Comparison as commiseration, "making it about me"?

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I recently had someone accuse me of making everything about myself. This completely mystified me because I actually focus very intensely on other people and work to be an active listener, be engaged, and understanding although I have been known to rant, rave, or monologue if certain topics come up (I'm pretty self aware and catch myself quickly most of the time). Someone finally explained it in a way that I understood. The way I have always commiserated with people was to share similar experiences when I talk with someone because that often leads to connection and understanding. It seems that this particular person was interpreting that as intended to make the conversation about me when that was farthest from my mind.

Now I am unsure if this is a common state of mind and I've just been really people completely wrong for years or if this was just some weird left field thing with this particular human. Can people help me translate what's going on here?

i sometimes feel like that about myself. but i dont know other way to relate to somebody, than pull out my own matching experience. how else? its what works on me myself, too. i know that person knows something about what i feel, on a deep personal level, everything they say get a new sense to it. a different level of trust and connection via relation. this is what i want to know, i am not alone, there are other people who had been thru simmilar brands of hell. i am not segretated from ther rest of sentient life. i understand some ppl have it differntly, they want to feel unique with their quite trivial experiences. "nobody can understand me, woe is me. and i dont really want to know what other people feel, so dont u get egoistic and telling me what i dont want to know" i honestly feel them like well, leeching on my basic problem of really not being understood most of the time. and i react violently if i cant catch it, tbh. i want somebody i can talk to without telling them my whole damn life story, and have my outer reactions understood and accepted. damaged personalities feel each other, ya. on a deeper level. sorry for doing exactly the thing described here, i dont know better xD

Same situation with me. I didn’t realize that it could be taken wrong until one time my husband called me out on it. A woman we know was talking about her fathers recent death and I said I understood because when my father died I felt the same. Apparently the “correct” way of dealing with it was to let her talk and not mention my own experience.

Sounds like a bit of gaslighting to me......

A few years ago there was a blog post by Lynne Soraya in Psychology Today mentioning this very topic of the differences between how autistic people and NT's tend to express empathy. She quotes a blog post by Ennien Ashbrook also dealing with this issue, among other common sources of confusion in interaction between autistic people and NT's.

yes, certain allistics behave like that. and ya, when people with definetely allistic brain emathise with me, they normally dont return stories, they return their understanding of what i had said. like "so u feel like..." thing. if they get it right, it really feels good. but receiving OUR way is also good. that person gets me. YEEEEEE. in any way.
now, i am about to write something biased and possibly wrong,
but it feels to me, that we AUs are more inclined to well, be forgiving and acceptive for difference, than general NT population. for sheer having felt more of rejection and un-acceptance, while most of them dont have that, so they fire it with reckless abandon. of cause, there allways are exeptions.
i am very ready to agree, that such behaviour is nothing to do with neurogoly, but only with personal take (as in, take. a person, who wants a 1-side talk, to put it mildly)

i just enjoy a connection when it occures, i know allistic-autistic connection can be real. depends on personalities, ya. after all i got that "dont take the spotlight" thing here, on wp once. so ya not totally allistic ^^ and that reaction does really kill motivation to emphasize. and self-esteem.

Oh, wow! It's both comforting and disturbing that it isn't just me. I mean how else do people interact? I watch people around me do it all the time. Maybe we just do it just enough out of sync or wrong that it upsets people? I've never had anyone else react like this person before though. Now I'm self-conscious about it.

i meet that, i blast that person away and do my best to make sure they cross my event horizon. they want attention, sure, not mine. though, i have close relatives like that, and that is a killer. literally.

I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think I might be on to something as to how to communicate with NTs better than I have in the past.

To recap my previous response to this great thread, I absolutely communicate with others by first trying to identify a common/shared experience with that person. "Cool! I've been there too.", "The same thing happened to me.", "I know what you mean, I had that problem before.", etc. In no way am I intending to "one up" the other person or usurp the conversation. In my mind, I'm showing them that I am listening to them and affirming that I understand what they're talking about or I understand that experience they've had. Since they brought up whatever it is in the first place, after my response indicating we have a common bond, I expect they will then expand on whatever it is they brought up and then I can comment on their comment. Back and forth, back and forth. Isn't that how communication is supposed to work? Apparently many NTs don't see it that way.

Here's an example of a conversation that is NT averse from my understanding:

NT: "Last month I went to Spain for vacation."
Me: "Cool, I've been to Spain. I was there about 15 years ago and loved it. How did you like it?"
NT: "It was great. I went to Barcelona, Madrid and Toledo."
Me: "That's awesome, I've been to all three of those cities as well. Which one did you like the best?"
NT: "That's a tough question. Probably Barcelona. I stayed at a nice hotel in the city."
Me: "I didn't stay in the city when I was there, I stayed in a hotel on the wharf. What kind of things did you in Spain?"

Apparently NTs can perceive the above as an attempt for me to point the conversation toward myself and away from them. I don't see it that way at all because I'm asking them questions about the topic they brought up. Give and take, back and forth.

HERE IS A POSSIBLE SOLUTION, AN ALTERNATIVE AND MORE NT FRIENDLY WAY TO COMMUNICATE?

