He constantly makes stupid decisions...

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Hi everyone,

I have a question about friendship.

There is a friend of mine who is nice and treats me well but there is one thing I can't stand about him: He constantly makes terrible decisions. He is the type of person who is self a self-defeatist and self saboteur. An example is how he's had several job offers in the last few months but finds a million excuses why he shouldn't take them. He's living with roommates and not paying rent. He has health issues and doesn't even try to do anything that's remotely uncomfortable. I have many chronic health issues which make it painful even to just sit here and I'm also losing my sight, but I still do my best, do what I can at my job, and don't expect others to carry me through life. He doesn't even try to keep a regular sleep schedule and just does things when he "feels like it." He eats terrible food and is self indulgent with pity. He's constantly whining about how some minor thing ruined his day.

When I say that I can't do something, I honestly know that I can't and humbly ask for help. He seems to have a sense of entitlement and wants to be babied for the rest of his life. He's not as strong as me; I get that and understand that people have varying degrees of strength. The problem is that he SAYS he's independent and works hard, etc. etc. which is all untrue.

I just can't respect him. Am I a terrible person for not being more understanding? I often want to break my friendship with him. I have a hard time respecting people who have a sense of entitlement. It's a completely different thing than knowing your limitations and asking for help. Especially when they constantly make terrible decisions that make their lives even more difficult.

Maybe I am just tired of a person who is constantly negative.

That IS annoying to be around someone like that.

If you do decide to keep this friendship.... maybe you can just disengage yourself from his personal problems. They are not your problems. You don't have to deal with them.

If he has some qualities you do enjoy... such as being friendly to you.... you can continue doing whatever is fun for both of you. If he starts whining or bringing up his problems, or Woe-Is-Me stuff.... tell him you're sorry and hope things get better. Then refuse to discuss his personal problems, till he realizes you're only going to tell him you hope things get better for him. Don't offer advice nor sympathy.

If he continues to moan and complain, tell him you need to go but you'd love to get together when he's feeling better. He will either go find another stooge to moan and complain to, or he'll learn not to complain to you.

That person sounds like he's stuck in a bad loop and can't get out long enough to know he's been in it. Sounds like he needs some kind of waker-upper event or someone to kick his ass in the morning because maybe he's going it more alone than it looks.

I'm old now and have spent almost a lifetime trying to be friends with and/or help people like you are describing. After fifty years of this, I see that they rarely, if ever, change, and I now no longer feel the need to help. I spot this type of person a mile away, and avoid them whenever possible. Time is too short for people who will drag you down. Everyone needs to be around people who will lift you up, or at least make you feel good about life.

I agree with everything that's been said. He seems to think that friends are dumping ground for bad emotion. A few days ago, he said that he tries to be happy and positive with everyone else, but then talks about problems with friends. I couldn't even talk for a few seconds because that seemed so wrong. Yes, we should be able to confide in our friends, but that's completely different! Aren't we supposed to also encourage each other? I don't want to be around someone who doesn't want to share good times - just the bad. He sounds like a "misery loves company" type, and even though he's been kind to me, I don't know if I can continue this friendship.

i have never been able to attract confident, smart, intellectual friends.
Its always been loosers who keep cribbing, badmouthing and frustrated people
that i get associated with.

I had a good smart friend but she wouldnt interact much with me

I need to change myself also inorder to attract positive people
I think you should keep less in touch with this friend of yours
but dont cut him off
And never marry him

A friend of mine once lamented about someone in her life with whom she was losing patience. She wanted to see herself as a good friend, but at the same time this person was driving her up the wall. She wanted to say good riddance, but felt guilty about it. Ultimately, she decided pretty much the same thing that schleppenheimer mentions above. You have to decide what kind of people you want in your life and decide to distance yourself from those you don't want. I understand that it's not always easy to make that kind of decision. The problem is that you guilt yourself into feeling bad for ignoring the person more and more - for not "being a good friend" who will stand by the person. It's double worse if the other person tries to guilt you into such feelings, or if other people in your life notice and try to make you feel bad for shunning the individual. If you decide to make that kind of decision, you have to stick by your decision and not guilt yourself (or let another person guilt you) into thinking you've made a bad decision. If you really do feel guilty over such a decision, then you may need to look at yourself more closely, and really decide what kind of person you want to be. There's a difference between being a good person and being an emotional doormat for another person, and you have to find your own place on that line.