Is it Really Necessary to Have Friends?

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Someone on this forum suggested that I need to socialize. I don't see why I should but am willing to discuss the possibility.

First, some background.

I'm a 57 year old high school teacher. Although I am the chef instructor of a rural Culinary Arts program, I am dual certified as both an elementary and a high school teacher. This is my 29th year of experience as a teacher. I hold three college degrees and have published 6 cookbooks.

For the longest time I didn't know I was autistic. I wasn't clinically diagnosed until I was 54. As you might imagine, I had a great many ah-hah moments after learning that I was on the spectrum. Knowing why I was the way I was explained a lot about how I've reacted to many events throughout my life.

After receiving my diagnosis, I enacted some changes.

1) To reduce my stress, I transferred from an overcrowded school with some 3,300 students who were crammed onto a campus designed for 2,200. Although I stayed with my district, I took a Culinary Arts job in a smaller school in a rural community.

2) I used moving as an excuse to end some friendships so I could embrace the lifestyle of a reclusive intfovert. I initially begged off doing things with my friends because I was moving ... and then I needed to unpack ... and then I needed time to settle in and in time everyone stopped contacting me.

3) Although I am on friendly terms with several colleagues at my new school, during the three years I've been here, I've made no effort to make friends. I have also not gone to Church and have not made any effort to find a volunteer group to join.

When Friday rolls around, I go grocery shopping on the way home. Once I'm home, I rarely go anywhere over the weekend. I own a home in a gated community and unless I'm expecting a service technician or possibly a pizza, I never answer the door. My cell phone is also kept turned off at all times.

Unlike some people who are on the spectrum, I feel absolutely at peace without having any friends. I have work and I have home and when I'm home, I expect to be left alone. I am not completely alone. I share my home with 5 cats.

I can't think of any reason as to why I should have to socialize.
http://www.yesmemes.com/wp-content/uplo ... emes_5.jpg

Companionship? By nature, I'm a reclusive introvert. I don't need any companionship other than the company of my cats.

Favors? I don't solicit favors from anyone. If I needed someone for anything such as watching my cats while I went on a short overnight trip ... not that I ever would go on a short overnight trip ... I'd pay someone for the service. The advantage of hiring someone who was bonded also means that I wouldn't owe anyone any favors after returning home. I could also hold the company in question legally and financially accountable if anything was damaged or missing.

Romance? Did you know that a single kiss can convey 80 million germs? That's disgusting. I don't even want to think about how hugging would intrude upon my personal privacy zone. Although I think women are attractive, I don't want to be hugged or kissed nor do I have any interest in hugging or kissing anyone. For some reason I can tolerate cuddling with my cats. When I'm sitting in my Lazy Boy recliner, I've had as many as two cats cuddling with me and this doesn't really bother me.

Children? I'm 57 years old. I'm past the point of having children and besides, I work with children all day. I like children enough to teach them ... but at the end of the day, they all go home to their parents. They don't come home with me.

When they're sick, they go to the nurse.

When they're acting up, they go to the office.

Shared Finances? This is admittedly a possibility. My father told me for several years that I would inherit his multi-million dollar fortune after my stepmother passed ... but my stepmother has told me that if my father dies before she does, she will liquidate his entire estate prior to moving overseas. When I told my father what my stepmother had said, he called me a liar and wouldn't talk to me for a year and a half. Since I've held many jobs in many states as well as two countries abroad, I won't be receiving much of a pension if and when I actually retire.

Retirement? Assuming I can afford it, I can see myself living in a retirement community. I would prefer not to live in a group retirement home. Since I'm a reclusive introvert, I wouldn't enjoy being forced to participate in the production of macaroni art, Bingo, or aerobics.

I honestly don't see any benefit in having friends. My life is very simple the way it is. I see no reason to clutter it up with friendships. To be candid, I've also been a lousy judge of character. Most of my friends have been mooches who have taken and taken and taken without giving anything in exchange. Who needs friends like these? Admittedly no one. How could I avoid having friends like these in the future? That's easy. I'm a reclusive introvert. I don't need friends.



Having friends would also detract from my available "me" time. Please don't think that I sit at home twiddling my fingers. I have interests and projects to go with each interests.

I am for example building a 15 mm. scale European village in my garage using made from scratch paper buildings. I am one battalion away from having a full 15 mm. French Napoleonic Infantry Corp. I am also one light cavalry regiment away from having a French Cavalry Corp. I already have a French artillery corp. I am presently working on an Austrian corp.

I build and maintain fresh water ponds.

I produce soap and candles that look and smell like real food. Here for example is a burger soap. Since no one makes a burger fragrance, the meat patty has a bacon fragrance. The bun smells of freshly baked bread. The lettuce smells like lettuce and the tomato and ketchup smell like tomato. The pickle even smells like a pickle.



These are some of my older candles. The newer ones have three wicks to promote an even burn.


In addition to having published 6 cookbooks, I'm working on a science fiction novel.

Who has time for friends?

It's not "necessary" to have friends. If you don't feel the inclination, don't force yourself.

But wouldn't it be nice if you have somebody with whom you could confide?

I don't really have that----but I sort of want somebody like that.

You don’t need friends. If you’re Happy minding your own business, I say keep it up.

You must crave some interaction if you post here, but it’s up to you to decide how much.

No. That's what therapists are for. I could also post concerns in this forum.

Sadly it's been my past experience that some people are not to be trusted. Secrets that have been shared in confidence have been widely blabbed about ... so I admittedly have trust issues regarding the concept of friendship.

