Intense self-loathing keeping me from making friends

Post Reply New Topic

Is it normal to truly feel that you are the worst person you know? I try to be kind and polite, I have never said anything mean to anyone on campus. That being said, I present as kind of weird, I talk to myself all the time in my dorm or when I'm alone and I'm afraid others can hear me. I've tried to stop, but it comes as naturally as breathing.

I also am slow to react to people, so I don't usually respond if someone smiles at me. I also space out, sometimes glaring at people, or sometimes people think I'm checking them out. As a whole, I have few friends on campus and when I meet someone, I usually think of it as a matter of time until they dislike me.

I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong. How do I overcome such self-loathing?

Hello! This is me. I just finished my follow up evaluation appt and my assessor said my self standards are WAY HIGH and that others are far more accepting of me than I am interpreting. He advised that I when people don't like me I realize that for many it is their limitations and not mine. I was overly criticized as a child and taught that any hardship was my "responsibility" and now I am recovering from that.

One hyphenated word for us: SELF-COMPASSION

and another: SELF-ACCEPTANCE

In the last month alone I have had to long-term friends tell me: I wish you could see yourself the way I do...
(And, yes, there are folks who won't give me the time of day, but far fewer.)

I would bet it's similar for you.

Perhaps the driving force of this unwarranted self loathing is unhealed wounds from the past. AS people accumulate wounds over time - because difference is not valued unless it is coupled with fame or great riches or so on. This is why it is my earnest hope that WP once again prioritises becoming again a supportive and healing place. Validation and support for AS difference from others who fully understand can challenge the self loathing that creeps upon us in states of personal isolation, whether the isolation is physical or psychological or both.

Giving yourself due credit for your courage and best qualities are a start, so perhaps you could share examples of these with us, because the opposite of self loathing is self affirmation, and you sound like a loving and lovable person.

What have you done to other people that is so “wrong”?

You have a few quirks. Who doesn’t?

I don’t feel being awkward socially harms anybody.

I believe people should “reality test” themselves when they feel self-loathing. Ask yourself: have I caused anybody to lose their job? Have I molested a little child? Have I started a false, vicious rumor against somebody?

If the answer is “no” to these questions in my case, I wouldn’t hate myself in the least.

I was thinking about this as I woke up this morning. It seems I made a rule to "protect" myself from all the criticism. Something along the lines of: I must make sure others aren't upset (and so I internalized my own). Just writing that is pretty awful. Time for a new rule: I will allow others to be upset. I will be fair to myself.

I gave an example to my ASD assessor and he confirmed: it wasn't me, it was the other person. I need to allow the other person to be upset and not take it on myself.

Maybe "allow" isn't the right word. But something along these lines.

I hope it's as "simple" as a new rule! LOL. I can try.

I have a lot of sum of self-acceptance, yet ever scant of self-compassion...
I'm still getting to know myself a bit better.

Let's just say it's not that I hate myself for acting inadequately. There are simply things that I've yet to be aware of.
I won't simply say my circumstances. Let's just say my circumstances are at least much better and fulfilled than most aspies around here, I just happened to be disinterested and initially differ in social intent... I would've been more content and grateful otherwise to be honest.

But yeah, how to figure how to heal yourself.
First be aware of yourself, then acknowledge it. When acknowledging it, ask yourself what this is and let it express... Let it express, take it for what it is, forgive and accept it.

Then learn and move on -- simple right? Depending on the individual, it's trickier said than ever done.


Just cut to the chase and stop reading from here if that's all you need to know.
This is just a long story of myself that I only feel like I thought was relevant:

More like I had accept myself as a malicious creature who may have an inherently selfish intent to only take and never give.
And I do not mean this as a very misunderstood aspie or a vilified individual, but as the flat-out self-serving human who only want to preserve this prideful self-image.
One that never forgives another and never forgives self for failing to maintain it under false pretense.
This is why I imagine the NT version of myself would be more sociopathic and predatory instead of an average joe enjoying things that NTs taken for granted.
I had long embraced and own this facet of self who would do anything to survive, have all the vengeance and be gratified when fulfilled, would take the opportunity whenever it arises, come out on top and be above the so-called victims and sufferers.
So if someone confronts that I'm a hypocrite, prideful, or one with the swelled ego to my face -- I'd agree to it and not from out of self-hatred, but from truth. I won't recommend starting from here, unless you can afford it.
Yet this facet is the one who would point and blame. One who would distrust self and other.

But logically? Where does this came from? I was not an abused child nor spent too much time in rejection and judgment, so why did I even aspire to this as young as age 4 or so?? I wouldn't really know where it came from. I still don't know how or why.....


