Sociopaths/Narcissists Drawn to Autistic People?

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czarsmom
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14 Jul 2018, 4:46 pm

I'm a 57 year old woman with ASD. I seem to have had more than my fair share of so called "friends" who turned out to be abusive and exploitative towards me. I just recently removed myself from a toxic relationship with a "friend". She would monopolize the conversation, try to one up me whenever I tried to say something, not listen to me, keep asking me to do things for her, be snarky at times for no reason, etc. After a little while I got sick and tired of this. I felt drained after talking to her or being with her, so I told her I wanted her to stop calling me. I never called her, because she was always calling me. This sort of thing has happened to me many times in the past.

I want to know if this happens to other persons with ASD. If so, what has been your experience? I would love to hear some feedback on this. I've worked hard to learn how to have normal healthy relationships with other people. By the way, I also had a narc mother and much abuse growing up. It seems like there are a lot of nasty people out there. I feel like I have a target on my back that these people can see, but I can't see it myself.

Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends who are kind and supportive, and not like this. But it seems that most of the people who try to strike up a friendship with me are such as I described.


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14 Jul 2018, 5:42 pm

I have encountered a lot of these types of people myself. I try like hell to avoid them when I can. Narcissists and Sociopaths think of us easy to manipulate and take advantage of because we have little to no friends and are often naive about people.



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14 Jul 2018, 5:47 pm

I walked away from that once I had the chance



Gallia
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14 Jul 2018, 5:52 pm

but also we may be drawn to them? i really admired one of my ex housemate. she was a sociopath (diagnosed) and had a criminal record. I admired how charming and cool she was in social situations. I observed her every move trying to learn how to be equally charming until i realised how shallow she is and how little she cares about people around her. at that point, she had begun being very cruel to me and playing mind games. she would bully me then make me feel sorry for her with her "sad life story" and i would eat it up like the dumbest person ever. really for someone supposedly smart i can be so stupidly naive. eventually she attacked me in a drunken rage and my mother called the police on her and i moved out. very scary.

ofc she also turned a lot of people we both knew against me. a few years later i met another of my flatmates from that time who said he moved out too because she had begun tormenting him instead. that made me feel less stupid.


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Last edited by Gallia on 14 Jul 2018, 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ladyelaine
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14 Jul 2018, 5:57 pm

Gallia wrote:
but also we may be drawn to them? i really admired one of my ex housemate. she was a sociopath (diagnosed) and had a criminal record. I admired how charming and cool she was in social situations. I observed her every move trying to learn how to be equally charming until i realised how shallow she is and how little she cares about people around her. at that point, she had begun being very cruel to me and playing mind games. she would bully me then make me feel sorry for her with her "sad life story" and i would eat it up like the dumbest person ever. really for someone supposedly smart i can be so stupidly naive. eventually she attacked me in a drunken rage and my mother called the police on her and i moved out. very scary.


Narcissists and sociopaths like to make you feel sorry for them. I can't say anything about my life to a narcissist or a sociopath without them making it a competition. They will say that my problems are nothing compared to their problems.



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14 Jul 2018, 6:01 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
Gallia wrote:
but also we may be drawn to them? i really admired one of my ex housemate. she was a sociopath (diagnosed) and had a criminal record. I admired how charming and cool she was in social situations. I observed her every move trying to learn how to be equally charming until i realised how shallow she is and how little she cares about people around her. at that point, she had begun being very cruel to me and playing mind games. she would bully me then make me feel sorry for her with her "sad life story" and i would eat it up like the dumbest person ever. really for someone supposedly smart i can be so stupidly naive. eventually she attacked me in a drunken rage and my mother called the police on her and i moved out. very scary.


Narcissists and sociopaths like to make you feel sorry for them. I can't say anything about my life to a narcissist or a sociopath without them making it a competition. They will say that my problems are nothing compared to their problems.


true and they will also use that knowledge against you - to manipulate you emotionally or make fun of your hardships.

or even worse, make it seem like they are the only ones who understand!! !


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czarsmom
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14 Jul 2018, 7:23 pm

Narcs are vile, toxic people. I won't have anything to do with them, if at all possible. They are leeches emotional vampires. It does sound as if they are attracted to people like us. I'm much harder to manipulate when I was younger, but am still not NT. I still find it hard to read people. My husband tells me, watch out when they are very friendly right away. I've been watching youtube videos to learn more, and one says watch out if someone gives you a lot of praise and flattery.


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14 Jul 2018, 8:19 pm

czarsmom wrote:
Narcs are vile, toxic people. I won't have anything to do with them, if at all possible. They are leeches emotional vampires. It does sound as if they are attracted to people like us. I'm much harder to manipulate when I was younger, but am still not NT. I still find it hard to read people. My husband tells me, watch out when they are very friendly right away. I've been watching youtube videos to learn more, and one says watch out if someone gives you a lot of praise and flattery.


