How to interact with toddlers?

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My brother's girlfriend who's as good as his wife has a 3 year old daughter with whom I'm remarkably incompetent in interacting. I've had over half a year of sporadic visits to warm up to her and I really want to, she's wonderful and is easy mode in terms of children, but I can't. She's obviously scared of me just because she doesn't know what to think of me. Around company I usually stay silent, only speak when spoken to, and rely on everyone else to carry the conversation. You can't do that with kids. When we make eye contact I can't bring myself to smile so she just stares perplexed, and I'm sure I do the same. So I try to avoid eye contact with her. A 3 year old. Most of the time I can't even fathom what would be appropriate to do or say, and if I do it's long after. I've noticed that a lot of conversations between her and my mom, who is excellent with kids, are pointless observations, which are truly anathema to me. I've worn such a deep rut of internalizing all my pointless thoughts that it seems insurmountable to escape it.
I'm afraid of being criticized or mocked by other adults in how I interact with her. This fear is immobilizing. My brother (who is 7 years older) has matured an awful lot recently but growing up I learned to view him as bully who scrutinizes my every move and won't hesitate to make a scene at my expense, while still somehow maintaining his title as the chill one. And even though I tell my mom how impossible it is for me to talk to the toddler in question, she still expects more of me than I know how to give. Once they shoved her into my arms and all demanded that I give her a kiss, to which I responded, frazzled, "How?!" My mom expected me to automatically know the proper etiquette of greeting the kid every time I enter the room and was upset when I didn't. I ask for advice, but no one knows how to help me because it all comes naturally to them. I am a 21 year old female with a desire for my own children and no maternal instincts whatsoever.
During a Christmas gathering, twice I sat in close proximity with the kid, incidentally. 'Twas quite a raucous afternoon. She initiated first contact but I think I responded decently. This happened a few times. She showed me some of her new toys and I managed things like, "That's cool :-]" or, "What does that do? =^P" This could only happen because the chaos around us emboldened me; I knew no one was paying attention. This encouraged me temporarily, but it's like groundhog day. Hypothetically, it's possible that I might be better with her if we were alone, but this would be a disaster because I don't really know how to take care of a child, and she's already too scared of me. My behavior disgusts me and the clock is ticking to have a somewhat normal aunt-niece relationship. I'm getting to the point where I just want to withdraw as much as possible. Any advice or indication that I'm not the only human on Earth with this problem would be well appreciated.

She may just be nervous around you because she senses your discomfort. It sounds like you have already made some good attempts at building the relationship with her, so don't be too hard on yourself. I don't blame you for reacting poorly to having her shoved into your arms. Maybe let your family know that they should warn you and get your agreement before they do that so you are mentally prepared for it.

I don't have my own children, but I have a sister who is 14 years younger than me and I have spent a lot of time around my friends' kids. I wouldn't say that I'm super comfortable being on my own with them but I do like most children so I have developed a sort of mental list of things to do when I'm around them. As you mentioned, they generally react well to smiles. Maybe try smiling whenever you think about her so that you get your brain into that habit and it might become easier when you see her. Kids also react well to the kinds of questions you were asking her, so that is a good place to start. Many kids (though not all) will happily talk about themselves forever if given the opportunity. Think of a list of simple questions and phrases and take mental note of which ones she seems to respond well to. If she's not very verbal, she may prefer active play. Kids seem to like it when people get down on their level, so try crouching down or sitting on the floor with her while she is playing and follow her lead to see what she is interested in. She may respond well to you holding one of her toys and making it do a little dance (again, no guarantees that she will like that but it's a possibility), or if she likes coloring books, or even just scribbling with a pen, you can draw or color something with her and ask about what she's drawing. Kids vary a lot in their personalities and no one thing is guaranteed to get a good response, so sometimes you have to try a few different things before you figure out what helps you connect with them.

Many times infants will learn verbal communications around 6 months to a year before they learn to talk. So I skip baby talk and talk to them as if they were adults. And they understand.

I play with kids as if I was a kid, because even though I am old; deep inside I am still a young child at heart. It comes a lot more naturally than holding a discussion with an adult.

Because I am different than most adults, children are both scared of me but also curious. It is a good combination. So I act myself, a bit on the wild side - not prim and proper.

I ask them to show their toys and ask about the toys, like you did. Easy questions could be: "What other toys do you have?" "How do you play with that toy?" "What is the name of this doll/dog/figure?" "What is your favourite TV show?" (I know Paw Patrol, every kid seems to love that.) "Which books do you like?" Etc. And definitely go sit on the floor and play with them if you physically can. They usually tell you what to do! It's usually something totally insane and illogical and changes all the time but just pretend you get it and smile and you're doing OK.

I can see how it's said that often grandparents are better with grandkids than they were raising their own children. I had an extremely hard time understanding that our kids, when they were toddlers, didn't have logical minds. I thought their minds were logical but they'd just not learned as much or had not been exposed to as much as adults. As such, I couldn't understand and would often get frustrated with their motivations for doing or not doing things. I would often take their resistance personally as if they were battling wits with me.

I know realize a toddler's motivations are as simple as one would think they are.