Are those really "small details"?!

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A lot of NT-s tell me that I am dwelling into small details and missing the big picture. But from my perspective those "details" are not details at all -- they are putdowns -- which is precisely why I dwell on them. While this statement is true for a lot of NT-s, with my mom it is a lot more blatant than with others. So let me give you two exampels that come from interaction with my mom where she put me in a bad light because she mis-remembered something I said or did, and when I correct her memory she says she "doesn't have energy to dwell on the details" -- never mind the fact that those "details" put me into bad light. Here are the examples:

Example 1: I complain to my mom a lot both about not having friends and about not having significant other. As far as "friendship" part of discussion with her, she was saying "yes you have friends" -- and then went on to list some of *her* friends. So I told her "this doesn't count" -- and the reason I said this is because any of her friends would be my friends by default, so it does not reflect my own social skills. She was the one who made those friends, not me, they are her age group, not mine, etc. But here is the thing: when I said "they don't count" I said it to her -- not to them -- and they weren't there to hear it. But my mom mis-remembered it as if I said it to them. And it was quite surprising actually. The way it came up with was like this. So this December it was my birthday, and my mom told me "you might and might not be getting some phone calls about your birthday; now, in case you get some phone calls, there is something you did last year that you should avoid", so I said "what was it" and she said "when one of my friends called you, you told them that they don't count" I asked "who was it" she said "I don't remember". But in any case, she told me that this year she didn't tell any of her friends about my birthday so that I wouldn't repeat that again. So then I pointed it out to her that I told it to her and not to her friends. Now, do I think she knows she made it up? No, I don't think so. I think her memory is bad and she fills in the blanks based on what she *expects* me to say or do. She has an opinion of me that I always say exactly what I think (which is a common aspie trait). So she *decided* that if I said it to her I must have said it to her friends -- and since her memory isn't perfect, she then filled up the gaps with whatever she *decided* I must have said. So I confronted her on this and actually ask her "do you remember me saying it, or did you simply decide that I said it". She actually wasn't sure. But, apart from not being sure, she said its not important since its a small detail But how is it a small detail if it makes a HUGE difference between me being naive and me being super-duper-hyper-naive?! I then said to her "of course it matters: that was the reason why you didn't tell them about my birthday". But then she said that the reason she didn't tell them about my birthday is simply because she was busy with wrapping up a semester with the class she was teaching. So then I said "no its not about you being busy, it is about the fact that you thought I told your friends they aren't important -- and you were the one who told me that". But then she said she didn't express herself properly. Well, how is it possible "not to express oneself properly" in such a way that the statement "I was busy" would sound like "you told my friends they didn't count" -- especially since I was as surprised to hear it as I was. Then she also said that it doesn't really matter if she tells them whether I have birthday or not since some people whom she didn't tell, remembered it anyway Well, first of all, I got *zero* happy birthday calls -- the one friend she mentioned called her not me -- and, secondly, even if they did call me, this wouldn't negate this horrible assumption she made about me. Yet she said that very first thing she told me was "just a detail" that doesn't really matter.