I haven't ever accept the self who would admit to want help, who would be grateful, who would admit longing and wanting, who would be guilty, who would cry and admit whenever it hurt, who shows weakness, who would have to rely to the kindness of others and is at the mercy of the world.
I've yet to actually explore this side of self and had greeted it with nothing but frustration.
This is the self who's known for self-pity, and my already affirmed yet a rather less benevolent side of myself would not and would never 'self-enable' let alone look for someone to enable self-pity.
This facet of myself is undeniably strong, for this facet would blame self. I blame myself more often than I would ever admit. There are times I'm actually scared of myself for others. So this is where most of the guilt really came from.

Logically, it should've been this. Except it's not. I already achieved certain things, I already have what most people don't have -- so what's the hold up? No one truly blamed me, I got away with a lot of things. So it's just me, really, who's been judging myself over what really?


I do not fully accept the self who reaches out, who worries for others, who actually cares and extend a hand, who would forgive and who would admit wrong. I'm still learning who this is -- who ever this is, it's a side of myself is does more than just social tolerance and sees the act of kindness as more than just some social obligation.
This facet of self is more social, only interested of getting to know others and see their side of the story. But still uninterested about the ideas of relationships. Still asocial despite being very prosocial.
Maybe find this facet of yourself similar to this and start from there -- most people start out from this facet to accept self and strives to embody this side of self. I didn't.
I blamed this side of myself as the weakling and the root of my guilt. I'm going to tell you -- it's likely not. This facet only forgives -- it blames no one and nothing.

But to truly attain this side of self, one had to heal.
Most people strives to stay and show this facet of themselves because of the idea of 'good', but struggles to because they're not fully healed themselves.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

^^
I denied "selfishness" (still there, but at arm's length) and I embraced "weakness" (forgiving all others, but not myself). It's time for me to moderate ---- to enjoy some "selfishness". There is strength in vulnerability that I have enjoyed. Now to "play" elsewhere, to be less forgiving - holding folks responsible for their own actions.

When I was a child my AS-like mom never said she was sorry, she made it my fault. I then always said I was sorry and made it my fault. Now in her mid-70s my mom is just starting to say she is sorry. Now in my late 40s, I am just starting to apologize less. I am hoping my AS-like daughter starts with moderation and doesn't have to wait 40-70 years, but maybe that's in part human nature... human development...

I find many extremes in ASD. What you write would be my alter-ego. A small dash of that would be wonderful for me. For some balance. FYI - It hasn't been so bad being the over-kind "weak" one. To do what I want to do I need another and found caring friends and a wonderful partner. I've done quite well for myself in supportive environments (they are out there) but as you suggest, I am wracked by anxiety (hence my desire for some balance). What's odd to me, is that I come across as very confident to others (outside my inner circle) - all those acting classes paid off. Ironically I am able to reduce others' anxiety. People see or sense that I can go from "meek" to "strong" quickly. A person could steal most everything from me and I would let it go: "those things were nice, not necessary" --- but if they go for a thing I value (or values in general), watch out! Perhaps that has "protected" me in some cases.

Back to OP, I have realized I have near 0 social memory. My assessor said it's part of my version of ASD. In the past that added to my angst of making/keeping friends. "I recognize you and I like you, but I don't recall our shared history." I thought I needed to be like them and remember things we did. Now I know my friends enjoy my ability to live in the moment, honestly and openly.

I've never experienced full-fledged self-loathing, although I do tend to be very anxious in new social situations.

It is understandable to me that many autistic people would experience self-loathing, given how we are so often rejected by NT's.

I was spared a descent into outright self-loathing, as a child, thanks to the positive strokes I got from my parents and a few other adults in my life, and thanks to my unusual talents. (For example, I figured out how to play the piano by ear at around age 4, at the same time I was belatedly learning to walk and talk.) So I was able to feel that I was a worthwhile person even though the other kids didn't like me. By adolescence, I concluded that I was simply incompatible with most people, and that what I needed to do was to seek out my fellow freaks of one kind or another.

My form of self-loathing does not mainly root from circumstances of criticisms and rejection, but from deprived desires and self-imposed standards. In other words -- the huge gap between intentionality and action.
I do not mind mistakes and flaws as a human and a person, but I had enough with misinterpretation and lacking control over my own outcomes.

I want to turn right, it goes left instead. I want to adapt, I end up fussing instead. I want to be in control, I end up being impulsive and reckless instead. I wanna be manageable, I ended up a helpless mess who needed accommodations. Frustrating.

If everything is sum up with life experiences and circumstances, then I should be one of the happiest and content person I'd know. Except it's not. It's not them or my world, it's really me and the damn sentiments I couldn't let it go.
Thus I only want executive function to be fixed and could care less about anything else. Doesn't matter the consequences as long as it's not some clumsy mental misfire.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.