Really? After 2 1/2 years I still get this...

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I met my boyfriend 8 months after his wife passed away unexpectedly. I have done everything I know how to do to be acommidating (sp) to my boyfriends three grown children, Huey, Dewey and Louie. I have been accused of lots of different things, from being a whore in a sex starved fling to trying to take over their mothers place in the family. It has taken me a long time to accept them into my life because of all this. I haven't done anything wrong yet for some reason one of these kids is continuing to be very cold towards me.

Louie and his wife have been staying with us for a few weeks, they have an eight month old baby boy. In six weeks they have not handed me their baby once although they have seen that I would never hurt him. If I pick the baby up then he is taken away from me rather quickly. I have been called Aunt (name) which I think is weird because grandpa's aren't supposed to sleep with aunts. Due to both of this childs grandmothers being dead I am the only grandmother he will ever know but I am afraid to get close to him because I know I will loose that relationship in the future whenever my boyfriend dies. That would rip my heart out.

I have my own two grown children that I do not get along with so I certainly don't want to be a mother to these three children. I would like to be friends with them though.

Three weeks ago I showed cold Louie some warmth by giving him a quick friendly hug. I was chastised for moving too quickly and told I was weird and inappropriate. Keep in mind that this is a family of uneducated neurotypical people. And THEY don't want to be touched?

I have been a part of these childrens lives for 2 1/2 years and I'm still getting the cold shoulder. My boyfriend keeps telling me time will bring them around. I'm tired of waiting for time. Would someone please say something? What type of social blunder did I commit?

when you find out, please tell me. I am curious to know myself. I do not understand these social issues people have. I am also not good with the idea of time. a year would have been plenty of time for me lol, but most people are odd from what I have experienced. I would like for my partner to speak up, but I have also heard it is inappropriate for me to ask that of him, I have been in similar unknown blunders, not specific to step children but similar in nature towards relatives that are not blood. It hurts to know I deal with it, but it is nice to know I am not alone. Sorry I am not much help, but I felt I should at least let you know that someone else doesnt understand either...

Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I wish I knew of a local support or social group for adult Aspies in eastern Idaho. It would be nice to know someone else like me. I will let you know what happens.

Louie's wife Donna, not real name, left last Friday afternoon to go to Seattle and came back Monday but we haven't seen her since Friday. It is now Thursday morning at 1:42 am. She is most likely with her family several miles from here and that is good, she doesn't see them often. The only communication we have had with her is about the neighbors rhubarb. It would be nice to have a time line though so I know if I should lock the door or not.

Some people are never be able to accept emotionally a family member getting a new partner after the death of their lifelong partner. This happened way back when my grandpa died and my grandma found a boyfriend. Some of us were glad she was able to find romantic happiness in her 70's, while other felt a sense of betrayal. Another words this is not about you.

Thank you. I am beginning to see I am not the problem. I know it will take time but also think if we could just talk then things will be easier until that moment comes around. Noone wants to talk.

I would start right here. If my wife passed away and I wanted a relationship that led to marriage, I would need that woman not to be "a" mother, but be "the" mother to my son. I would not treat her as a "replacement" mother, but as her own person who will accept me and my son and provide all the loving warmth and guidance a child needs in the role of a mother.

Given that you clearly stated you don't want to be a mother to these three kids and you have a dysfunctional relationship with your biological kids, I would think your boyfriends relatives are seeing those signs (red flags) which is causing their passive non-approval of you, your abilities/track-record and/or simple "want" to fill this mother-role - whether it be with his kids or merely in a lesser "auntie*" role.

(*Lots of people use "Auntie" to descried any older woman that will be around their kids a lot even if they are not an actual auntie or even related.)

I'm not trying to be mean, but their judgment of you is not unwarranted, it's pretty much the conclusion any rational adult would come to. IMO and most other adults, the role of a mother/father is the most important "job" a person can have as they shape a kid(s) childhood which mainly sets up the type of person they will become - in a positive or negative way.

Your social blunder (although I wouldn't descried it this way because it's much more serious than this) is that your stepping into a role that you don't understand or want, but still expect others to treat you as if you do understand and want. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but these three kids futures are dependent on a proper parental relationship so I'm stressing this point.


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"Due to both of this childs grandmothers being dead I am the only grandmother he will ever know but I am afraid to get close to him because I know I will loose that relationship in the future whenever my boyfriend dies. That would rip my heart out"

The above statement again should make you think about your ability to provide a mother/parental role:

Once a relationship is established with a young child, that child then grows up and has a choice if they want to continue it when they're older. Why would this fear be in your mind, unless you expect your boyfriend to die in the near future? And if so, he would have a will indicating who (you) would become legal guardian of his kids.

