale. Isaac Asimov, Jonathan Stroud, and William Shatner.
Them: cool.
Me:
Them:


And it's just so monotonous and repetitive that UUGH it just feels Bad?

And it also feels like people expect too much of me when I'm friends with them and I don't want to have to act charming and nice all the time or else risk accidentally hurting their feelings and so it's easier to just abandon the friendship? The constraint of friendship is just Too Much! I'm not a "teenage rebel" or anything, I'm quiet and polite and nice, but some constraints just rub me wrong, and even though I love my friends, the constraints I feel from our friendships are just Too Much.

And I Hate having to use my allistic mask all the time with friends but I'm not even sure how to socialize without the mask? I've been passing as allistic when around others for so long that I don't even know who I would be in the context of socialization without that mask. But pretending to be somebody I'm not is exhausting.

Even writing this makes me feel almost emotionally overstimulated. Writing makes me strongly feel the emotions I'm trying to convey through my tone, and it just gets to be too much. It's nowhere near as bad as actually talking, ofc, but still...It feels like I'm acting a part in the high-intensity game of Life and it's just too much! And I want to leave all my social acquantainces behind so I can stop the act, but I also need some socialization and I really do genuinely love people and I know I wouldn't be happy as a hermit (nice as that lifestyle sometimes sounds).

I just....I feel emotions very strongly and they can easily overstimulate me and friendships just come with so dang many emotions that are just too strong and I can't deal with them?

I dunno. It's hard to explain.

And this is very rambly, I know. Sorry. I'm trying to put things I don't even fully understand into words and it's hard. Hopefully I'm making some semblance of sense.

But I just feel like maybe ghosting all the friends I make is perhaps not the healthiest thing for me to do.

So....any advice?

Thanks.

You can just socialize in moderation. You don't have to completely cut them off all of a sudden. Maybe socializing would be easier if you and your friends met over a common activity, like a game or something.

I find that having the same conversations with people every time I see them gets boring. I also get tired of never getting past the acquaintance stage with people. I hate being the only one putting any effort into a friendship. I don't like to get too close to people because I don't want them to find out my weaknesses and exploit them.

NTs and AS often both feel this way, NTs often have to 'pretend' or put the show face on. This difference it seems is tolerance and understanding. For example, a friend who also has aspergers really did not want to go to a wedding, he felt it would both be boring and exhausting. An NT friend also did not want to go for the same reasons. However, the NT friend was fully prepared to go because they understood their role and responsibilities to those getting married and more importantly, they knew how important a day this was for them and they put them first. However, I feared my AS friend, even if they appreciated that themselves, would not have the tolernance to suck it up and see it through. As someone with AS myself, I totally get that.

This seems applicable to everyday life and friendships too. That little boring and awkward conversation or small talk can make a world of difference to someones day. And it's an investment, because you might need them big time one day.