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Anyone else in here deal with this?

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Summer_Twilight
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16 Jul 2018, 7:11 am

Like most of the peeps in here I have faced lots of rejection and exclusion and even into my adulthood. Because of that, I find that I am sensitive to situations where people have to tell me "No" to do a certain activity with them.

Example:
1. Once I went to a funeral for a former co-worker who lost his step son 5 years ago and there was a bar there. So I had wanted to catch up and have a beer since a few of them including his brother-in-law who I also used to work with were getting a beer. My one who lost his step son had to tell me "Hey, we are having a special time for the guys. We always do this special tradition." As a result, I ended up crying which he felt bad about and associated with me later.

Anyone else experience situations like this?



HistoryGal
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16 Jul 2018, 8:10 am

Yes and I don't worry about it. Even an NT can be unaware. You are a sweet sensitive person. Don't change.



Summer_Twilight
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16 Jul 2018, 8:23 am

HistoryGal wrote:
Yes and I don't worry about it. Even an NT can be unaware. You are a sweet sensitive person. Don't change.



Thank you because it does break my heart when people see me crying



ladyelaine
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17 Jul 2018, 9:10 am

Those guys didn't need to be so rude.



Summer_Twilight
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17 Jul 2018, 10:13 am

I broke down and started crying and the person who lost his stepson walked me up stairs and said he was sorry by buying me a drink later. He explained to me that this is a tradition that he and his in-laws did was having beer together and that he was sorry for leaving me out. He really is a very sweet guy.

I also had a similar experience where I was going to quickly grab something to eat and return to eat it at my desk. I ran into two co-workers of mine who were also going and I wanted to join last fall. They told me that they were going out because they needed some one on one time because one of them was going through a rough time and needed to talk in private. At first, I was upset but then I realized that those two worked together at another organization and were very close. They said I could join then another time and had offered me a few other dates but I wasn't available.

Do you ever find yourself upset over situations like this because you have been rejected so many times.



Chronos
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17 Jul 2018, 10:51 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Like most of the peeps in here I have faced lots of rejection and exclusion and even into my adulthood. Because of that, I find that I am sensitive to situations where people have to tell me "No" to do a certain activity with them.

Example:
1. Once I went to a funeral for a former co-worker who lost his step son 5 years ago and there was a bar there. So I had wanted to catch up and have a beer since a few of them including his brother-in-law who I also used to work with were getting a beer. My one who lost his step son had to tell me "Hey, we are having a special time for the guys. We always do this special tradition." As a result, I ended up crying which he felt bad about and associated with me later.

Anyone else experience situations like this?


Social rejection, exclusion and non includion are almost universally disliked among humans. Humans are programmed to feel hurt by it. People on the spectrum, on average, are just subjected to rejection more.



Last edited by Chronos on 17 Jul 2018, 11:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Summer_Twilight
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17 Jul 2018, 10:59 am

Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Like most of the peeps in here I have faced lots of rejection and exclusion and even into my adulthood. Because of that, I find that I am sensitive to situations where people have to tell me "No" to do a certain activity with them.

Example:
1. Once I went to a funeral for a former co-worker who lost his step son 5 years ago and there was a bar there. So I had wanted to catch up and have a beer since a few of them including his brother-in-law who I also used to work with were getting a beer. My one who lost his step son had to tell me "Hey, we are having a special time for the guys. We always do this special tradition." As a result, I ended up crying which he felt bad about and associated with me later.

Anyone else experience situations like this?


Social rejection, exclusion and non includion are almost universally disliked among humans. Humans are programmed to feel hurt by it. People the spectrum, on average, are just subjected to rejection more.


I have heard that you almost have to read between the lines to understand the unwritten rules. In this case:
1. You have to have something in common with the people who are part of the group - They may have similar interests
2. They have things in common - such as having children or being married.
3. They have a tradition that they have been doing with a certain type of people

For us, we want to belong and I think that's difficult because we don't get there are unwritten rules there.



Chronos
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17 Jul 2018, 11:22 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Like most of the peeps in here I have faced lots of rejection and exclusion and even into my adulthood. Because of that, I find that I am sensitive to situations where people have to tell me "No" to do a certain activity with them.

Example:
1. Once I went to a funeral for a former co-worker who lost his step son 5 years ago and there was a bar there. So I had wanted to catch up and have a beer since a few of them including his brother-in-law who I also used to work with were getting a beer. My one who lost his step son had to tell me "Hey, we are having a special time for the guys. We always do this special tradition." As a result, I ended up crying which he felt bad about and associated with me later.

Anyone else experience situations like this?


Social rejection, exclusion and non includion are almost universally disliked among humans. Humans are programmed to feel hurt by it. People the spectrum, on average, are just subjected to rejection more.


I have heard that you almost have to read between the lines to understand the unwritten rules. In this case:
1. You have to have something in common with the people who are part of the group - They may have similar interests
2. They have things in common - such as having children or being married.
3. They have a tradition that they have been doing with a certain type of people

For us, we want to belong and I think that's difficult because we don't get there are unwritten rules there.


