parents keep calling me "ret*d" at 32

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Dear friends,

i've had a hellish life up till now, there is no ifs or buts about it. I've been alone for most of it cause of absolutely terrible anxiety. I realise my parents "loved" me when i was getting good grades in university, or doing whatever to please them, play instruments and stuff, despite going through absolute hell physically and mentally. When i was going for a PhD i flunked out, cause my body was giving up, and i was crying constantly after being "tough" for the first 26 years of my life. They would never listen to my pain, which at that point i thought was normal, cause i only knew and understood brutality. Thats when hell started in a different way. Succes makes friends, and all that. Untill u need help.
My parents are brutal to the point they have no empathy. This is not an aspie or autism thing i'm "imagining". My mother is an alcoholic and my father a brute who abused me countless times. And thats "'okay" cause i'm built quite big and i can take it physically. I know nothing else. I trust no one because of it. Realising i'm absolutely alone in this world has destroyed me. I'm sick 24:7 cause of IBS, life-ending anxiety, and i STILL plow through trying to exercise, and this, and that. But i'm alone in a way i cannot explain, enter the hope of having at least loving parents.
As soon as i opened up to them about my issues, they showed their true colors. My father started calling me a "f*****g ret*d" , and my mother a failure cause i didnt have the strength to be a criminal lawyer. I tried multiple times to excell in this career, but three bowel surgeries made the cake and i said "no more". I was afraid to eat, sh*****g blood daily and lost my woman of six years because of it. I chose my parents after them stalking her, calling her a whore and all that normal stuff. What a dumb Motherf***er i am. I realise now i was conditioned to fear them, need them. Thats now four years ago, and ive been trying to manage life, but as we all know that is very difficult. Especially when u are alone. I felt on hard times financially, and realised my parents are truly evil when i started needing them. My brother is a bigwig in a large company with three BMW's, and he has jumped on the "ret*d train" as well. He comes by to say i'm a failure, ugly, a loser, a loner, and that i'll "die alone and poor if i'm not carefull". They think "autism is a disease for losers". This will go on and on. My father will lie that i'm still a lawyer, to the point that the police showed up to my door for false identity. I'm so depressed and lonely that they have cornered me in to a spot where i need their assistence, i'm not able to go on on my own cause they keep dragging me through the mud but i cant get away. I have no friends , and they abuse it. They keep "reigning" me in with phrases like: " without me u have nothing". "Who will want such an ugly man as a husband? U will die without us.". And they are right, without them i have nothing. Yesterday i heard my father say he wanted to beat me "to death" cause i'm such a failure. He'll say this without flinching. Call the police? they are his f*****g drinking buddies, and he lies to them that i abuse them, i'm violent, and that i'm crazy. He once called them to beat me up, and they did. I'm scared ever since. This is not a normal life, and if it sounds like a bad movie, than well it does. Stuff like this goes on, and i can assure u the system is more crazy even when u know how it works.
I know, i have a masters in criminal law, and i'm not suing them? I did not feel like i was a lawyer. Getting my masters was kids play, i never went to class and i wrote my thesis in two weeks while drinking beer and listening to Pantera. So it never felt real. I still dont know how to explain this without looking like an as*hole. I can do stuff like that, but on the inside i just love animals and nature. I'm a very sensitive, Kitty loving child on the inside, but i could act like no other. Try to fight ur rich father who is a snake that knows the Judge, the police...if u dont believe me, well, nobody does. Ofcourse, i've tried everything, but they know everyone. Hence the extreme loneliness and my eternal pain. Condition ur child like a puppet to extreme loneliness, and then make sure they can't get away. The level of evil psychology that is behind this is truly astounding. I'm talking Goebbels type stuff. They won. +clap clap+

That's terrible, no wonder you've been sick.
Is it possible for you to move away to another town and make a fresh start away from your family?
I know it may be difficult, but it sounds like a really unhealthy environment for you there.