These kinds of thoughts and unawareness of your situation need to be addressed before you continue on with your boyfriend. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but hopefully you'll see things from the right perspective - your boyfriends kids future.

Hopes this helps,
BB400guy

Moderator: Can you please delete the post I made (I tried to delete it but wasn't allowed).

I misread the O.P. post and mistook it for saying she didn't want to be a mother to her boyfriends kids (I assumed they were young) and didn't understand why his family were not approving of her. I clearly missed the part that said his kids were now grown ups. My apologize Perkulator...

-BB400guy

Thank you bb400guy for your comment. I hold no ill will towards you or anyone else. I did ask for comments. If my boyfriends children were minors I would indeed step up and be their mother because I do love children, unfortunately I do not have this option to be a bigger part of that part of their lives. When I think about it though I really am so glad they had their own mom for over 30 years because that is what was best for them.

Ahhh The story with my own children is very complicated. My childrens father, my ex-husband, was not the best influence on our children. As they became adult's they have made their choices to be like my ex. I will not put up with the bs they like to dish out. I have to take care of myself in order to be around for them when they mature into responsible adults. They are female 24, and male 26, both unmarried and no children. I taught them to take care of themselves and make sure their lives were in order to bring their own children into a stable environment instead of chaos.

Why aren't you married to your boyfriend? After this long and being in a family type relationship, it seems to me that he should have popped the question. The adult kids may not be bothering to respect you because they think you're temporary. Once it is clear that you are the family matriarch, who is not replacing the old one or trying to erase her memories, I think it's your dude's job to make sure you are respected. His adult children should not treat you disrespectfully and you new grandchildren should get a chance to have a normal relationship with you.

I don't have any genetic family older than me that can be around my little boy. I'm grateful that he has non traditional grandparents. I asked each grandparent what they would like my son to call them and have been calling them by that name. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is so important and so helpful to tired parents. Talk to your guy, both about the marriage issue and about him having a talk with his kids.

Sadly your situation is very common nowadays, because of the large number of re-composed families. Children (including adult children) who have lost their mother often find it very difficult to accept their father's new girlfriend/partner/wife. Sometimes they never come to accept them.

So although you have your own issues, I don't think you should blame yourself - or them. It's just the way it is. All you can do is be warm and friendly to them and hope that eventually they might respond. But don't hold your breath.

We cannot afford to be married. Marriage seems to be something only the rich can afford. Also we don't plan on having children together so it is not needed to make sure a child is legitimate.

You did nothing wrong. They resent you being there because they don't want their dad to want anyone but their mom and instead of being angry at him and taking it out on him for wanting another woman after his wife died, they take it out on the other woman who is simply being wanted and loved and loving back. I think they are blaming you instead because they don't want to believe that their dad fell for somebody else of his own free will. This is a kind of natural response but people usually handle themselves better and realize when something is their own issue. There is usually some kind of resentment and sometimes it can be fixed and sometimes it can't. It is solely the issue of the person feeling the resentment though, especially when the couple didn't even know each other until after the spouse had died.

You can'd do anything about this and neither can their dad. The only thing he can do is suggest family therapy for those three duckings and himself. Not you. Not yet. They won't do it if he does it and shows the intentions are to smooth things over concerning you. Right now they also probably need some family therapy with him so they can get out what they feel and they can hear him explain his feelings and the therapist can give them some ideas to cope with this, if they will actually do them.

I'd suggest not touching the baby. He sees you as the stealer of his family so he will see you as trying to steal his baby or his baby's love or steal the some sort of sacred spot in the baby's heart it's dead grandmother has set apart for her or some such other macabre illogical sentimental stuff where he's transferring his own feelings onto his baby who doesn't even have the concept of grandmother, aunt, who people are in relation to him except they take care of him and he likes them and is comfortable and safe with them and he certainly doesn't feel or know about any obligation that his dad seems to think he has to love his dead grandmother. But his dad sees it that way and anything you do will make it worse. As hard it will be for you, leave them alone. Don't be cold or mean to them but don't try to be nice. Be courteous like you would to a stranger who doesn't want to talk to anyone on an airplane or in a hotel lobby. Share the same space with them but don't engage them or initiate anything except for what you have to say, and then do it politely like you would to an acquaintance.

That may not fix it, but it won't make it worse. He's going to hold everything you do against you and see it in the worst possible light so if you back off and just be there and don't do anything at all to, for, or at him, then he can stop accusing you of s**t in his mind and maybe actually notice what you do and how his dad treats you and see that you didnt ride in on your broom and snatch his dad up at the cemetary and fly off to vegas with him to force him to marry you drunk. Or whatever similar concept he has. He may not change or start seeing things different. He may never do that. You have to accept that you may never have a decent or cordial relationship with them. Your primary relationship is with your bf, and he is the one who has the relationship with his sons and even the baby. Anything at all on your part that isn't absolutely necessary can be seen by him as pushing into that, even though it's not.

