How to be assertive?

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Can anyone advice me ways to be assertive? Does assertiveness only involve an ability to refuse requests or something more...? I have got seriously problems with assertiveness. I'm unable to refuse requests without offending people.

This is one area I am weak in. I would like to know too.

I think that every bit of direct communication that you can manage will help in the long run. For example if you want to change an appointment you can just call, say something has come up then ask if it's OK to postpone things without going into any long winded explanations or apologies.
See what happens, it's like driving in traffic, if people can see what you are doing they are usually fine with it. Hesitating and trying to pre-empt other people isn't helpful.
Once you get the hang of asking directly refusing politely will become easier.

What's your experience with this? I've often been told to be more assertive, but I don't feel like that's entirely fair. I wonder if some of us fear certain assertions because we've unknowingly offended others due to communication differences or not understanding some social cues. I also feel like many people who've told me to be assertive are also the ones who ignore when I say no. I feel like to most NTs, no is more of a negotiation. To me it's an assertion. Don't know if you relate. At this point I tend to avoid or use silence or other, appropriate, methods to assert myself, such as just not rewarding bad behavior with attention. I do this because I find saying no is basically useless.

Ah yes that traffic metaphor. Don't put your signals after you begin the turn.....

I've seen this episode- But seriously, if assertiveness isn't your strong key then you don't have to go for that. You can be polite and get your point across. Just practice your adjectives, be very polite but use strong adjectives

like "I really would love to help you but I undoubtedly can't"


Obligatory tho

There are any number of self-help books out there that teach assertiveness. That being the case, it doesn't make sense for anyone to write a book here to teach you assertiveness. Go shop around for a book that seems useful to you.

In a book on assertiveness, you will learn certain techniques. An example is the broken record method. You bring an item back to the store to return it. They don't want to accept the return.
Store: You can't return this item without a receipt.
You: I don't have a receipt because it was a gift, but I want to return it anyway. I will accept either a refund or a store credit.
Store: It's our policy to accept no returns without a receipt.
You: I understand that, but you do sell this very product, it is on shelves now, I am returning it with all the original packaging, and I have done everything right that I could have done. I want to return it anyway. I will accept either a refund or a store credit.
Store: If you don't show us a receipt, how do we know it wasn't stolen, or purchased from a different store?
You: I understand your concerns, but I want to return it anyway. I will accept either a refund or a store receipt.

The words in boldface are the repeating parts. Eventually you wear the clerk down and they accept the return.

I just realized some of you might not understand the metaphor of a broken record. Back in the days of vinyl records, when there was a scratch on the vinyl, the same little bit of music or speech would repeat over and over and over.

Affirmations worked for me. I write down what I want to be true (e.g. "You are happy" "You are strong" etc) and stick it on my laptop or somewhere I will see it often. Within a few months, I'm dreaming I'm that person the affirmation asserts. Soon, I begin acting like it too. It will change your life. I can't believe more people don't do it. I wrote a whole book about it because it's so incredible and I wish everyone did it. The only catch is you need to push through the early "weird feeling" stage, where your conscious mind tries to fight the truth of the words. After that, it's smooth sailing.

asperger101 wrote:
Can anyone advice me ways to be assertive? Does assertiveness only involve an ability to refuse requests or something more...? I have got seriously problems with assertiveness. I'm unable to refuse requests without offending people.


I think it has to do with tone of voice and the way a request is refused. For little things you might be willing to do under different circumstances maybe mention that. For example, "Oh I'm really busy [now/that day/etc.], how about [tomorrow/Tuesday/next week]?" or "I don't like that [restaurant/bar/activity], how about we go to [different place or activity]?"

Of course sometimes you just have to say no and hope people will be reasonable about it. Some will be upset no matter what you say.

Are you bullied or are you just unassertive? This is important.

Assertiveness comes from within.

It can't be forced and don't overthink it.

Instead, you need to work on an inner confidence that will shine through. Look at all the aspie gifts and start to appreciate yourself and your talents one by one. For example, I see patterns everywhere, I collect small data points that most people miss and form a trend. That comes in handy. I see things logically, I don't let emotions cloud my judgement and make sound decisions. There are many things about us that makes us brilliant.

Once you are comfortable in your own skin and have learnt to ignore those that will tell you otherwise, that confidence will fuel your assertiveness.

So when someone asks me to do something that I don't want to do, I will politely refuse with a smile and a "no thank you", then when they pressure me I simply look them in the eyes and state firmly that it's not going to happen. If they see your certainty, they see that you are not apologizing or weak, they will instantly back off. You won't need to defend yourself or apologize, you will just emit confidence enough that your word is accepted at face value.

Damn it, I guess somebody had to do it. Still probably one of my favourite episodes.