They are tired of having me over during the holidays

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For the past 7 years, I had been going over to the household that belongs to my friend's parents where my friend currently lives. Like me, my friend is on the spectrum too. While they have said "Yes," to me being there with all smiles and hospitality, I have pretty much read between the lines that they don't really like me. They are also getting fed up with me going over there.

Hint examples
1. When I rang the doorbell, my friend's mom, who was hosting the dinner, she refused to open the door. Instead, she acknowledged me standing there and gave me the "1 sec," hand gesture before getting my friend to open the door.
2. Whenever I talk to those family members, everything is about them. Yet, if I mention anything it's "Well that's cool."
3. They never give me any hugs and they aren't excited to see me. For example, I walked into the house my friend's mom said "Hi," but was not overjoyed to see me.
4. Her youngest sisters interact with me when she has to and then hides from me

However, I don't understand why they say "Yes" to me being over there and when they aren't really they really don't want me there to begin with.

Can anyone explain this?

I take it they used to be more demonstrative? They used to hug you?
Positive spin - you moved from guest status to family status (no special treatment)
Negative spin - you're on your own as you said

Usually reality is in between? (I'm told.)

My BFF is family now and no longer gets special treatment --- I love her dearly and my family better be at least respectful by extension.

Sorry it was uncomfortable for you.

I wouldn't say they have ever been like a family to me and especially with her mother and youngest sister. Rather, everything feels like an obligation whenever I get together with my friend in situations where her family is involved. Other than her father and two of her sisters, who are nice, most of them are pretentious.
1. What education they are getting
2. How pretty they look and dress
3. What careers they have
4. They seem to date the prettiest people and a few of them happen to be dating professional soccer players

Yet, I happen to be doing very well for myself and yet that doesn't matter to them. It's "Oh that's cool," with really fake smiles. They also seem to look at me like I am lesser than they are because I have a disability. They just aren't supportive of me at all.

As far as the BFF thing goes, I wouldn't say that my friend and I are in the circle but I would say we do things together whenever there are group things or get-togethers. We don't really talk on the phone but sometimes we text each other and occassionally and go an hang out at a mall. We have really just seen each other at Thanksgiving because it's the "Thing to do."


Am I sad about this? Yes but I think I will be better off not going somewhere where I am not going to be unwanted while they put on a mask and be nice to my face while really bashing me behind my back. I deserve better than that and really my relationship is with my friend and not her family.

Got it. That seems clear. It's weird: I am in a work situation where I am "unwanted". But really I want to be doing a certain thing, they are not supportive so in that way **I** don't want them, but I still feel "unwanted". In fact recently they reminded me they very much want me --- sure, they want me as long as I meet their criteria. No, thank you.

Here is another example- I usually have stayed there later. However, I was there last Christmas and so were some family friends of their’s. After dinner l, my friend’s mom gave the hint that she did not want me there by telling me that their friends were leaving and willing to take me to the nearest transit station.

When I saw her next time she apologized for making me leave early but that one of their friends were “Tired,” which was was an excuse. I did not pick up on it until I saw the way she treated me this time.

Again though, I am tired of people pretending to like or love me when they really don’t care about me at all. . However, this world is full of fake people.

Friendly teasing: hey, now, fellow B&W thinker. It's not that they don't care at all.

I'm there with you.

Thanks, I am pretty much over how they feel about me now and I was able to make some other plans that don't involve them for Christmas and to be honest, I am sick of going there myself. For one thing, it's too much a hassle to go up there. They don't live in public transit so I would either have to rely on one of them picking me up or I would have to arrange some other forms of transportation. I am also fed up with her mom being condescending as assuming I am a total idiot. I actually dreaded going up there months ago because I don't want to get to a point where they push my buttons enough to provoke me.

What I don't understand though, they continue to tell me that "I am welcome to come" when they don't want me there in the first place. Also, why can't they be upfront with me.

Glad you are over it and have better plans.

It seems to me that NTs protect themselves and others (NT) with social "niceties", which one book I am reading suggests is "rude" (if standards were reversed AS-NT).

I'm amazed at the lies my NT husband tells himself (and me), so he can feel better. Thing is, he has a LOT less anxiety, so it works in that way, as long as he doesn't mind being DELISIONAL (and my anxiety is minimally raised).

My ASD assessor said: "You have high standards. For yourself and others."

His tone was factual, but of course the adjective gives away the cultural norm. How about I have reasonable standards?

Wishing you well in find authentic, caring, trustworthy friends and associates.

Thank you so much, I figured out that this relationship has never been that close, to begin with. Rather, the relationship has been mutual. Now, I bet it would be different if I was close with my friend and her family which I think is a pretty big chunk of it. The other part is that her family and I have different views on individuals having autism. They tend to see us in broken lights who are stupid whereas I see myself and my friend as the same able-bodied who are her family. On the contrary, I do plan on keeping her as a friend and just do things with her when it's in a group-type setting while avoiding her family at all costs.

I am glad you are clear and have a happy way forward!

If she happens to have a birthday at her parent's house or anything, I think I will make a habit of not going and instead, agreeing to meet her one-on-one at a restaurant or some other activity where her parents can drop her off. Then we can celebrate her birthday as other adults do. However, if she she invites my other friends to do something without her parents then I will go. Then afterwards, I make my own transportation arrangements. As for her family, I will probably see them but I will say hi with as limited contact as possible.