I would suggest that you go see a therapist or a counselor or something with a little professional knowledge of this kind of thing and ask for suggestions. Even a grief counselor could help you. In fact, they would probably be a good place to start. Call the funeral home who handled her body and see if they offer that. I suggest that place in case the counselor has met with any of them in private and has knowledge that could help give you a better suggestion. Also, if you can get your bf to take the boys to a grief counselor that is a logical place to go and the counselor will already know the trouble you are having so everybody will get a better chance at help.

Either way you did noting wrong and they will blame you for everything. Remind yourself all the time of that and give it maybe a month of backing off and absolute minimal contact with them and if nothing has changed them you may need to rethink your living situation or the kids situation, but see a counselor soon.

You did nothing wrong. They resent you being there because they don't want their dad to want anyone but their mom and instead of being angry at him and taking it out on him for wanting another woman after his wife died, they take it out on the other woman who is simply being wanted and loved and loving back. I think they are blaming you instead because they don't want to believe that their dad fell for somebody else of his own free will. This is a kind of natural response but people usually handle themselves better and realize when something is their own issue. There is usually some kind of resentment and sometimes it can be fixed and sometimes it can't. It is solely the issue of the person feeling the resentment though, especially when the couple didn't even know each other until after the spouse had died.

You can'd do anything about this and neither can their dad. The only thing he can do is suggest family therapy for those three duckings and himself. Not you. Not yet. They won't do it if he does it and shows the intentions are to smooth things over concerning you. Right now they also probably need some family therapy with him so they can get out what they feel and they can hear him explain his feelings and the therapist can give them some ideas to cope with this, if they will actually do them.

I'd suggest not touching the baby. He sees you as the stealer of his family so he will see you as trying to steal his baby or his baby's love or steal the some sort of sacred spot in the baby's heart it's dead grandmother has set apart for her or some such other macabre illogical sentimental stuff where he's transferring his own feelings onto his baby who doesn't even have the concept of grandmother, aunt, who people are in relation to him except they take care of him and he likes them and is comfortable and safe with them and he certainly doesn't feel or know about any obligation that his dad seems to think he has to love his dead grandmother. But his dad sees it that way and anything you do will make it worse. As hard it will be for you, leave them alone. Don't be cold or mean to them but don't try to be nice. Be courteous like you would to a stranger who doesn't want to talk to anyone on an airplane or in a hotel lobby. Share the same space with them but don't engage them or initiate anything except for what you have to say, and then do it politely like you would to an acquaintance.

That may not fix it, but it won't make it worse. He's going to hold everything you do against you and see it in the worst possible light so if you back off and just be there and don't do anything at all to, for, or at him, then he can stop accusing you of s**t in his mind and maybe actually notice what you do and how his dad treats you and see that you didnt ride in on your broom and snatch his dad up at the cemetary and fly off to vegas with him to force him to marry you drunk. Or whatever similar concept he has. He may not change or start seeing things different. He may never do that. You have to accept that you may never have a decent or cordial relationship with them. Your primary relationship is with your bf, and he is the one who has the relationship with his sons and even the baby. Anything at all on your part that isn't absolutely necessary can be seen by him as pushing into that, even though it's not.

I would suggest that you go see a therapist or a counselor or something with a little professional knowledge of this kind of thing and ask for suggestions. Even a grief counselor could help you. In fact, they would probably be a good place to start. Call the funeral home who handled her body and see if they offer that. I suggest that place in case the counselor has met with any of them in private and has knowledge that could help give you a better suggestion. Also, if you can get your bf to take the boys to a grief counselor that is a logical place to go and the counselor will already know the trouble you are having so everybody will get a better chance at help.

Either way you did noting wrong and they will blame you for everything. Remind yourself all the time of that and give it maybe a month of backing off and absolute minimal contact with them and if nothing has changed them you may need to rethink your living situation or the kids situation, but see a counselor soon.

I spoke to Donna the daughter-in-law about what role I am to play in the baby's life and I was met with a rather cold and empty answer of "I don't know. What do you want?" While I was talking with Donna her usual bright cheerful attitude was replaced with a cold one telling me she just puts on an act for people and is really quite a different person on the inside that what she portrays to others.

I have been cordial but not warm with her and I have stayed away from the baby. I cannot afford to get attached to yet another baby only to have my love for the child ripped away. I have to protect myself.

Sounds like a friggin' weird family to me.

I know you really like/love this guy...and that's why you have to stay in this situation.

I don't envy you one bit.

Just know that there are people who commiserate with you. Who might even be in a similar situation.

I do wish things were better for you.