NT: "Last month I went to Spain for vacation."
Me: "Spain is a wonderful place."
NT: "You've been there?"
Me: "Yes, about fifteen years ago. It was great."
NT: "Yes, it's nice."
Me: "What cities did you go to?"
NT: "Barcelona, Madrid and Toledo."
Me: "Very nice."

In the above example, none of my responses had the word "I" in them. I assume this alternative example would be more NT friendly?

I do see potential problems with the second example because if a conversation really played out that way, I would feel that I was withholding information if the NT person didn't ask me about it. I also see the second example as one who has less potential for a mutually beneficial conversation and also less thorough. If I never offered that I had also been to Barcelona, Madrid and Toledo, at a later date, if the topic came up again this could happen:

NT: "You never mentioned that you've been to Barcelona, Madrid or Toledo."
Me: (thinking: "You never asked me and apparently it's rude for me to tell you that outright so I kept my mouth shut.....")

What does anyone think about the possible more NT friendly example #2. Is that how you're "supposed" to do it?

Like various people have said in this thread, people (especially neurotypicals) are always looking for commonality from other people.

Sometimes, one just has to “bite the bullet,” and reinforced what a person is saying (e.g. about the Minnesota Vikings), instead of expressing disinterest. Plus. One has to not seem like they’re “biting the bullet.”

I don’t see why commiserating with a person with an illness by saying you’ve had it, too, makes you selfish. I’ve experienced this sort of thing with my wife—and it’s frustrating.

well the experiment itself is nice (and btw done by me in a variety). it works sometimes, it doesnt some other times. after all, NT are not all 1 single mold same as us, much depends on person). let us omit the multiplity of people, who want to talk AT u, and not TO u. they are just better on the other side of the street)

but generally, if u were not asked about something, then ya, dont give it out. u are not withholding it, no. let that feeling go. and if u ultimatly feel like building an "I" phrase, do that. constantly binding to NT and that general rule of not talking from ur personal perspective (that is my experience) gradually dulls ur perception of self. and turns out, there are perfectly NT people, who can get by the "I" and properly invest in conversation with u. and like it. i feel it, when they keep cueing me for more)

so this brings us to, whats the middle ground? simple. let them start it. answer their questions, keeping to facts if they asked for facts. or if u start it, ask them about themself. then they answer and ask u about u, in turn (if they arent a self centered as*hole ofc ^^ if they are, u will see it and be able to get out of that toxic muck before getting too much of it), and then u be able to talk from "I" perspective and it will be NT-legit, because they had just done that) autistic manipulation is so autistic (and manipulative)

then next moment, nt can keep the conversation going, asking u questions, then u answer. (and dont forget to ask them back) but if they didnt respond, or responded very shortly, then let it drop). it is often hard to prioritize which information to pass, and what is extra in this conversation. generally tell them what they asked and see if they add questions)))

and ya why didnt i write it earlier? some parts i did, somewhere, in anothre thread, with another focus. but generally, because see above - everything i have to say, is generally too much, so i try to stay in boundaries of a question asked (or theory offered by another member), so that i dont just overflood the topic with walls of text (still do that, bad bad aspergerian xD) so ya there is query, there is answer. such is a way)

Magna: if the NT thought you were veering the conversation "towards yourself," the NT was paranoid, as far as I'm concerned. Or they're trying to do a power thing on you or something.

You were expressing common experience. "Common experience" is what most NT's seek out in another person. You were conveying your experiences in Spain, and asking about the other person's experience.

That's the way most people would see it, from my experience.

Only those who seek to play psychological games with you would think otherwise.

Kortie:

The only way I feel I can communicate with others or have "empathy" with them is if I can identify their experience to my own. If I have no experience with what they're talking about, it's pretty much a "flat line" from me.

If I had never been to Spain and someone told me they'd vacationed there recently I could ask them how they liked it, etc, but having no personal experience with it, it would be hard for me to further a conversation on that topic along.

This will probably sound like I'd be acting totally fake, but similarly I've found that NTs generally respond positively to a very obvious and deliberate empathetic non-verbal response to a painful experience rather than the "flat line".

Please humor me for another example:

If someone were to say that they passed a large kidney stone last week, they would like it best if I made a "tsk" type sound with my mouth while simultaneously making a dramatic and unmistakable, even "over the top" facial grimace/wince while saying: "Oh, wow, that must have been awful!".

I've never passed a kidney stone so I've never experienced the pain involved. I've read that it's excruciatingly painful, but compared to what? More painful than childbirth? I'll never know that pain either, so that's a useless reference to me. Certainly I can understand that passing a kidney stone must be painful because people say it is. But again, I have no idea how painful. And, if someone were to tell me such a thing, I can't instantly process such a statement and form an instant opinion on how I really feel on the subject of a pain I've never experienced.

In the above example, if I were to make such an empathetic face, it would be purely for the other person's benefit in that moment. I would largely be pretending to feel that way. It would feel fake to me. But I understand that face to face communication often requires immediate responses which facial expressions can be good for.

In contrast though, if I had experienced that same painful experience (e.g. badly broken finger), any facial grimace in empathy would be totally genuine on my part. I've experienced the pain they're talking about so I understand it.....