This is very true. In many of the instances where I have been excluded or not included in a social situation, it had nothing to do with the person or people disliking me but rather that I was not considered or deemed as belonging due to my sex or ethnicity or age. In many instances, I don't see why those things should matter but unfortunately to most people they do.



ladyelaine
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17 Jul 2018, 1:10 pm

Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Like most of the peeps in here I have faced lots of rejection and exclusion and even into my adulthood. Because of that, I find that I am sensitive to situations where people have to tell me "No" to do a certain activity with them.

Example:
1. Once I went to a funeral for a former co-worker who lost his step son 5 years ago and there was a bar there. So I had wanted to catch up and have a beer since a few of them including his brother-in-law who I also used to work with were getting a beer. My one who lost his step son had to tell me "Hey, we are having a special time for the guys. We always do this special tradition." As a result, I ended up crying which he felt bad about and associated with me later.

Anyone else experience situations like this?


Social rejection, exclusion and non includion are almost universally disliked among humans. Humans are programmed to feel hurt by it. People the spectrum, on average, are just subjected to rejection more.


I have heard that you almost have to read between the lines to understand the unwritten rules. In this case:
1. You have to have something in common with the people who are part of the group - They may have similar interests
2. They have things in common - such as having children or being married.
3. They have a tradition that they have been doing with a certain type of people

For us, we want to belong and I think that's difficult because we don't get there are unwritten rules there.


This is very true. In many of the instances where I have been excluded or not included in a social situation, it had nothing to do with the person or people disliking me but rather that I was not considered or deemed as belonging due to my sex or ethnicity or age. In many instances, I don't see why those things should matter but unfortunately to most people they do.


I don't have much in common with most people my age I'm single,childless, live at home with my parents, don't have a driver's license, and only work part time. Most people my age are much further along in their lives so they can't relate to me anymore than I can relate to them.



HistoryGal
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17 Jul 2018, 1:17 pm

People also exclude based on perceived income level.



Summer_Twilight
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17 Jul 2018, 2:45 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
People also exclude based on perceived income level.


People can also exclude you based on the type of person you are in terms of personality and appearances based on that. I have also learned that people aren't comfortable with people who are atypical like myself.

I worked at a warehouse for 8 years and the owner had a son with severe autism but she didn't really take that much interest in me. Though we appeared to get along at first when I got into college and became serious about my career choices is when things changes. Whenever she did lunch out with the other women I was excluded. I didn't understand it because she was a mom of a child with autism so one would think she would invite me. I soon learned that maybe it's because we had different interests and probably personalities too. When I was invited out, it was only to a pizza buffet with members of the work program which I was in.

Then another time I was excluded by friend's mom who threw a 30th birthday for my friend because and yes her mom wasn't that interested in me through her daughter was to the point of obsession. I wasn't invited to that gathering because these were mainly her family and friends that she had grown up with. Still, I was hurt because I had done a lot for her daughter.



Chronos
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17 Jul 2018, 3:11 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
HistoryGal wrote:
People also exclude based on perceived income level.


People can also exclude you based on the type of person you are in terms of personality and appearances based on that. I have also learned that people aren't comfortable with people who are atypical like myself.

I worked at a warehouse for 8 years and the owner had a son with severe autism but she didn't really take that much interest in me. Though we appeared to get along at first when I got into college and became serious about my career choices is when things changes. Whenever she did lunch out with the other women I was excluded. I didn't understand it because she was a mom of a child with autism so one would think she would invite me. I soon learned that maybe it's because we had different interests and probably personalities too. When I was invited out, it was only to a pizza buffet with members of the work program which I was in.

Then another time I was excluded by friend's mom who threw a 30th birthday for my friend because and yes her mom wasn't that interested in me through her daughter was to the point of obsession. I wasn't invited to that gathering because these were mainly her family and friends that she had grown up with. Still, I was hurt because I had done a lot for her daughter.


I've noticed that a lot of mothers of children with autism are often not very understanding of others on the spectrum, partucularly those more high functioning or who appear more high functioning than their child, and this has lead me to wonder if this is a manifestation of spectrum traits in the mothers.



Summer_Twilight
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17 Jul 2018, 3:32 pm

She understood autism for its several cases but when it came to me, she just didn't get it next to some of her friends in her little clique at work. They all thought that I was using "Autism" as an excuse to get away with things and especially when it came to things like sarcasm and the job coach standing so dangerously close. To her, milder cases were dangerous, weird and "Not all there." She was very destructive and very passive aggressive if I did anything that bothered her. I also felt like I had to step on eggshells around her in terms of letting her know when things bothered me.

She also showed a great deal of partiality to other co-workers as well whenever they were celebrating something major like weddings, housewarming parties, baby showers and going away gatherings which they expected me to be a part of because I was "A part of their family." She even went out of their way to buy them gifts. When it came to me having a housewarming party and graduation, she didn't bother making time for my things or get me anything and not even have everyone in the company sign a card for me.