I agree with you on watching out for people who are too friendly too soon. People like that always have an angle. Praise and flattery don't mean anything to me unless it comes from someone that I am close with.



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15 Jul 2018, 12:15 am

I may have had some experiences with sociopaths, but I definitely came across a few narcissists including my maternal half sister. The sad part is that she's not only a narcissist, but evil as well. Sadly, some people will still defend her no matter how much harm she does. Anyway, I made my share of bad friends over the years and sometimes you'd find these people in the least expected places. In my case, I found some at church and one at the community college I used to attend. I noticed some of the posters on this thread said that narcissistic people tend to praise others a bit too much. It was kind of the case with this African lady from Kenya I used to know. With her, when we first met she came off as nice and we decided to be partners on a school project for our Medical Terminology Class (thankfully, the only class we had together).

Once I got to know her and some of her family, it became clear to me that they held prejudiced views against many non-black races and ethnicities with the exception of white people who weren't Jewish. Keep in mind this was the African lady, her sister and even her eldest niece who the latter of which shared some of the same sentiments as her mother and Aunt. Anytime I mentioned to the Kenyan lady or her sister about wanting to marry an Asian man, they'd make remarks about them being "racist" or how they're chauvinistic or any other negative qualities they can associate with Arabs or East Asians. They knew I was half black and half white. According to them, I could only marry a black or white man because of this. I was also pestered by this African lady about what I'm doing in my life regarding my work or school situation. I was ridiculed by this African lady when I told her I sold on eBay, and she remarked how it's for "lazy people." To make a long story short, I finally decided to end my friendship with the Kenyan lady and her family after I accidentally signed a warrant for her niece's second husband's license to be suspended. It took me six years to break it off with those horrible people.

What's really sad about them is how they try to adapt the liberal black ideology yet still held onto their own hatred for people of different ethnic groups. They don't even like West Africans either and Lord knows how they really feel about African Americans. I really should've used my brain back then too. If I was wise, I would've dropped the class we had together and left her hanging on the school project. I should've saw the warning signs back in 2012 when she asked me if I'd still come over after our class ended. Definitely a sign of a bad friendship.



czarsmom
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15 Jul 2018, 12:01 pm

It also seems as bad behavior is on the rise in general among people. My husband works in retail, and he says this, because so many more of his customers are rude, entitled, demanding, and abusive to him. Not just customers, but doctors, nurses, and insurance company people. I myself have run into many more random hateful and angry people in grocery stores, parking lots, etc. There seems to be a lot more anger and hatred in more people these days than there used to be. That has been my own experience.


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15 Jul 2018, 12:13 pm

czarsmom wrote:
I'm a 57 year old woman with ASD. I seem to have had more than my fair share of so called "friends" who turned out to be abusive and exploitative towards me. I just recently removed myself from a toxic relationship with a "friend". She would monopolize the conversation, try to one up me whenever I tried to say something, not listen to me, keep asking me to do things for her, be snarky at times for no reason, etc. After a little while I got sick and tired of this. I felt drained after talking to her or being with her, so I told her I wanted her to stop calling me. I never called her, because she was always calling me. This sort of thing has happened to me many times in the past.

I want to know if this happens to other persons with ASD. If so, what has been your experience? I would love to hear some feedback on this. I've worked hard to learn how to have normal healthy relationships with other people. By the way, I also had a narc mother and much abuse growing up. It seems like there are a lot of nasty people out there. I feel like I have a target on my back that these people can see, but I can't see it myself.

Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends who are kind and supportive, and not like this. But it seems that most of the people who try to strike up a friendship with me are such as I described.


Interesting. I can relate to this as well. I think autistic people are so unsure that they notice bad behavoir way too late then NTs. Thats my simple answer why.
For me for example I have difficulties to notice if someone is rude, avoiding, uninterested or just normal. This constant ambivalence feelings leading other ppl to take advantage because they pick up that "she dont get it, I can be snarky but shes seem ok, i continue".

Its not fair.


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15 Jul 2018, 12:16 pm

czarsmom wrote:
It also seems as bad behavior is on the rise in general among people. My husband works in retail, and he says this, because so many more of his customers are rude, entitled, demanding, and abusive to him. Not just customers, but doctors, nurses, and insurance company people. I myself have run into many more random hateful and angry people in grocery stores, parking lots, etc. There seems to be a lot more anger and hatred in more people these days than there used to be. That has been my own experience.


I agree on that. People are getting nastier by the second. Parenting has gotten worse too. Parents are too busy trying to be their children's friends and buying their love with material goods. Kids of all ages want everything their way all the time and aren't used to being told no or having to wait on anything. Kids have no qualms about talking back to adults these days or breaking rules right in front of adults.



