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Bothered by a casual friend's behaviors

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Summer_Twilight
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19 Jul 2018, 8:06 am

I don't know if I have talked about this or not but back in April, I had a special meeting as I am going through some major life changes right now. Among this was this casual friend with Asperger's or rather has a diagnosis was invited and attended. Through out the event, he made some really strange comments that I thought were hurtful as he has done this to me in the past.

Basically, this event is meant to help people with autism and other types of disabilities gather people who they feel closest to who can help them make helpful decisions and set some real goals. During the event each person was required to say something about me. When he went, they asked him if he thought I was inspiring when I met him and he said, "Yes I did but I also thought she was weird. However, look at her now she's has all these things going for her."

Later during the event, we were talking about me joining a club at a university in my city and when we were sitting there, he sent me a text and said "Here you go."

When I got home I opened the text which was from him "This club is just for students, faculty and staff at that university."

Since then, I haven't seen him and he has not tried to call me or anything though we work in the same area.



kraftiekortie
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19 Jul 2018, 9:44 am

Just ignore him. He seems like sort of a busybody.....



Summer_Twilight
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19 Jul 2018, 10:07 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Just ignore him. He seems like sort of a busybody.....



I did confront him about what he said and he ignored me but honestly, I have gone round and round with him about the way he puts me down many times. The last time we made up was a couple of years ago and he admitted to me that he is sometimes afraid to talk to me because he feels that he's worried what he's going to say next.



Esmerelda Weatherwax
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19 Jul 2018, 11:52 am

^^ Sounds like a compulsion to be snarky. Not much fun to be around.

Next time he pulls this, you might text him: Orlando, As You Like It, Act III, Scene II.

(The line is: "I do desire we may be better strangers." Let him look for it.)

;-)


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Summer_Twilight
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19 Jul 2018, 1:55 pm

Esmerelda Weatherwax wrote:
^^ Sounds like a compulsion to be snarky. Not much fun to be around.

Next time he pulls this, you might text him: Orlando, As You Like It, Act III, Scene II.

(The line is: "I do desire we may be better strangers." Let him look for it.)

;-)


Thank you I am always looking for comebacks for snide remarks like for supercilious and sneaky remarks from prideful people who seem to enjoy thinking they are superior to others. He is one of those people who seems to think that towards others on the spectrum because he connects with NTs better.

He also often boasts about how he didn't fit into this autism center where they were teaching social skills because all the other adults were lower functioning than him but that he seemed to get along with this young adult ministry where he's had no problem being the popular guy.

Finally, he has been known to act more condescending towards me in thinking it's okay to boss me around about my social skills.



HistoryGal
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19 Jul 2018, 3:23 pm

He's an a$$hole.....quit wasting time with people like that.



Summer_Twilight
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19 Jul 2018, 3:40 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
He's an a$$hole.....quit wasting time with people like that.


Luckily he hasn't contacted me since the event and nor has he hinted that we get together for lunch. The last I heard, he has connected with a former graduate student who he was in class with and has been doing lunch with her instead. This was according to another friend of mine who works in a different department and she felt that he sounds like he wants to "Fit in" and be "Normal."

I called him out for talking to me the way he did but he hasn't responded and nor has he said he was sorry for talking to me the way he does.



ladyelaine
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19 Jul 2018, 3:50 pm

Just delete that jackass from your life.



Summer_Twilight
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19 Jul 2018, 7:03 pm

How should I handle him the next time I cross paths if I need to avoid him?



Chronos
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19 Jul 2018, 9:44 pm

Based on his words aone, he may not be intending to be hurtful.

He was asked question and gave a truthful answer, and he told you a club was only for certain people affiliated with the university, which might be the case. Remember, people on the spectrum tendcto more often be honest rule followers. He may have texted the comment to you to avoid making you feel humiliated in front of others.

He might have not replied to you when you confronted him because he might be perplexed as to how he could have responded differently in those situations. You might point out to him that the point of the group is to build up people up and by saying negative things which can safely be omitted, being unecessarily non constructive in and criticisms, he is violating the rules of the group.