She found out over a year later through other sources that I was hurt she didn't come to my party or get me any gifts and she didn't get it. She was more concerned that I was "Gossiping" about her that she was in really thinking about my feelings.



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18 Jul 2018, 3:52 pm

Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
HistoryGal wrote:
People also exclude based on perceived income level.


People can also exclude you based on the type of person you are in terms of personality and appearances based on that. I have also learned that people aren't comfortable with people who are atypical like myself.

I worked at a warehouse for 8 years and the owner had a son with severe autism but she didn't really take that much interest in me. Though we appeared to get along at first when I got into college and became serious about my career choices is when things changes. Whenever she did lunch out with the other women I was excluded. I didn't understand it because she was a mom of a child with autism so one would think she would invite me. I soon learned that maybe it's because we had different interests and probably personalities too. When I was invited out, it was only to a pizza buffet with members of the work program which I was in.

Then another time I was excluded by friend's mom who threw a 30th birthday for my friend because and yes her mom wasn't that interested in me through her daughter was to the point of obsession. I wasn't invited to that gathering because these were mainly her family and friends that she had grown up with. Still, I was hurt because I had done a lot for her daughter.


I've noticed that a lot of mothers of children with autism are often not very understanding of others on the spectrum, partucularly those more high functioning or who appear more high functioning than their child, and this has lead me to wonder if this is a manifestation of spectrum traits in the mothers.


NT moms of autistic people tend to not want me around their kids because I'm not from any of the popular families and all they care about is social status. They wish their autistic kids could be normal.



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18 Jul 2018, 4:11 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
She understood autism for its several cases but when it came to me, she just didn't get it next to some of her friends in her little clique at work. They all thought that I was using "Autism" as an excuse to get away with things and especially when it came to things like sarcasm and the job coach standing so dangerously close. To her, milder cases were dangerous, weird and "Not all there." She was very destructive and very passive aggressive if I did anything that bothered her. I also felt like I had to step on eggshells around her in terms of letting her know when things bothered me.

She also showed a great deal of partiality to other co-workers as well whenever they were celebrating something major like weddings, housewarming parties, baby showers and going away gatherings which they expected me to be a part of because I was "A part of their family." She even went out of their way to buy them gifts. When it came to me having a housewarming party and graduation, she didn't bother making time for my things or get me anything and not even have everyone in the company sign a card for me.

She found out over a year later through other sources that I was hurt she didn't come to my party or get me any gifts and she didn't get it. She was more concerned that I was "Gossiping" about her that she was in really thinking about my feelings.


Nobody cared about my graduation. My boss waited until the last minute to sign off on my request for my day off for my graduation ceremony. She didn't even congratulate me. The principal eventually threw a party for me with a cake and a small gift. I think that because I was in the psych ward for a few days and my mom had mentioned my graduation to her when she was explaining why I was in the hospital. My mom wasn't going to tell her the real reason I was in the hospital so she told the principal that I was overwhelmed and got sick. The party was alright, but I could tell that my coworkers really didn't care about my graduation. When other coworkers had bridal showers and baby showers and other stuff, everybody bent over backwards and did stuff for them. It sucks being the odd one out and not being cared about.



Summer_Twilight
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18 Jul 2018, 6:32 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
She understood autism for its several cases but when it came to me, she just didn't get it next to some of her friends in her little clique at work. They all thought that I was using "Autism" as an excuse to get away with things and especially when it came to things like sarcasm and the job coach standing so dangerously close. To her, milder cases were dangerous, weird and "Not all there." She was very destructive and very passive aggressive if I did anything that bothered her. I also felt like I had to step on eggshells around her in terms of letting her know when things bothered me.

She also showed a great deal of partiality to other co-workers as well whenever they were celebrating something major like weddings, housewarming parties, baby showers and going away gatherings which they expected me to be a part of because I was "A part of their family." She even went out of their way to buy them gifts. When it came to me having a housewarming party and graduation, she didn't bother making time for my things or get me anything and not even have everyone in the company sign a card for me. She found out over a year later through other sources that I was hurt she didn't come to my party or get me any gifts and she didn't get it. She was more concerned that I was "Gossiping" about her that she was in really thinking about my feelings.


Nobody cared about my graduation. My boss waited until the last minute to sign off on my request for my day off for my graduation ceremony. She didn't even congratulate me. The principal eventually threw a party for me with a cake and a small gift. I think that because I was in the psych ward for a few days and my mom had mentioned my graduation to her when she was explaining why I was in the hospital. My mom wasn't going to tell her the real reason I was in the hospital so she told the principal that I was overwhelmed and got sick. The party was alright, but I could tell that my coworkers really didn't care about my graduation. When other coworkers had bridal showers and baby showers and other stuff, everybody bent over backwards and did stuff for them. It sucks being the odd one out and not being cared about.


I hate being the odd person out myself and what makes it worse is that you can't confront these people without them "Blaming the victim," and making excuses for their behavior.