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15 Jul 2018, 12:22 pm

alpacka wrote:
czarsmom wrote:
I'm a 57 year old woman with ASD. I seem to have had more than my fair share of so called "friends" who turned out to be abusive and exploitative towards me. I just recently removed myself from a toxic relationship with a "friend". She would monopolize the conversation, try to one up me whenever I tried to say something, not listen to me, keep asking me to do things for her, be snarky at times for no reason, etc. After a little while I got sick and tired of this. I felt drained after talking to her or being with her, so I told her I wanted her to stop calling me. I never called her, because she was always calling me. This sort of thing has happened to me many times in the past.

I want to know if this happens to other persons with ASD. If so, what has been your experience? I would love to hear some feedback on this. I've worked hard to learn how to have normal healthy relationships with other people. By the way, I also had a narc mother and much abuse growing up. It seems like there are a lot of nasty people out there. I feel like I have a target on my back that these people can see, but I can't see it myself.

Thankfully, I do have a couple of friends who are kind and supportive, and not like this. But it seems that most of the people who try to strike up a friendship with me are such as I described.


Interesting. I can relate to this as well. I think autistic people are so unsure that they notice bad behavoir way too late then NTs. Thats my simple answer why.
For me for example I have difficulties to notice if someone is rude, avoiding, uninterested or just normal. This constant ambivalence feelings leading other ppl to take advantage because they pick up that "she dont get it, I can be snarky but shes seem ok, i continue".

Its not fair.


People seem to run hot and cold sometimes. They will be nice to one second, then ignore you the next second. There are couple of ladies at my church that do that to me and my family. We just try to avoid them.

The other thing people do is ignore you when other people are present and then act like you are best buddies once everyone is gone. I try to avoid these types as much as possible too.



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15 Jul 2018, 1:18 pm

I have had my fair share of people like this believe me as I have posted a great deal about the ones who hurt me and like the rest of you, I have learned to put my foot down with people like that.

I had a toxic relationship with someone who had NLD where others on the outside looking in felt that she was not a very supportive friend along with also having other issues along with being mean. In fact, she was a very weird friend.
1. She was controlling and didn't want me associating with any of her friends and family where there would always be hearsay from her. She did some really sneaky and mean things to keep friendships from bonding
2. Was very envious of the being of my weight, looks, and intelligence and was scared that this one guy who we both liked would choose me over her. As soon as she met her husband, she liked to dangle him in front of me and do things like rub on his hair with this evil little smile on her face
3. There were several times where she blew me off and everything else was more important
4. She was very manipulative
5. She was destructive
6. She stabbed me in the back
7. She was also very negative
8. She put me down so that I would cry
9. She came to my gatherings but others felt that she didn't show any appreciation. Rather it was an obligation.

At the end of our friendship, she invited me over for Christmas in the middle of going through a period of unemployment. Yet, the signs were clear that she didn't want to be with me being that she started making plans and then bailing or stating that she was "Tired" when we ran into each other one afternoon. The entire time she acted like nothing was wrong and that we were close friends.

Then she rejected me one week later because she didn't "Like it" for calling her out due to showing up at a New Year's gathering with an arrogant attitude via facebook by hinting. Yet, she never bothered to say "I'm sorry." Rather it was "My husband felt out of place." :x



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16 Jul 2018, 7:02 am

Well, yeah, I suspect my (soon to be ex-) husband has NPD.

I recently split from him, and I sometimes think things would be easier if I could just write him off as being evil. But he's not. Or not deliberately - he's not the malicious kind. He's more a sort of blindly oblivious wrecking-ball.

There's absolutely no understanding of other people's wants and needs (where they differ from his own), and the constant expectation that everyone should do things the way he thinks is right. Friends are cultivated for their usefulness to him, but become enemies as soon as they dare to contradict him.

I think there's a reason we fall prey to these people. Being with him helped me in some ways - I learnt from him how much society values self-confidence (even misplaced), and how humility can be taken as weakness. Useful life skills for an autistic.

And then I learnt how soul-destroying it is to have the control over one's life gradually eroded away. I learnt to be wary of those who radiate constant dissatisfaction. And in the end I started to get the idea of standing up for myself. Another damn good life skill.

He wants me back. He's sending me presents and flowers and offering to take me out for dinner. He's wooing me like he did 25 years ago. He's being... I dunno... sweet?

I think there's going to be another lesson in here, somewhere, I'm just not quite sure what it is yet.



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16 Jul 2018, 8:24 am

With my last Narc, I was flying too close to the sun. Got to know him real well but by that time, I was in deep. Working together was great as in super,in between his anger bouts.

Good grief, he was so charming. Those types are left wondering if anything was ever real. Hollow feeling after the fact.