As an example for him,he was asked if he found you inspiring. His answer was honest when he said at first he thought you were weird, but he was not asked his first impression of you so there was no need to say that and doing so was an unsolicited criticism which was hurtful and not necessary.

If he had been asked if he found you inspiring and he didn't, the tactful way to handle it would have been to merely redirect to a trait he found positive about you, for example "I find her to be a really cool person."



Summer_Twilight
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20 Jul 2018, 7:52 am

Chronos wrote:
Based on his words aone, he may not be intending to be hurtful.

He was asked question and gave a truthful answer, and he told you a club was only for certain people affiliated with the university, which might be the case. Remember, people on the spectrum tendcto more often be honest rule followers. He may have texted the comment to you to avoid making you feel humiliated in front of others.

He might have not replied to you when you confronted him because he might be perplexed as to how he could have responded differently in those situations. You might point out to him that the point of the group is to build up people up and by saying negative things which can safely be omitted, being unecessarily non constructive in and criticisms, he is violating the rules of the group.

As an example for him,he was asked if he found you inspiring. His answer was honest when he said at first he thought you were weird, but he was not asked his first impression of you so there was no need to say that and doing so was an unsolicited criticism which was hurtful and not necessary.

If he had been asked if he found you inspiring and he didn't, the tactful way to handle it would have been to merely redirect to a trait he found positive about you, for example "I find her to be a really cool person."


Thanks Chronos, never thought it of that way



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20 Jul 2018, 11:51 am

It shouldn't be too surprising when our autistic acquaintances say and do things that are abrasive. After all, that's part of the diagnosis.

At the same time, I think I'd avoid this person for the most part. If you bump into somewhere, exchange a nicety ("have a nice afternoon!") and let it go.

Addressing how his comments made you feel is not likely to yield any satisfaction for you, at this point; and as for educating him, well, that's not your responsibility.


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Chronos
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20 Jul 2018, 1:14 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
It shouldn't be too surprising when our autistic acquaintances say and do things that are abrasive. After all, that's part of the diagnosis.

At the same time, I think I'd avoid this person for the most part. If you bump into somewhere, exchange a nicety ("have a nice afternoon!") and let it go.

Addressing how his comments made you feel is not likely to yield any satisfaction for you, at this point; and as for educating him, well, that's not your responsibility.


It's not her responsibility to educate him but I just wanted to provide a possible explaination for his actions. I think most people on the spectrum have unintentionally upset people before when they did not have bad intentions.



BeaArthur
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20 Jul 2018, 2:52 pm

I agree, Chronos. Hence my first paragraph. "It shouldn't be too surprising...."


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Summer_Twilight
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23 Jul 2018, 1:40 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
I agree, Chronos. Hence my first paragraph. "It shouldn't be too surprising...."


I saw him today and I think he saw me but I saw him put his tray away at lunchtime but he seemed to get out of there pretty fast in an angry haste. As I said, I confronted him recently in an email letting him know that I wasn't happy with the way he treated me and he didn't bother to acknowledge it for say, "I'm sorry."

I am not going to both investing any more time in him because he has the tendency to be mean and thinks it's okay. Besides, he has a chip over his shoulder right now because some things out working out for him in his life. I think he's depressed and a little envious of me because things are going better for me.



Summer_Twilight
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11 Aug 2018, 9:13 pm

I have an update about this person and we aren't even casual friends at this point because it's obvious that he's chosen not to have anything to do with me. He's honestly acting very childish about it too because.

1. I saw him on the elevator with his co-workers in the dining program headed to eat in one of the dining halls. When I got on, he didn't even bother to politely wave or say hello. Rather, he and several of them turned the other way so they wouldn't look at me. I don't even know these people.

2. He blocked me on Facebook

I suspect he's jealous of me because he wants to be a teacher and had one opportunity fall apart on him. So now he's doing data entry while I am appearing to live my dreams.