Dealing With Good People

Post Reply New Topic

I sometimes have distressing reactions to really good people or to kindness more generally.

1. Jealousy: That person is a good person, and I want to be like them but am not, why?

2. Fear: I'm going to inadvertently hurt this person; this person will get hurt and it will be unfair; I can't be as kind to this person as they deserve and will be in debt; this person will hate me and they will be right and I will not be able to object because they are better than me; this person would hate me if they knew me because they are better than me; I am going to be punished horribly in some way (through magic?) for inadvertently hurting this person or breaking some rule I don't understand.

3. Self-loathing: Every aspect of me is wrong; how do I talk to or interact with this person when they are so much better than me? Especially if I have to disagree with them or ask them for something.

4. Confusion: I don't know how to respond. How do they know these things? What do they want from me? I'm not going to respond right.

5. Suspicion: The kindness is a lie; the kindness is just because the person is scared of me; the kindness is just because the person is favoring me, and I must have done something wrong to get them to do that; the kindness is just because the person thinks in stupid or pathetic and doesn't want to deal with me; the kindness is part of a magic conspiracy. If someone does something kind- such as a "white lie"- and I dislike it, can I express that I dislike it, and how do I express it and what is wrong with me?

This has been an ongoing problem. Does anyone have any insight or any strategies that might help me to deal with this better? Anything you can throw out there?

Nobody is perfect

There is no such thing as perfection

Not everyone is as "good" as they appear to be

"Good people" is an oversimplification at best

Vague, subjective, judgmental

Everyone has a different situation. Sometimes you can become like someone by doing what they do. Sometimes that is not happening

Anything could "hurt" anyone.

Everything either:

"Helps"
"Hurts"
Both
Neither



Everyone "hurts" people


You don't know what will "hurt" someone

Thank you. That is helpful and it is good to get a reply.

"Everyone has a different situation. Sometimes you can become like someone by doing what they do. Sometimes that is not happening."

If someone is truly kind, you owe them absolutely nothing in return because it was an act of kindness. The act in of itself was the reward. If someone had ulterior motives, they may react unfavorably if that act of "kindness" was poorly received. An exception could be if you were actively hostile towards someone without a perceived justifiable reason to behave in such a way. That all being said, humans like to be acknowledged, and appreciated so if they perceive you as being ungrateful you could rub them the wrong way.

Thank you! All that fits together well and seems useful to remember.

You're welcome, misunderstanding and misinterpretation on both sides is bound to happen when theory of mind is taken into consideration.

blackicmenace, that is very true. I should print more wise things out so I can keep them in mind more of the time. I like your icon!