Why are AS expected to understand but NTs get away with not?

Post Reply New Topic

I couldn't think of another way to word the title, but this is a thought that passes through my mind when spending time on autism forums.

Here's an example:-

A. Aspie is having a bad day and doesn't feel like smiling or talking to people.
NT friend: Hey, how are you doing?
Aspie (coldly): Fine. I have to go now
(Aspie walks away. NT feels dejected).
Relative, or therapist, etc (to Aspie when Aspie confides): You may be feeling fed up today but you still can't act unfriendly to somebody who wanted to talk. Others don't know what you're thinking or what's going on in your life unless you tell them, so if you act cold and distant, people will feel hurt and think you don't like them.

B. NT is having a bad day and doesn't feel like smiling or talking to people.
Aspie friend: Hey, how are you doing?
NT (coldly): Fine. I have to go now
(NT walks away. Aspie feels dejected).
Relative, or therapist, etc (to Aspie when Aspie confides): NT was probably feeling fed up and didn't feel like talking to anyone. You should think about what they might be going through, maybe they have a lot on their mind. It's not just all about you. Other people have problems and if they seem unfriendly you can't just go around assuming they don't like you.

So, basically, Aspies are lectured by others to try to read people's minds and not take things personally, but NTs often fail to read our minds and take it personally if we are feeling a negative emotion, but somehow the NT is always in the right either way.

The examples I've provided both have EXACTLY the same scenario, but just with neurologies reversed. When an Aspie is feeling blue, we are still expected to please NTs by smiling and being friendly, otherwise we are being "rude". But if an NT is feeling blue, we mustn't get offended, instead we've practically got to draw up a complicated diagram to work out why the NT was acting all unfriendly, rude, cold and distant, and somehow know what's going on in their lives and have sympathy.

Here's another example:-

A. Aspie is sitting in a rather large restaurant, with lots of empty tables. A man with a dog comes in and literally sits at the table nearest to the Aspie, and the Aspie isn't keen on dogs but the dog starts pestering the Aspie, disturbing his meal and making him feel uncomfortable. The dog's owner doesn't get up and move to a further away table that has more space between other tables so that the dog wouldn't be near enough to pester anybody.
Aspie confides with relative/friend/therapist, and is told this: You don't own the other tables. If a man with a dog chooses to sit there then it's up to you to ignore the dog. Maybe he wanted to sit near you because you was near a window or something. Or maybe he had other things on his mind and wasn't thinking.

B. NT is sitting in a rather large restaurant, with lots of empty tables. An Aspie with a dog comes in and literally sits at the table nearest to the NT, and the NT looks rather annoyed and unsettled about the dog but the dog starts pestering the NT, disturbing his meal and making him feel uncomfortable. The dog owner doesn't get up and move to a further away table that has more space between other tables so that the dog wouldn't be near enough to pester anybody.
Aspie confides with relative/friend/therapist, and is told this: You're the one who chose to bring your dog into the restaurant, you should consider that other people are eating and might not want to be disturbed or invaded. It doesn't mean nobody likes your dog, but maybe that person you sat near was afraid of dogs or something and was just uncomfortable. You could have moved to a different table, one that's furthest away from other tables so that your dog wouldn't be able to pester anybody else. People don't like being intruded by animals whilst they are eating. You need to consider other people.

Get the picture? It sucks being an Aspie.

First off, you should expect the rules to favor the other, because they're about your behavior: you can be nice, but can't force others to be nice.

Secondly, most people bend the rules in their favor. To make up for this, the rules need a built-in bias against them. Therefore, those who follow the rules literally end up at a disadvantage.

I agree.We as Aspies are expected to behave in such a perfect manner and anything short of that,we get blamed for it.When I was still trying to make friendships,when I tried to talk with this one person(who's a NT),he was upset that day,and I was told by someone that I shouldn't brother people who feel down.On the other hand,when I feel down and don't feel like talking to people(whether if they are family members or not),people tell me to get over it,stop being snobby, being told that it's rude to ignore people,etc.It's like people with Aspebrers/Autism are expect to have empathy and Sympathy for others,no matter what,but yet NT'S(People who don't have AS/ASD) don't have to have any empathy or sympathy for people with AS/ASD. That is one of reasons why I overall dislike NT(Non AS/ASD)people.