I have tried, but i have no social skills, and i'm so alone i have no idea where to begin. i cant even walk ten minutes withouth needing a bathroom, and it feels like i'm conditioned to run back to them. It sounds absolutely insane, but thats the truth. I cannot deal with sound, light, busy crowds so wherever i am i revert back to a catatonic state of fear. I need sunglasses, hats, and nature or i feel like i'm being crushed. This will effectively halt any progress at any state.
I know u are right, i just cannot handle it. I've tried moving away four times and they all ended up in a contractual mess. I'm hoping for a nice man or woman with actual empathy that will give me break, working on their farm or something.
Thank u for replying and reading this miserable piece of self pity.
Thank u for this forum, cause it's the first time i've written this down and it feels hella good

have a nice day

thank u for answering! i live in Europe. What astounds me is that doctors keep telling me its in my head. It seems because i held on so long having a "normal life", and "acting", that they now believe i'm making things up. So i've gotten out of the treatment system cause of what happened with the police. I'm incredibly scared that i f i go to anyone with authority they will lock me up for good. That might sound stupid, but i know what i'm dealing with parent wise. My parents once broke my aunties arm and they did a wonderfull job of getting away with it. It scares me to death. I'm getting to the point where i need to find someone that is autistic/ aspie, has their feet on the ground and a little bit older, knocking on their door and begging them to help me. The last psychiatrist i had seen contacted my parents to see if i was lying, and he immediately believed them. He threatened to intern me for three months "or longer". Mind u this was in a s**thole in Brussels where they put me in "observation" (which i was looking forward too, i thought it would be nice to talk, get help...they put me with a guy that tried to kill himself, another one was on heroin, and so on, i didnt even see a doctor for two weeks, without a nice lawyer buddy i would have still been there...viva la belgique) So i no way i'm going to get "help". Its atrocious.
I know it sounds unbelieveable, thats why i'm in a perpetual state of shock.
I know i keep dragging in the past, and i need to quit that. I dont know what SSI is, as i've never even gotten the slightest bit of help or whatever that didnt revolve around me "having to suck it up". I'm want to rent a nice caravan near a lake, i just dont know what to do for money cause i dont fit in anywhere, and i keep throwing up and having to run away from people. I'm also scared i'll be "trailer trash" cause well its a caravan. Its very small but i know i'll love it, but my heart will hurt cause i'll be a failure in the eyes of everyone. I've contacted numerous organisations for help, but i just cannot for the life of me understand why i dont get taken serious. There is no job that allows me to be "me" without hurting all the time, and i've explained everything a million times to "professionals", but it never leads to an actual solution. Is there no freaking farm in the world that needs a big dude that works his ass off with headphones and sunglasses? I need that, and only that. I Always come across as "weird" and people never hire me, or they complain i need to go to the bathroom to much, or that i look like a freaking fool with sunglasses on and headphones (and a hat). I'm sorry i'm rambling, i'll take a deep breath and work on solutions again, i've gotten a nice breath of fresh air thanks to this forum and the wonderfull people that understand me. If i find a way to make money withouth feeling i'm getting crushed/ridiculed i'm on my way. My whole town thinks i'm a ret*d, and guys my age laugh at me all the freaking time, everywhere. My confidence is so low i dont even look in the mirror anymore. I need something that i can do on my OWN. there is no other way.
I absolutely love this forum.

Okay, I can see two issues:
1. Autism
2. Severely disfunctional family.
If you were in Poland, I would recommend to you a foudation lead by a girl with exactly this kind of background: https://www.facebook.com/PRZEMOCNI/ , her personal blog: https://bycjakpippilangstrumpf.wordpress.com/
Unfortunately, all in Polish :/ But maybe if you contacted them, they could find some similar groups in other parts of Europe. Or share their expiriences so you have more ideas what to do now.

While you cannot stop being autistic, there is a way out of the vicious cycle of abusive relationships.

