Need help with staring

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I've been looking at old threads to find some useful tricks, but can't find any.

Basically, I need to work on my eye contact. I've been told I hold eye contact too long, and I know it's true. It's occurred to me recently that since I'm much happier than I used to be, I look more around me, and this results in unfortunate encounters with people. This seems to fall into several categories.

1. You know, when you are lost in your thoughts, and you just look right in front of you, and people think you are staring at them, except you're not even noticing them? Seems to happen to everybody on WP, and it's fairly innocent, and it doesn't really seem possible to change, because your mind has to rest sometime.

2. When I'm having trouble interpreting someone's body language, and I hold eye contact for too long while trying to figure out what they want.

3. When I can't decide whether I know someone or they just look like someone I know. I don't have prosopagnosia, but I get people mixed up, particularly when they don't move.

4. I like to look at things and people and make up stories about them, and I get so fascinated I don't realize I'm staring.

5. When I'm exhausted or on the verge of a shutdown, I fixate on something. Sometimes that is a person, because people are more interesting. This one's the hardest one.

I can pass pretty well, and counsellors and the like keep telling me my autism is not obvious and that I don't have to tell people, but I think they underestimate how much stuff like this trips me up. If I could get 'the stare' under control, my life would be a lot easier.

Any practical tips on how to deal with these situations would be greatly appreciated!

I wish I could just tell you to “not stare”—but it’s not so easy.

I would say, if on public transportation, that you read a book or tablet, or listen to headphones. If somebody “catches” you staring, you would then have recourse, since it is evident you have something important (to you) to concentrate on

I tend to look at people I’m fascinated by. I also look at babies a lot.

Try to understand all the reasons why people don't want you to stare at them, and if you catch yourself doing it just gently acknowledge it. Something like "Oh, I'm doing it again," and then look away. Don't give yourself a hard time about it or you'll give yourself a complex.

Oh, and BTW, you're not alone, I'm sure lots of people would like to look around more if it was socially acceptable

Yeah, I do that, but this is not such a huge problem for me. However, I realize that I scan the environment a lot, looking out for trouble or unexpected situations - just having to be prepared all the time. If I look down I tend to get scared, even if I listen to music, because I feel vulnerable. How do you fix that?

Good point. What are actually the reasons people don't want you to stare? I am seldom bothered by this myself, so I'm having a bit of trouble understanding it. Actually, I don't feel people stare at me a lot. I feel I get a lot of unwanted attention anyway, but not of the staring kind. Mind you, some guys take this entirely the wrong way, which is like, well, guys. There's no fixing that.

And how do people avoid it? That's what I don't understand. You have to look somewhere if your eyes are open. If you desperately try not to look at any person it starts becoming very noticeable. How do other people manage it?

Doesn't it go against monkey etiquette to stare? And cows become quite agitated if you glance at them too often. As for people, there must be a set of unspoken rules that most people learn intuitively. If you got hung up about it you could end up taking shifty glances instead, which looks even worse. That's why I think a gentle awareness of it is the best course to take.

I haven't the foggiest. All I know is that with animals it's generally a good idea to avoid eye contact when approaching. With people that's different. I remember someone on WP said they had 'Look at me when I'm talking to you!' tattooed on the inside of their forehead, and I certainly do too. I spent my childhood trying hard to learn eye contact, and look where it got me!

Actually, I do ok when I'm actually talking to people. It's when I'm out and about, strangers, people I have no impression of. Like, for example, I was waiting to cross the street, and, waiting for the lights, was a man on a bicycle, wearing this really nice suit in an unusual blue colour. It was like a fifties film, with the suit and the classic bicycle, and I must have stared, because the guy got this cocky expression on his face.....or whatever it was, I'm not a good judge of that. Clearly he thought I had the hots for him. Now, if I was living in a giant metropole this might not matter, but it's social death where I live, and you can never be sure that people don't remember every stupid little thing you've ever done. How do I turn off the fascination with all things? I'm like a magpie.

But if somebody notices you "scanning the environment," and thinks you're staring at them, then I'm thinking THAT person is the one who "has the problem."

"Scanning the environment," almost always, involves a non-focused sort of "looking," rather than a focused "staring."

Well, like I say, you're not alone

I don't unintentionally stare at people.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything, I look around all the time that's all.

I used to do this continuous scanning to be prepared for situations too and I think it came from wanting to mask my issues. I know it takes me longer than other people to recognize people, process what they’re saying and respond to them so I would try to be aware if someone was approaching me so I could get myself ready for the interaction. I think it’s a big part of what would make me exhausted in large groups of people. Instead I’ve decided that it’s ok for me to take a bit longer to interact and I don’t need to be ashamed of it or try to hide it or prepare in advance. I’ve also decided sometimes I don’t have the energy to interact so I’m not going to force it. This is all new stuff for me but I’ve used it successfully in a few places and I felt less anxiety and less exhausted after the fact by dropping the scanning.

I think the problem is that I process visual info much slower than most people - so I will look in one direction much longer before I move my gaze.

It's true, though, you can't defend against all the idiots of the world.

Umm, I didn't understand this. Were you replying to Joe or to me?

What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I think I will try to prepare less and see if it saves some energy. I'm just not sure how to stop doing it. I've done it for as long as I can remember, so I don't really know what life is like without it, but I realize I've probably done it even more after I found out I was autistic, in an attempt to have things under control.

Also, I realize that I am constantly analyzing the environment I'm in, trying to find out more and more, like a detective, just to be on the safe side. Perhaps not a great idea, or perhaps it's necessary to some extent.

No, I was replying to the post that came in between my last two.