I've also had problems with people who mooch off me. They eat my food. They raid my pantry. They borrow money to pay whatever expenses they have ... and when I ask about repayment, I've been accused of being greedy and selfish because I'm "all about the money" even though I was the one who loaned the funds, not the person who borrowed them.

I've given gifts but have rarely gotten gifts in exchange.

I've driven people to this place or that at no cost to them and have later gotten the cold shoulder treatment.

My last relationship was four years ago with a woman who told me that she only wanted to be friends. Since I appreciate knowing what my boundaries are, I readily agreed. One day while watching a movie, she kept leaning against me. In the middle of the movie she went into her bedroom and didn't come back. When I called to ask if she was okay, she invited me into her bedroom.

I found her lying on her back on her bed. She smiled and raised her arms towards me and asked me if I knew what she was thinking.

If this had been a Hallmark movie, I would have thought that romance was in the air ... but since we had agreed to be friends, I knew it couldn't be romance. I subsequently apologized for having intruded upon her when she was clearly tired and needed a nap. After all, she had been leaning against me in the living room.

I left and she broke up with me via text message.

A friend at work told me that I had hurt this woman's feelings because I had rejected her.

I was hurt that she ended our friendship without any explanation or discussion. If anything, I should have received credit for honoring my word.

Friendships are much too confusing. Who needs the grief?

This was a good observation. I like being of service to others. I am after all a teacher and a chef. I've also held a number of volunteer positions in the past including that of USO baker, firefighter, food bank worker, and Red Cross Disaster Relief shelter manager (in training).

There are several things I like about this site.

1) The site is quite active.

2) There aren't any trolls or if there are the moderators have shut them down so quickly that I haven't noticed them.

3) We are all anonymous. Typing my thoughts is also much preferable to the spoken word because words that are said may not be unsaid, whereas words which are typed may be rewritten or even edited.

4) Threads that go in an unexpected direction that I'm not comfortable following may be unsubscribed.

5) Although many people have posted problems or concerns here, it's my impression that the vast majority are looking for constructive criticism as opposed to overly dramatic people who want to talk about problems without actually doing anything about them. To some extent I think this is evidenced by the OP who interacts with people who reply and/or thanks them.

I've been on other forums where people only seem to post problems. One person complained about being denied disability. I asked if he had appealed the disability (which is recommended by the social security administration). I also asked if he had submitted any supporting documentation. One cannot, for example, claim a disability for autism if one does not have a clinical diagnosis along with a supporting letter from a therapist who says that you're currently unable to work.

Instead of responding to me, this person wrote a post to dramatically vent, "DOESN'T ANYONE CARE WHETHER OR NOT I LIVE OR DIE?" He then announced something about a go fund me page to support his inability to work. (sigh)

He never answered my question as to why his disability was declined. I surmise that he did not have a diagnosis or any supporting documentation.

I understand you not wanting friends. I have dealt with many of the same issues you have dealt with. I can't trust people either. People have gossiped about me behind my back and started rumors about me. People have taken advantage of my kindness repeatedly. People have been condescending to me especially once they find out about my disability. It's very difficult to feel like an equal with most people.

I love spending time with my five cats too. I know my cats will always have my back and love me.

You have 5 cats too? That's funny.

All of my cats are rescue kitties. One of them was literally rescued by yours truly from under a neighbor's porch in another state. Would you believe that someone just dumped a box of kittens on the side of the road? I saw this happen but before I could get to the kittens, they had scattered. The driver also zipped off when he saw me coming, so I was unable to get his license plate number.

It was October when this happened and the night had gotten quite cold. I was about to go to bed when I heard a loud EE-YOW coming from my neighbor's house. Since my neighbor hated cats and enjoyed shooting at strays with a BB gun, I threw on a coat and went next door with a flashlight. After following the sound to the front porch, I knelt by the porch and peered under it with a flashlight.

A gray figure threw itself at me and dug his claws into my coat. I hurried home and found a silly looking kitten with a teeny head and big feet. I just knew that when this cat grew up he would be massive.

I fed him some kibble and he ate every bite. I decided to call this cat, Scraps. He's been with me now for about 12 years.

This is Scraps with his somewhat mournful, "I need petting" look. He's a big cat! About 18 pounds.

That girl really wanted you....

But I would have been aggravated by the mixed signals, too.

I used to have a cat that looked like your Scraps. He was a big guy and he loves to cuddle. Most of my cats came from my brother's friends that couldn't keep them or pet stores.

A cousin later told me that I should have gone to her and apologized. Since I have a literal mindset and since she had written that she never wanted to see me again, it did not occur to me that this might have been a possibility.

I also think that I had nothing to apologize for. She was the one who broke the agreement. She was the one who didn't want to talk about what had happened.

In retrospect, things probably worked out better this way. Her family was dysfunctional. She had 4 adult children. Two had issues. One had been an honor student but fell in love with a high school dropout who was also a heroin addict. My friend sent her daughter to boarding school where she graduated with honors but after returning home she resumed her relationship with the drug addict and got pregnant. Both are unemployed and are on welfare. Both are also being financially supported by this woman.

Another adult child had a disagreement with her boyfriend and abruptly moved away. After finding and losing a job and being evicted from her home, she abandoned her belongings (because her car had broken down) and used the last of her money to buy a bus ticket to return home to mom.

Had our relationship progressed in the direction this woman had intended, her family problems would have become my family problems. Supporting 2 adult kids and 1 drug addict could easily have become a shared financial burden.

Although the breakup was rather hurtful at the time, I've come to believe that things worked out in the end.

It probably did "work out in the end."

I wonder if she was the type to "turn it on and off."

I've had that happen to me. It's a pain in the tuchus.