Wow that sounds really unpleasant, I got called 'ret*d' a lot when I was a kid by other kids, but yeah my parents didn't call me names or abuse me. Most of what I got was verbal bullying at school and some teachers where in on it sometimes. So it was by no means as bad as what you've experienced but it still affects me negatively. Kind of sounds like you're dealing with a situation kind of like I had with those teachers...but on a larger scale with the law enforcement. Like how are you going to get help if the system or those in authority are in on the mistreatment? I certainly experienced that with some teachers...no use reporting people bullying me if the teacher on duty is in on it or sides with the bullies.

Unfortunately not sure how to get out of the situation outside of leaving it, so I would certainly make it a goal to maybe get away from that place when you are able. In the meantime though keep in mind this is not your fault, you're not a loser or ret*d I know it can be hard to remember if people keep telling you those things but its not true. Also keep looking for work, I know it can seem really hopeless but if you continue to persist something could certainly come up.

If you can it might also be a good idea to look into getting some kind of disability income, but not sure what would be available in your country. Anyways not sure any of this is very useful, but mostly wanted you to know you're NOT a loser or ret*d or anything like that.

What a***holes. I hate them already. Are you on medicine for your anxiety? It sounds like it would help a lot. Personally, I’d be tempted to cut parents like that off.

From what I’ve seen from Eastern European cultures, they’re quite hard and cold people compared to the west. Have you thought of moving countries?

Yeah you really need to get out of there, this is drastically unhealthy. If you're in Belgium there must be some sort of social security net you can fall onto and authorities you can contact. If not the police then social services. You shouldn't be living like this; don't let them keep dragging you back because it will just get worse and worse and worse.

Wow, that's awful! I have had incidents where I was called "weird" and "ret*d," but never went through anything that awful. I hope you can get some help, belgiumguitardude.

There is probably some sort of homeless care center where they provide emergency housing of some form, possibly in a hostel type place. If you were able to travel to the next county (or region) over where your parents don't know the police, then you could probably attempt to access the emergency housing place. There probably is some kind of drop in place where you can get food, housing help, get signed up for benefits from the jobcenter to be able to have some kind of income. If your parents were willing to help you move out on your own, there probably are some options to get housing benefits and jobcenter benefits for you to get a small apartment, and perhaps a support person if necessary. There could also be some living communities where fellow autistic people and others with disabilities can live together and have some support person.

My family is a lot like what you describe. I am not autistic, but when I was 17 I had to leave my house with no education (my mom didn’t let me go to school) and no social skills. Everyone “knew” that I would amount to nothing because they had decided that I wasn’t smart, nice, or hardworking like my older brother. He is now dead. It doesn’t always pay to be the good guy.

Leaving was surprisingly easy, because I didn’t have to deal with BS anymore. I’m 41 now. I’m married, have a child, a house, regular life. I am disabled because of a physical problem, but I used to be a manager at an IT company. I have two bachelors and a masters. I still don’t talk to 95% of my family. If my mom or most of my siblings died, I’m not sure I’d even know about it. I am happy. I have a great life.

You just have to walk away. There is usually a sh*tter within a 10 minute walk. You can sing Pantera’s “Walk” to yourself as you get there to make the trip more pleasant. Most IBS is somewhat emotional, so it should get a little better as your stress eases. Then if you are in complete control of your diet and environment, that will help too.

Go find yourself a legal job someplace. As a paralegal or whatever you can. Don’t go on disability. Jesus. That will make you feel worse. You gotta keep your mind occupied. Just know public assistance is always a last resort. You won’t starve.

Another thing you can look into is possibly moving to another Western country. When you have a higher degree, it’s not that hard to immigrate. Google if your degree is in demand and what kind of job you could get in another country. My brother in law is British. Well, he’s now American and doing pretty well with his IT degree here. The US loves taking people with higher degrees in white collar subjects. I feel like Australia does too, but you’d have to look it up. I dunno about non-Western countries because of your IBS.

And don’t talk to those jerks anymore. Trust me. You will feel so much better. Don’t tell them you’re leaving. No “closure”. They don’t matter anymore. It works like you wouldn’t believe.

Ask them what's wrong with being a ret*d ?