Have a new HFA friend with jealousy issues - help!

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Hi there,
I haven't posted in yearrrss but I remembered this forum as being super amazing. I am not on the spectrum, but my husband is and several friends are as well. I have a general understanding and respect for those on the spectrum, but I'm really struggling in a new friendship I've acquired.

At my job (small cafe with a family environment), we hired a new girl who I actually knew from church but hadn't ever gotten close to. While working with her in that environment, we sort of connected and started talking in messenger a lot. That progressed to hanging out more, going places, and doing things together. All of which I'm fine with. I found out from her that she has HFA and was just diagnosed last year - very sheltered, homeschooled and they just thought she was quirky and rebellious or something due to her meltdowns. That didn't bother me and I had no problem continuing the friendship, though she warned me it might not be smart. I think our friendship started to get closer around April of this year.

The trouble now is that she has a crazy strong jealousy issue. To the point that if she sees me giving any attention or affection to anyone else (even my dad who I'm emotionally closest to, or my husband), she will get literally very angry and become unresponsive. I love this kid like a sister and I love being with her. But I don't do well with being smothered or having her angry with me all the time. I have a life outside of her. But she told me she can't handle that I like other people.

She is aware of the problem and hates that she is like that. I have tried to talk with her about it some, but she is pretty adamant that she can't change, because she says that she literally can't understand how people can have multiple friendships. She also wants the relationship to be PERFECT, meaning zero conflict. Conflict stresses her out to the point she just shuts down and has panic attacks. So when there is even the least bit of negativity (like if I try to set boundaries or even if I am reassuring her), she just says "it's not worth it" and "never mind" and then shuts down.

I fear for when I go to visit my family, or when I visit my other friends because I'll have to deal with backlash from her. She is a wonderful, wonderful person who does not want to hurt anyone. When she realizes that I'm hurt, she'll feel sorry and feel really bad. But she just struggles so much.

Because they didn't know she was on the spectrum until a year ago, she has never had any appropriate therapies or anything to help. Now that she is 19, it is hard for her to know what she should be doing. She takes everything extremely literally and will do just about anything anyone tells her to do, if it makes them happy. Except she can't deal with the jealousy issues. Or talking about negative stuff.

How can I help her? How can I set appropriate boundaries, without making her feel rejected?

Thankfully I don't work around her much as I work after the cafe closes and she works during the open hours. But she gets upset at me if my schedule changes on the days that I do work while we're open, so let's say I come in at 10 instead of 9, she will get furious. She also gets jealous of other coworkers if they get appreciated for what they're doing.

Is there anything I can do to help her understand relationships/friendships better?

Have you tried to help her make other friends? For example, have you tried accompanying her to Meetup groups devoted to things she's interested in?

Regarding her inability to handle conflict, perhaps she (and you) might find the following tutorial helpful?

How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive (podcast & transcript)

See also the tutorials listed here on how to respond gracefully to criticism.

Speaking from my own experience being unreasonably jealous, the root cause may be loneliness - fear of being alone. Helping her expand her circle of friends should help her.

Hi:

You said that she lived a very sheltered life and was homeschooled and perhaps didn't meet any friends. She is probably just putting all her eggs into one basket because, in her mind, you pay attention to her. It also sounds like she was not taught any social skills or how to make friends. Since you are her friend, it might be good for you to find her an adult support group for people with autism and especially women because these are people she is going to likely relate to. At the same time, you can't be her caregiver 24/7 which is what she wants it sounds like.

As for trying new things, you need to stretch her by exposing her to new things because those new interests could turn into a career. Also, you should be empowering her by having your other co-workers do something together like going out to eat or going to a movie. However, they treat her like an adult.

Finally, I think talking to a good counselor may help her too.

I second everything said. I also want to say that her feelings aren't your responsibility, your boundaries are your responsibility. I would suggest you communicate very very clearly, it may be harder in the moment but in the whole will be easier for everyone- "I like you a lot but I can't talk to you until you calm down" "I like you and I'm sorry you feel that way but it's not my problem"- maybe if she's shutting down suggest having the conversation at a different time or through messages.

This is what I would want in her place, but I, of course, am not her.

I hadn't responded when it was first posted, probably because I didn't have a good answer. I don't know how to answer the jealousy part. But I dug deep back into my past and there is a way to help her if you are so inclined.

When I was in high school I had a friend. We were probably both Aspies. I was shy and so was my friend, but when you put 2 Aspies together, something magical can happen, they can open up the world with adventures. They become brave and try all sorts of new things, new experiences that they never did before.

So since your friend leads a pretty sheltered life, you might open up the world for her. Find out things she had never done before and do them with her.
Has she ever been to see a science fiction film, or seen a mystery, or a horror film, or a love story?
Has she ever been to a play?
Has she ever gone to a concert?
Has she ever rode a roller coaster?
Has she ever done a "locked up - escape room experience"?
Has she ever participated in a paintball war game?
Has she ever attended a book club meeting?
Has she ever gone roller skating?

There are a thousand things that she probably has never done and you can open the world up to her. Come up with a bucket lists. After the first few experiences, bring your husband or other friends alone.

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with friends like this, they may not take "No" for an answer and you may not be able to reason with them.

One example:

I used to have a friend who also had an extremely sheltered life because of all her mom saw were my friend's disabilities and how "Vulnerable" she was rather than explaining boundaries to her and yes she is on the spectrum with more challenges than I have. So she has been allowed to get away with things that are inappropriate next to her parents giving her all the attention. She also lives out the way in the boondocks with her parents with no transportation or anything.

When we were friends, I found her to be a very sweet and loving person but she developed a preoccupied attachment style. She would call me up and text me accessively and also would get very jealous if I was spending time with my other friends. I had tried to set boundaries with her many times and I had asked her to stop calling me so many times while attempting to explain how much I loved her and valued the friendship. However, she would not listen.

Either way, give it a go.

I had a childhood friend who was like this but much lower functioning. Its better to keep your relations separate or to just cut ties.

The friend I wrote about appeared to be that way too but my late aunt and both felt that if her parents were not so overly protective, that would have made a difference.