Seeming "Arrogant"

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When I try to speak in a way that is polite and confident, I find that some people seem to interpret me as being "arrogant", "a suck up", "condescending", "bossy", or "thinking I am better than them". I think this is because, while I may speak in a cheerful way and say "thank you very much", the way I talk may still sound stilted and abrupt, especially if I am anxious, feel hurried, or am trying to end a conversation quickly. Even if I say, "Can I have some eggs please?" to someone serving eggs, it may sound like a command when said quickly by someone anxious wanting the conversation to be over.

Do you all know of anything specific I can do to contradict these perceptions of "arrogant", "a suck up", "condescending", "bossy", or "thinking I am better than people"?

I think "say more positive or friendly things", "say more random or 'making conversation' things," "ask people how they are doing more".

I think you're right!

You'll be OK. I got told the same stuff. It can take us Aspies a little time...we are not always as advanced emotionally as we are intellectually (or vice versa sometimes) so we need to practice and develop our skills. They're social skills, which means they can be learnt.

Thank you very much, Borromeo!
I like how your list of interests says both "silence" and "science"! You seem to be interested in an impressive variety of things!

LOL, I forgot I even had a list of interests.

If you want to chat about this we can use the PM system. I have gotten the "you seem arrogant!" before, and also have the very useful experience of having been an arrogant jerk, so perhaps (with a bit more arrogance) I self-appoint as the Dictator of Dickishness.

All joking aside, you seem like a very polite and smart person. Here is another possibility. Does your voice sound funny to some people? I get asked even by my own parents why I am "using that voice." It's easy for us Aspies to work almost like a human See N' Say--we turn to a certain topic and it selects in our brain a certain response. Sometimes it seems like the tape loop on an old answering machine. Our voices are part of how we present to the rest of the world, of course, but it can be easy for us to forget it. In the words of the old song, we tend to "Let the Rest of the World Go By."

People IRL label me as 'arrogant' only when I am being factual. In other words, I may only be doing my best Mr. Spock impression, but others will see it only as condescending and arrogant.

I have been called arrogant many times although to this day I fail to see how pointing out verifiable facts is arrogance.

People don't like to hear that they are wrong. I don't like to waste my time arguing, so these days it works better for me if I only say something once.

Yes, OP, ntypes misinterpret us so frequently that it is a daily experience for many of us, perhaps all of us. They too lack the ability/knowledge/"theory of mind" (the latter a which is term I dislike using whoever it is thrown at) and the inclination to learn how their own deficits and lack of knowledge get projected onto AS people in stigmatising ways.

A sad fact of AS daily life. This is why support forums like WP - especially WP - are so important and worth fighting for. It isn't easy being an AS person in this surrounding majority culture of ignorance.

Yes, that has happened to me too. And still does. Getting the words right isn't enough. NTs want it said in a certain tone of voice that assures them you mean it...when you say please or thank you or I'm sorry.

So if you (editorially) say the words, but without eye contact, hurriedly because you are nervous and in a low voice, all these things tell NTs that you don't mean it.

Within certain contexts, I have learned how to do it and can be genuine about it because after many, many years, I have learned to do it. But it comes at a cost, is exhausting and requires a lot of rest afterwards. Each of us has to learn how much we can tolerate and whether or not it is worth it to us to expend energy in this manner.

For me, I expend that energy for the benefit of my team and my clients, and a very few close family and even fewer friends.

That's a problem I have, too - whatever I say, people seem to take it the wrong way - I suppose because the tone, the facial expression, the eye contact, the body language and the timing probably aren't all exactly perfect. (And how the heck anyone is able to do all of that stuff all at once, I haven't a clue!) But not saying anything also makes people think badly of me, I'm told.

Since I'm a very introverted, quiet person who can't think of much to say anyway, the best solution I've found is to just ask the other person questions. Getting people talking about themselves usually seems to make them happy.

My AS spouse use to come across as being arrogant. NT people would say she acted like she had some special knowledge that no one else had and that discussions with her was like being on the HS debate team.

I always say there is a fine line between self confidence and arrogance. She has toned her opinionated way down a little and she does a lot better in conversations with NT now.

I want 2020 to be as peaceful for me as possible, so my NY resolution is not to get lured into disagreement with anyone in real life. If they say something I would normally be triggered by I'll change to an innocuous topic asap or just smile and say "I am still thinking about my view of that".

I was recently reminded that assuming the literal meaning of a question (and answering it accordingly) is misconstrued by many as arrogance.

If they wanted me to answer a different question, why didn't they ask the question they wanted answered?

HE: "How many were there?"
ME: "Twenty-seven."
HE: "Don't be a smartass! Tell me who they were!"

The proper use of grammar can make one seem arrogant. “It is I” versus “it is me” type of stuff.

I think that we can get very knowledgeable about specific things due to our special interests which can make us seem like “know it alls.”

To avoid this tendency, I stress that a specific area I’m knowledgeable in is something that’s of particular interest to me, so I’m not necessarily “brainy.” I just know a lot about a topic because I’m fascinated by it.

I don’t worry about this as much when I’m talking with people online. In person, most people don’t think that I’m that smart because I’m so quiet. Instead of outright telling someone that they’re wrong (when they absolutely are), I use indefinite qualifiers that make me seem uncertain when I’m not. I probably should work on being more firm. I remember reading a study in which it demonstrated that women are more likely to use indefinite qualifiers than men are in research papers. Hmmm...

These days I don’t worry too much about what my family thinks. They think I’m smart in some ways although they don’t put much value on mainstream knowledge or education.

I need to work on stating my opinions more. I’m so close-lipped about my opinions that people have trouble getting to know me, and it’s hard to form friendships.

There has to be a happy medium somewhere.