Telling the story of meeting the new neighbor

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irreversibility
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19 Jul 2020, 4:10 pm

I was telling a NT guy I know that I had introduced myself my new neighbor. (I was rather proud of this fact, but I was trying to pass it off as casual.) The guy asked me pretty bluntly, 'What was your impression of your new neighbor?' This kind of shut me down because I know that talking about the qualities of another person is a good way to be wrong. I did make an intelligible answer, but since I didn't have much to say, the guy launched into a story about his own experience maintaining his own home.
Now my mind is racing as I look back on the conversation. The guy had this expectation that I had interrogated my new neighbor to assess the character of this person who would be living next to me, and had assumed that I wanted to talk about it. These social NTs spend all this time keeping tabs and evaluating each other. I'm just happy I got the introductions over with and now don't have to be bashful with anyone in the neighborhood about not knowing my new neighbor's name.
I joined this forum to break myself of the habit of thinking that I'm one social skill away from being 'normal'. Every time I do the work to perform a 'normal' act, I get all excited about it and think its gotten me into the 'club'. Then I get reminded how much stuff other people are doing that I am not.
Writing out the experience has been very helpful. I still feel that I've 'lost' something, but I'm not quite as discouraged. Please share your thoughts or similar experiences!

IR



cyberdad
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19 Jul 2020, 4:39 pm

irreversibility wrote:
. I'm just happy I got the introductions over with and now don't have to be bashful with anyone in the neighborhood about not knowing my new neighbor's name.
I joined this forum to break myself of the habit of thinking that I'm one social skill away from being 'normal'. Every time I do the work to perform a 'normal' act, I get all excited about it and think its gotten me into the 'club'. Then I get reminded how much stuff other people are doing that I am not.
Writing out the experience has been very helpful. I still feel that I've 'lost' something, but I'm not quite as discouraged. Please share your thoughts or similar experiences!


As an NT I can tell you that we barely make any effort to say hello to neighbours. Good effort on your part.



bee33
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19 Jul 2020, 10:57 pm

I think you were right to initiate a friendly and casual introduction of yourself to your neighbor, and the guy who asked you for your assessment of the neighbor was wrong and was being overly nosy and intrusive. You win. :)



starkid
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20 Jul 2020, 12:47 am

irreversibility wrote:
The guy had this expectation that I had interrogated my new neighbor to assess the character of this person who would be living next to me, and had assumed that I wanted to talk about it.

I don't see why you think this. Forming an impression of someone does not require an interrogation. Maybe the guy you were talking to didn't take this as seriously as you seem to think he did.



Fireblossom
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20 Jul 2020, 7:45 am

starkid wrote:
irreversibility wrote:
The guy had this expectation that I had interrogated my new neighbor to assess the character of this person who would be living next to me, and had assumed that I wanted to talk about it.

I don't see why you think this. Forming an impression of someone does not require an interrogation. Maybe the guy you were talking to didn't take this as seriously as you seem to think he did.


That's what I think, too. The guy was likely just trying to keep up the conversation about the subject. It was small talk. The answer he was looking for was probably something along the lines of "the neighbor seems nice so far." After that, the subject would've likely changed.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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28 Jul 2020, 10:31 am

irreversibility wrote:
These social NTs spend all this time keeping tabs and evaluating each other.

Fireblossom wrote:
The answer he was looking for was probably something along the lines of "the neighbor seems nice so far." After that, the subject would've likely changed.
I think both are most probably true. Yes, a nondescript answer of the sort ‘Seems like an alright guy’ was probably all the NT guy was expecting.

At the same time, neurotypical people and maybe people in general, holy cow, spend a heck of a lot of time judging and evaluating each other. These starts with who the cool kids are in junior high and probably even as early as kindergarten! Who’s on the ins or outs at work. Magazines even have brief articles “What’s hot” and “What’s not,” and sometimes even directly “Who’s hot.” And when there’s an election, it seems to be overwhelmingly about personality, and only very little about policy.

However, this gives opening for us to be, a little bit, in the direction of zen masters.

For example, generally accept people as they are. Realizing that people on their own terms are usually doing the best they can. And in low-key fashion, maybe be a builder and encourager, both what they’re already good at and perhaps an occasional area they’re worried about. And I think there are good ways and good skills of both accepting others and also protecting yourself.



Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 28 Jul 2020, 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

tina.mary911
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28 Jul 2020, 10:36 am

I think you did a great job



jimmy m
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28 Jul 2020, 1:58 pm

It is always good to know your neighbors. It helps to weave you into the community that you live in. As an Aspie, I am an extreme introvert and I find little pleasure in meeting new people. But there was one time in my life I felt it was a little bit more important.

My wife is an extreme extrovert and she is happy being an extrovert. It is important for me to allow her to be the best extrovert she can be. If I lock her away in a house and restrict her from developing new friendships, I will break her. So it is important for me to encourage and expand her social network. When we moved into a new housing development, none of our new neighbors came by for a visit. I could see that they were all waiting for someone else to break the ice. So when I got home from work each day I would take my wife in tow and walk over to a neighbor and knock on their door and introduce us and invite them over for a cup of coffee. About half of our neighbors were glad to meet us and they immediately invited us in for a chat. They became instant friends. This may sound like a strange thing for an introvert to do. But I am fearless but my wife is not and besides I didn’t really need to socialize, I just needed to introduce ourselves and then stand back and let my wife do all the talking.


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28 Jul 2020, 9:00 pm

Neighbours are a bit of a lottery. If you live in the "burbs" you need to conform to the neighborhood.

I unfortunately live in an upper middle class neighbourhood where my neighbors drive expensive European cars and have manicured gardens. They are mostly old snobby retired white people and Asians who can't speak a word of English.



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28 Jul 2020, 10:15 pm

irreversibility wrote:
I was telling a NT guy I know that I had introduced myself my new neighbor. (I was rather proud of this fact, but I was trying to pass it off as casual.) The guy asked me pretty bluntly, 'What was your impression of your new neighbor?' This kind of shut me down because I know that talking about the qualities of another person is a good way to be wrong. I did make an intelligible answer, but since I didn't have much to say, the guy launched into a story about his own experience maintaining his own home.
Now my mind is racing as I look back on the conversation. The guy had this expectation that I had interrogated my new neighbor to assess the character of this person who would be living next to me, and had assumed that I wanted to talk about it. These social NTs spend all this time keeping tabs and evaluating each other. I'm just happy I got the introductions over with and now don't have to be bashful with anyone in the neighborhood about not knowing my new neighbor's name.
I joined this forum to break myself of the habit of thinking that I'm one social skill away from being 'normal'. Every time I do the work to perform a 'normal' act, I get all excited about it and think its gotten me into the 'club'. Then I get reminded how much stuff other people are doing that I am not.
Writing out the experience has been very helpful. I still feel that I've 'lost' something, but I'm not quite as discouraged. Please share your thoughts or similar experiences!

IR


what an APT observation!! !!

i've taken to doing this too--but after the fact, and force myself to make it a habit-- because of defensiveness, i realize they do it, you have to do it too or something bad can happen from your naivety/open-hearted demeanour towards a person.

you also HAVE to categorize / group people based on observation/trial and error, so you know how to behave around them in a way they won't get offended or feel hurt or take advantage of you..
but that is for adapting to a way that it's safe for you and them, not to look down on
edit to add: that can lead to paranoia and false interpretations too, though

they are always sussing people out, even people supposedly 'accepted' by them can, in a moment, be shunned over (what seems to me) petty things or misinterpretations or just being too rigid.

ironically they call US rigid.
at least our rigidity is not based on looking down on others <<this sentence is ill-expressed, perhaps you know what i mean, there's a better way of saying it.


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28 Jul 2020, 10:19 pm

jimmy m wrote:
It is always good to know your neighbors. It helps to weave you into the community that you live in. As an Aspie, I am an extreme introvert and I find little pleasure in meeting new people. But there was one time in my life I felt it was a little bit more important.

My wife is an extreme extrovert and she is happy being an extrovert. It is important for me to allow her to be the best extrovert she can be. If I lock her away in a house and restrict her from developing new friendships, I will break her. So it is important for me to encourage and expand her social network. When we moved into a new housing development, none of our new neighbors came by for a visit. I could see that they were all waiting for someone else to break the ice. So when I got home from work each day I would take my wife in tow and walk over to a neighbor and knock on their door and introduce us and invite them over for a cup of coffee. About half of our neighbors were glad to meet us and they immediately invited us in for a chat. They became instant friends. This may sound like a strange thing for an introvert to do. But I am fearless but my wife is not and besides I didn’t really need to socialize, I just needed to introduce ourselves and then stand back and let my wife do all the talking.


a healthy partnership.


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