An example of fair weathered friends?

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As I have talked about before, I used to be friends with this one couple who I used to go to synagogue with. Things seemed to be good while I attended that synagogue. Then when things didn't work out for me to be at that synagogue, they invited me over one more time where the husband seemed like he was fed up with me. After, they seemed to ghost me after that.

Are these fair-weathered friends? If not then what are fair-weathered friends?

A fair-weather friend is someone who (1) only associates with you when they have nothing better to do; (2) may only stick around in exciting situations, but when times are somewhat boring, leave your side; (3) may only stick around when economic times are good for you, but who ignores or 'ghosts' you when you fall on hard economic times; or (4) may only stick around while you are happy and well, but who ignores or 'ghosts' you when you are unhappy or sick.

Thanks, Fnord, what kind of friendship would you call the one I had this with the couple where things were good as long as I stayed at that last synagogue and then disappeared after things didn't work out anymore?

i'm sorry that you're feeling abandoned/ignored by your friends. i hope things improve.

my friend just dropped out of my life and never even told me she had a daughter, etc, though she told the other friends.
this was RIGHT after i disclosed ASD, before that she still kept in touch and visited me and caught up at least ocne a year, emailed once in a blue moon...the last time i met her, she was so nice, took time to discuss things, let me know about her miscarriages and how she wants to have a baby.

yet when she was pregnant or even after having the child, she didn't let me know??

i don't know whether with your friends, they were fed up with you (if they were, as you suspect) because they didn't understand you, or found you annoying, or what.

i can't tell the reason...but i can tell you that there is a huge stigma and lack of understanding with ASD --

and people don't take the time to truly understand and accept eACH other in general, let alone with ASD--
in modern society---
so that's why they are more and more about 'fitting in' (even if they say they aren't), as it's quicker and easier.

why?

because the world is rushing more and more, everything is in haste and that isn't conducive to decent healthy growth of human relationships. 'my way or the highway' etc.
i was reading about it in a book called the Ruthless Elimination of Hurry (good read, you may feel because it is Christian-oriented it will be pushy and irrelevant in its approach but....am not Christian and find it worth reading for anyone).
so yeah. that's all i can think of .

It is sad. I understand that not everyone understands. Ok. I understand that few people understand, and that is fair enough. One can't expect everyone to understand. But to decide not to be friendly to someone who has been friends for a long time makes one realize that they may have not been friends at all?
To me friends are those who give you a welcome regardless of the circumstance they are in or that you are in.
I understand if they ave other things going on or if they have faceblindness too.

i was trying to think about it and also realized that maybe what we (me as the reference, so it may not apply to the poster who originally began this) , think someone is 'friends' or it's a friendship, where really it's people just being nice and helpful because it's in their nature to be like that.
so they aren't really friends with you, in their mind, they might feel affection for you but they see you more as someone who needs help getting by and take it upon themselves to include you, and stuff

so maybe the friend i mentioned above felt like that too then having the kid etc of course she wouldnt tell me because she didnt even register me as a friend, just someone she felt sorry for who she felt needed her help in school

There could be some other explanation. Maybe they were angry for some other reason.

Those people should be ashamed of themselves.

Sorry you have had that experience.

@Dorkynerd, thanks. I am feeling better now but I wished they would have contacted me and told me "Hey, this isn't working out, and here's why?" Instead, they didn't really give me a reason.

My experiences

1. This falls into dating but also under making friends too - I knew a man on the spectrum who was incredibly bright and got this idea that I was an ultra geek like him. When he found out that I didn't talk about things like dark matter and deep equations, he abandoned me. After that only contacted me when I had something to offer him and only then was he truly interested in me. When things were bad for me, he never showed any concern or empathy period. Yet if it were him, he would come to me looking for sympathy.

2. I met another woman through an autism center who appeared to have a similar personality to mine who was misdiagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. During those days, she had time for other Aspies. When she got re-diagnosed with something else, suddenly our friendships were a joke to her and everything and everyone else was more important.

That sucks.
Also where the other person mentioned someone shutting them out after they mentioned their own struggles.\\\

Someone told me recently , not to look for explanations, as most likely, their reason will not justify their behaviour/attitude. It won't fix the hurt feelings.
Instead, finding an explanation for them,
will most likely thrust you deeper into worry/anger/frustration/confusion....it's a vicious cycle.

I guess the 'bad apples' drift easily to those who aren't the highest beings on the social ladder (despite being very caring, genuine etc(....\\
They aren't there except for convenience, if they find a reason to leave, they do?

I never really had people desert me because I disclosed to them that I am an aspie really. Rather, I have cases where people treat me like I am a normal human being until they find out. Then they start making generalizations about me and tolerate me but never truly get to know me as a person. They also tend to think they can talk down to me.

In terms of other fair-weathered friends, I had a couple of women associate with me as long as they were single and lonely. It was only when they met their significant other that their true colors came out.

Summer Twilight i feel/felt similarly about friends/family of mine. It is hard for people to remember a person unless they form an active part of their life, they see them daily regardless (e.g. at work, parties etc).
When people contact me again after a long time of not, I feel quite resentful and angry now as I think, 'Go away, you never checked on me, though I cared enough to do the same for you! And I needed you then, a simple check in and meet up even, was extremely important!'

So it's hard to reconcile. The only way I can is to tell myself that they can't help being like that ('out of sight, out of mind') and don't realize the damage it does (or that they could have prevented me from getting damaged simply by being somewhat involved in my life/caring and being there/including me, once in a while at least).

I wonder whether explicitly saying this, to remind them, would make a difference?

I haven't tried to, except with my brother (and to his credit, he almost never ignores me, always responds, etc).

Relevant: my brother (Severe OCD, moderate ASD, v kind), this same one - he was recently contacted randomly by a friend (who i think displays very clear signs of mild to moderate ASD too)
Friend said something like 'you never talk to me' and my brother didn't realize, but this guy had dropped out of his life because he had a severe disease, and was undergoing surgery, etc.

And he wasn't contacting my brother- my brother, who struggles to handle basic life tasks, thought he was 'wanting privacy' and didn't contact him, thinking the same.

In actuality that person, he wanted my brother to show initiative and contact him and meet up and check on HIM but my brother couldn't read his mind, and misread his lack of contact thinking 'i don't want to bother him' , even thinking maybe he moved out of the country!

Now my brother makes space for this guy straight away, to meet him.

However the guy himself is a bit moody (understandable, esp being cooped up in hospital) where he will suddenly be like 'aren't you going to come by?' with no notice ahead of time. My brother drops everything and rushes through his daily schedule to meet this guy, as he doesn't want to make the guy feel [i]unwanted/ignored[/i] again.


I told my brother, make sure you explicitly tell this boy: I have a tough time managing my life and busy, please let me know when you are free in advance, so I can make time to get together, etc. I cant read your mind but I want to be a good friend!

So this may be a similar thought process for people in our lives.