Well, here's another example that proves the NT wins again.

A. Aspie has been reading a book for the last 10 minutes. NT wants to read it, he waits for 5 minutes then pulls the book away from the Aspie because of impatience. There is no time limit or rush for the NT to read the book, bearing in mind. But if the Aspie gets upset that the book was snatched away while he was in the middle of reading it, Aspie will be told that "he doesn't own the book and that he should take turns instead of hogging it".

B. NT has been reading a book for the last 10 minutes. Aspie wants to read it, he waits for 5 minutes then pulls the book away from the NT because of impatience. There is no time limit or rush for the Aspie to read the book, bearing in mind. But if the NT gets upset that the book was snatched away while he was in the middle of reading it, Aspie will be told that "he shouldn't snatch a book away if someone's not finished reading it, even if they arranged to take turns the Aspie still should wait until the NT is finished or at least ask the NT how long he's going to be with it."

That's called being lower in the pecking order. We autistics tend to find ourselves at the bottom, but it's not strictly an autistic thing.

I used to believe naïvely that the same rules applied to everyone, but, as those experiences show, the alleged rules are empty, opportunistic babble to make it look like there's some kind of fairness. There's always a stock rule to favor whomever the one in power wants to—often themself—so they pick it and act like the contradicting rules summoned in the past never existed.

It's funny to read George Orwell's elaborate definition of doublethink, which seems to require truly wicked minds to implement, only to realize people do it all the time as naturally as they breathe, isn't it?

Expect people to behave that way. Don't take those alleged rules very seriously, or you'll end up like I did, trying to remember them all, not knowing what to do and being always in the wrong anyway. What matters is whom you need to obey for the time being, keeping them happy and trying to gain as much control over your own life as possible in the long run, so they get to screw less and less with you.

The Aspie has to point all this out to the criticizer, and prove it through examples. Yes, the burden still falls on the Aspie.....but it would make the criticizer think a little bit.

Aspies should be pro-active in making themselves winners by proving, in a nice, respectful way, the hypocrisy of the above scenarios.

The Aspie shouldn’t just give in and say “I lose every time.”

I've never gotten that to work. They usually don't bother to listen, and insisting only makes them more openly hostile, because I'm making a nuisance of myself.

I’d keep doing it and doing it (in a nice way, of course) until people get the message.

I would also try to be more willing, at times, not to withdraw when I feel the inclination to withdraw.

These people are not worth your time.

Sounds like a bunch of high school nonsense to me.

Another thing I see on this forum is those of us with an odd feature like shaky hands or something frequently get NTs pointing it out, not to offend but just out of curiosity. And it makes it sound like it's an appropriate thing to do. But as Aspies, we've always been told never to point out an odd feature about somebody else because it might seem rude and could offend them if they are insecure about it, even if we are just curious and are polite about it.

Also many Aspies get called weird to our faces. It just seems acceptable when an NT does it, although it's not.

Joe90 (I love the show, BTW. Wouldn't it be cool if The BIG RAT was real?), you make some great points. It really does seem like there's an acceptable double standard. I agree for example on the asking people direct questions thing.

I saw my brother-in-law about a month ago and he'd shaved his head. He did that once before years ago when he, my sister and their kids all got head lice on a vacation. They all shaved their heads. I held back (barely) from saying the very first thought that came to me when I saw him: "Did you get head lice again?". I told my wife after, that I was just about to ask him but stopped and she said I did the right thing and asking him that wouldn't have been a good thing. Even though, she admitted to me she wondered the same thing.

It feels weird but I'm been working here long enough to move to the top of the pecking order. Seniority. And being able to do lots of stuff that nobody else can. It's nice being able to take off every good weather day of the season to use up my six weeks of personal time off. Used to be four weeks of vacation time and two weeks of sick leave.

I wasn't expecting to get old so quickly.

Yep, the double standards are infuriating.