Example 2 Both me and my mom are really bad with computers so my mom had a friend that helped her set up the computer and connect it to the printer. Her printer is kinda on and off, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and I am used to it. In the past she used to say she didn't want me to print too many pages since she doesn't have enough cattridge, so I used to go to the paid places to do my printing. But, more recently, she said she wanted me to print at her place, so I did. In any case, in the past the printer used to be connected to the computer by the wire, but now there is a wireless connection -- which I find quite surprising and I never used it before. In any case, there was one time when the printer was jammed, so I wanted to go to paid station, but my mom said "maybe you should try to fix my printer instead, so that you don't have to go". So you see, it was my mom's idea that I try to fix it, not mine. She gave me an instruction manual, but I am not that good in reading instruction manuals so I put it aside and was poking around randomly. And yes, I acknowledge that I could have made it even worse since I literally had no idea what I was doing. However, the important part is that my *intention* was to make it better *and* my mom was the one who asked me to do what I did (otherwise I would have just went to the paid station). But yesterday night I had a big surprise about it. Here is what happened. So I was going to the physics conference and her printer wasn't working; so she called one of her friends and asked her to take me to the paid printing place so that I could print the things I want to put on my poster -- which I did. But, while I printed all of the poster things, I forgot to print my train ticket -- which today turned out to be okay: they gave me the train ticket on the station when I shown it on my phone -- but yesterday night I still wanted to print it just in case. That printing place was already closed, and so were all the other places as well (I literally came there like 20 minutes before it closed when I was printing my slides and forgot to print the ticket) so I decided to try to fix my mom's printer so that I could print it there -- and yes, this time it was my idea, not my mom's. So then I started to press the random buttons once again. My mom tried to give me an instruction manual but, since I have hard time understanding manuals, I wasn't even trying to look at it, I was just pressing random buttons. So then my mom told me "last time you decided to play with it and it stopped working" Now, back when I was a teenager I was infantile, so yes, at the age of 16 I was trying to play with computers to see what will happen if I press on various buttons. But now I am not 16 any more, I am 40. Even though doing it at the age of 16 is also amounts to not acting one's age, its not nearly as bad as doing it at the age of 40. So then I told her "I didn't play with it, I only did it because it wasn't working". Then she said "first you played with it and then it stopped working". So then I said "but the whole entire reason I did what I did is that it wasn't working" and then she said "well maybe it stopped working because you played with it and so then you tried to fix it". I said "no, you were the one who told me to try to fix it, do you remember what it was?" She didn't remember. So then I repeated "come on, that wasn't a fun experience, so I know for a fact that you told me" she said "okay". And I said "don't just say okay. Do you remember what it was that you told me I should fix". She still didn't remember. So I asked her five or ten different times to remember what it was. She kept trying to tell me to stop, but I kept pushing it, and she kept tryin to tell me to stop instead of trying to remember it. So then I said "okay let me help you out; the printer was jammed and you asked me to get rid of the jam; do you remember it now?" And then she finally remembered it. So then I said "well, how come you forgot this part and made it as if I just came to play with it". She said I should wasting time dwelling on all those details when there are all those packing we have to do. So I said "how is it a detail if this makes a difference between my trying to help fix it and my coming to play with it for no reason". Instead of responding to this she just kept repeating that she is too tired/busy and that I am giving her a headache with those questions As I kept pressing her more and more she just start getting upset that I am so pushy -- and still acted as if that question didn't really matter. I finally got her to acknowledge what I did -- she even thanked me a few times -- but I still could never get her to admit that that "detail" wasn't really a detail, much less explain why she got that "detail" wrong.

So what do you think of those examples? Were I just nitpicking on details or were those serious attacks on me as a person that she simply denied to get me to shut up?

In my opinion, these would have been simple, meaningless things if your mother hadn't brought them up. If she thought they were completely meaningless, she shouldn't have even bothered to remind you of them so in that sense, you're right. I also think that it's important to fix the misunderstanding if someone is blaming you for something you know you didn't do, which is what you did. However, in the second case you really could've handled it in a far more mature way.

This here is what I mean. She accused you wrongly, and you went to correct her. That's what I would've done too. However, the conversation should've stopped at her "okay." She said okay, meaning she got it that she was wrong and you were right. But you didn't stop?



Asking someone the same question over and over again is very unlikely to make them remember anything. Not impossible, but unlikely. And she told you to stop. Why would you bother her like this when she's already admitted to being wrong? She didn't remember, but she admitted you were right. Why would that no be enough? Sure, it would've been the right thing of her to apologize blaming you after she believed that the fault wasn't yours, but that doesn't seem to be the point of your post. In any case, she was rude for falsely accusing you and then not apologizing when she realized her mistake, but you were also very rude. You can't treat people like that. Also, I think it's highly likely that she didn't actually remember anything and that she just lied to make you stop and leave her alone.



I also agree that being falsely acccused isn't just a small detail but, again, you're making a way too big of a deal of it. She was tired; you could've and should've just left her alone. You need to think of other people's feelings too sometimes instead of blindly trying to get things you want and feel like you deserve without paying any attention to how your actions affect those around you.