Age 35 and I'm not sure what's going on with me

Post Reply New Topic

This seems to be the worst year of my life and I'm not sure where to turn to. I'm unemployed, single and basically living with my mother. I'm "working" at an advertising firm that doesn't seem to be going anywhere (my boss doesn't know what he's doing) and I have to leave work because I had the worst panick attack of my life. I didn't want my life to amount to this ... I feel like I don't have control over anything and the world has passed me by before I got to experience anything (I spent the last 5 years getting a BA, so, there's that). All I want is adventure. All I want is to work a job where I'm proud of myself (preferably one where I'm reading a lot and spending time editing).

But, over the last year up until now, I've been unstable. I've been feeling lonely (thought I'm trying to get out more) since my friends have left to live their own lives some years ago and I've been frustrated with that ever since especially when I'm alone. I lashed out at my father for s**t he had done decades ago (he should be in prison for what he's done but that's a story for another time) and haven't talked to him and my family hasn't spoken to me since that long ago. I encountered an ex (the proverbial one that got away) which brought up a HUGE number of feelings that I guess were bottled up leaving me thinking of how alone I am and what I don't have.

So now I'm broke (I was working a different job some time ago but was laid off because my position was unnecessary), alone and I have no place of my own. This is rock bottom. VERY MUCH rock bottom. I don't know what to do or where to go. I fear if I don't get help I might become more unstable and less able to contain myself. I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't know where to get it from. Is there anything anyone can do to help me? Is there a place I can go? I'm panicking and I don't have anything to show for all my schooling and everything I've done. Is there a place I can go?

The first thing Id say is take it one step at a time, because if you see it as a whole then it becomes way too overwhelming. Oh and just dont worry too much and keep trying because if you can just keep trying then some day soon that effort will mean things fall into place.

I hit rock bottom in Id say 2013/14 and that wasnt the obvious rock bottom because it had been going on a long time, but that was the time I was giving up! Ive found that if you do give up because your holding the weight of all your problems at once then where can you go? No one can lift them off you really I think its just about making each thing easier to cope with.

I really hated having nothing left from all the years work Id put into my studies, what was the value in my top marks if no one knew Id ever done that stuff. I really got angry about that back then but it was pointless because I gained what I gained at the time, and I dont need to even tell anyone about it or certainly not be praised for those marks etc. Its definitely about how you see it, rather than about the outcomes. I started from the basic needs of humankind and began to tick off everything I do have, and I was able to feel better because Ive really nothing to worry about at those levels. All the stuff I do worry about isnt important if I dont dwell on it. No one else cares either so I am much happier living this way and the pressure is OFF!

Im going to make my own adventures, and I bet you could to. That would start you off on a path to change and then hopefully you could pick apart other problems so that they gradually disperse. Just talking things over helps me a lot. Get peoples ideas to bounce off and see if you can make a plan. Oh and go walking, thats always a good thing to do.

Yakuzamonroe, we've seen any number of posts similar to yours. Can you talk to a counselor? I think it would be helpful. Also look for adult autism support groups in your area. You mention getting out more, I agree that it would be a good step, even if it isn't satisfying right away.

Don't give up hope. You may have to re-imagine your life plan, and that's okay. Mine didn't go the way I wanted, either, but I did find meaning and belonging.

I’m right there with you. I feel the pressure to be something. At this age, people expect you to be established and if you aren’t they want nothing to do with you- at least that’s my experience. Also, not having social skills makes it harder to network and get support. I understand. Stay positive. You are inherently lovable and worthy. I started going to ACA and It’s help a lot.

The idea that nobody wants anything to do with me at this age if not established ... that's kind of depressing. I had a moment today where I wish I wasn't on the spectrum at all ... that I hated myself for being this way ... that I have no ability to connect with people or to get a girlfriend or even get a good job.

That doesn't even make me feel like a loser: a loser will get noticed once in a while. It leaves me with a feeling like it wouldn't matter if I existed or not.

Ok, ignore what I said about. I was having a bit of a moment. I chatted with someone I care about what I was going through and now I'm ok.

Still struggling a bit ... but I'll deal.