Severe social isolation

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone,

I'm back. It's been a long time since I logged into the forum but I need to get something off my chest ... how do you cope with severe social isolation? I have no social contacts at work (I have a part-time job as a research assistant at a big public university) and because my other job (writing my PhD thesis) takes almost all of my time and energy I have almost nothing left. I almost finished my first year of my PhD and it's been incredibly hard socially - I have no social contacts outside of work. I don't know how other people do it ... everyone at my research group and at work is so good at making new friends and going out for drinks which I can't do (can't drink due to my epilepsy). I feel incredibly alone in this. I've attended a few support groups for autistic people but no one there is my age (I'm 28) and I don't have a lot in common with the people there. I just don't know what to do - I have a hard time socializing due to my Asperger's and the more I stay alone in my flat the more autistic I get, it's a vicious circle and it hurts.

Lea

There might be some "apps" that could plug you into social networks and such. They have an "app" for everything under the sun it seems so it might be worthwhile to check into it. I only know of dating apps but there's bound to be something useful.

Are there any special interest clubs you could join. When I was an undergraduate at a University we did allow graduate students to participate in some club activities.

@guitarman2010:

I've tried social media apps (twitter, facebook) but it overwhelms me. I can never keep up with the discussions going on there and the constant influx of information stresses me out... there's so much going on and I can't process it all fast enough.

@BTDT:

We don't really have any social clubs ... there's a reading group at my department but it's just for gossip and smalltalk and I don't have any interest in that - it's really beyond me how people can enjoy that ... and how it somehow leads to friends

Not sure I can help you here. When I went to college, I split my time between studying and working. There was no time left for socializing. I was also a member of a church youth club. Met a few individuals through this club and through work. I reasoned after college, it would be the time for socializing.

When my daughters went to college, they were in sororities. That gave them some socialization. But you need to pick the right sorority, one that prides itself on academics.

I'm sorry you're feeling isolated. When I was in grad school the socializing I got from classes and lab meetings was enough. We all shared an office too. Is there anyone you might like to ask out to do something you like to do either one on one or as a small group? Maybe just lunch if you are short on time. I've had the most success socializing one on one while doing an activity that relates to a special interest. It can be scary to ask but it's a lot of fun when they say yes!

As for apps, have you tried Meetup? If the Autism groups don't work for you maybe look for groups that focus on an interest or geek culture, like gaming or D&D. I've also had a good experience with a church group. Sure, it was mostly old ladies but they were super nice and I was able to practice small talk in a low stress environment. If you are not religious humanist, unitarian, or atheist groups might work as well.

Hi everyone,

@jimmy m:

I had the same issue when I was a student - studying and working took all my time which is why my circle of friends wasn't that big from the beginning. Now that I'm a PhD student and on a scholarship it's a little better but most of my friends moved away and I can't seem to find new ones.

I think there's a cultural difference between sororities in the US and in Germany (where I live) - we do have them over here but all of them are for men only and you have to be invited.

@SunConure:

That's true! I do a lot better in one to one situations, makes it easier to focus on the conversation. I have to share an office with my colleague too and it's exhausting. Sometimes my colleague asks me if I want to join her for lunch but she usually brings a group of friends and then I sit there not saying anything because I'm so overwhelmed.
I haven't heard of Meetup, thanks! I'll give it a try.

And I get what you mean about local groups - the support groups I'm a part of are a really good way of socializing for me plus I know what we're going to talk about in advance because they're support groups specificially for autistic people. We had a meeting on Saturday but I couldn't attend because the social worker who's running the meeting forgot to pick me up at the train station where we usually meet up. I ended up having a meltdown on the train because I couldn't find my way to the meeting and then I couldn't get back. But there's a meeting with a different group tomorrow, maybe I have more luck then.

@BeaArthur:

Good point! I tried but when the others asked me why I don't drink and I told them the truth (uncontrolled epilepsy) they never invited me back.

Hi Lea,

I am in a fairly similar situation to you. I am a little bit older, but not too much.

I don't know if it will help you feel any better, but I hear what you are saying.

I am sure there are lots of people at your university who don't drink either and probably share the same passion that you do field wise. Look how far you have come? Do you have a PhD? Cool.

You could also consider going to things like university talks revolving around your topic and network. Usually, they don't drink much at those. In the meantime, bring along a portfolio of all your work to these events to show them what you are working on.

If you want look up


Virtual reality social network


It sounds expensive

Personally I don't want to be addicted to technology

And I am financially broke




But that method might help you







JD Salinger and Sylvia Plath allegedly were. Hermits socially


And that did not prevent "the bell jar"

What is so bad about social isolation?





I am 35, have no precious lil "friends", no job, only Bachelor degree in Cognitive Science and Associates degree in Accounting. Only had minimum wage jobs and got made redundant




Sitting around talking feels like it takes way too much energy

Like walking on eggshells

And (almost) all social interaction involves a lot of talking

And for what? What is the objective?

Not worth the effort

It's like, the best case scenario is whooptie do and the worse case scenario is, subject to imagination



Not having precious lil "friends" is the least of my problems. Maybe it is not even a problem

In the past precious lil "people" that told me they were my "friends" did the following things:

Refuse to call me "he" instead of "she," (they were homophobic"

Off leash dogs in her apartment, that were not even hers. We had arranged for me to come over to her apartment, before she arranged to invite the dogs. The dogs chased and barked at me and scared me. The precious lil "friend". Knew I was (and continue to remain) afraid of dogs




Then she had the nerve to tell me that I used too much toilet paper

She interrupted me repeatedly when I was trying to talk

She said "what" instead of "excuse me"

A former precious lil 'friend" took my car (vehicle)

A different "friend" tape recorded me without consent or knowledge and accused me of sending her computer virii (virus). Which I did not do or even think of

They told me my breasts were large

Cancelling too many plans



maybe arrange a written contract, a priori

But there are so many things that are not. ok that there is no exhaustive list

written friendship contact.

Maybe starting your own autism support group

Hi everyone,

thank you so much for your replies! Knowing that there other people who experience the same means a lot. I just had a (small) seizure again this evening and I feel so down about it.

I've been thinking about starting my own autism support group.

I've been to networking events but they weren't really a place to make friends. There was loud music, almost everyone wore a really obnoxious perfurme and it was crowded. Not very accessible to autistic people and I left early. They should make these things more accessible I think ...

Lea

I am so to hear that but it sounds like you made an effort to put yourself out there and gave it a try and I am so proud of you. What about quieter events? Again, guest lectures might be a better option for you to attend.

Also, remember, you are creating a dissertation and other people are going to marveled by your work in addition to the millions of articles that others are going to read.

Thank you for your kind words!

I like guest lectures a lot better. It's less of an event, more like a regular class and you usually have something to talk about/discuss. However I do find it difficult to use guest lectures as a way to find friends - when the lecture is over I usually leave immediately because I'm overwhelmed.