Who has unfair advantage: the popular or the unpopular?

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So a few weeks ago I had a conversation with the counselor about the situation with a certain girl where I tried the "no contact" and instead of making things better it made things worse (see viewtopic.php?t=381471 ). So the ending of my conversation with the counselor went among the following lines:

ME: From the common sense point of view, I would have agreed with you that cutting off contact is a bad idea. But the thing is that I read a lot of online advice that says that -- for some weird reason -- cutting off contact helps. So I am puzzled about two things: why does it help when it comes to others, and why did it not help in my case?

COUNSELOR: That advice is aimed to people that are just trying to get laid and have something very short term. From what you were telling me, it doesn't look like that is your goal, is it.

ME: Thats right: getting laid and having short term is not my goal. However, I can still look at it from the logical/theoretic point of view. If cutting off a contact with a girl would make her think of me as an as*hole -- why would she want to get laid with an as*hole?

COUNSELOR: Cutting off contact with a girl would initially cause her to lose self esteem since she would assume "she" wasn't good enough -- so she would be willing to go with the guy just to validate herself. But then when she will talk to her friends they will assure her that the problem is not her but the guy and bring her self esteem back up -- and then she would reject the guy for what he did.

ME: So do you think the girl I was involved in has talked to her friends?

COUNSELOR: More than likely

ME: But do you think it is unfair: because its like a popularity contest, the girl judges a guy negatively simply because he is "unpopular" among her friends?

COUNSELOR: Well, if you have your own friends then they would be the ones to back you up

ME: But I don't have any friends

COUNSELOR: Maybe not close friends, but you have some, such as that guy in the Bible studies

ME: He isn't a real friend

COUNSELOR: So maybe making friends is something you should focus on before you look for a relationship

ME: But I am already 40, so how many years do you want me to wait until I am finally ready for a relationship

COUNELOR: You don't have to wait, you can do both at the same time, but you should focus on learning friendship skills and then apply what you learn to dating

Anyway, let me go back to the part in bold and discuss it So counselor told me something really interesting: he said that friends are like a buffer that would help weed out fakes. A guy can be fake and it can work -- until the girl talks to her friends -- and then friends would enable her to see the guy for the fake that he is.

However, I see it as an opposite: An aspie can be really genuine, yet the girl would reject the genuine good will of an aspie since he happened to be unpopular among her friends. Yet some popular jerk can be totally fake yet the girl would fall for him because he is popular among her friends for some fake reasons.

So which way is it? Do friends weed out the fake in favor of genuine (like counselor says) or do they weed out the genuine in favor of the fake (like I see it). Or could it be that the reality is how I see it -- while most people bought into the way counselor sees it -- and thats why they, ironically, accuse the genuine of fakeness and visa versa?

People weed out the desperate from the friendly. Friendliness makes you popular. Desperation makes you unpopular. This is fair.

QED

No its not. The desperate are the ones that are in FAR MORE need of social contact, while for the friendly its like an icing on the cake. So you are saying that an icing on a cake after a really good meal is more important than a food for someone starving?

No, I'm saying that desperation makes you unpleasant, and that it's fair to be "weeded out" for being unpleasant. Your analogy does not apply. A more proper analogy is that a cake coated with icing is preferable to a cake coated with vomit, and that it is fair (and smart) to "weed out" the vomit-coated cake in favor of the icing-coated cake. So, if you want friends, be friendly, not desperate.

I guess I don't see a desperation as cake coated in vomit. One thing I don't get is how do I hurt others by being desperate?

Because desperation in non-autistic men is almost always a sign of danger to women.
It’s for their own protection & survival that they do this.

Desperation is annoying. Annoyance is a form of emotional discomfort. When feeling discomfort, people want to remove themselves from its source. If that source is you, then they will remove themselves from you. This is fair. So if you want people to remain close to you, then be pleasant -- keep your desperation to yourself.

Thats the unfair part. What is annoying and what isn't, is in the eyes of the beholder. What makes desperation annoying is their belief system where they attach their unfavorable interpretation towards the given persons behavior. If they were to be willing to give the desperate person the benefit of the doubt, maybe they wouldn't find it annoying to begin with. And the big question is: just how do they interpret desperation -- like what are their thought processes that resulted in them being annoyed by it?

And thats the other thing I don't get. From the point of view of pure selfish self-concern, I don't see why I would ever want to do something that would get me into jail.

And, besides, since the reason for my desperation is lack of approval from others, raping someone won't give me the approval that I seek anyway. So I have zero motivation to do it even without jail.

Would you log into a social website, be as annoying as possible, and then berate the moderators for wanting to get rid of you? Do you really think that trolling people is justifiable? Be honest, now...

As for trolling I agree with you. But desperation and trolling are two totally different things.

Once again: Desperation is annoying. Deliberately annoying people is a form of trolling. Trolling drives people away. Hide your desperation and people will be more likely to stick around. Express your desperation and people will be more likely to avoid you. It's just that simple, so don't complicate it.

Why don’t you try having female friends without thinking about pursuing them?
Get used to it and their company, and in time one of them will find you charming and invite you upstairs, permanently.
Worked for me

How is it deliberate? You can't choose to be happy or sad. Oh yeah I was told that I could -- which is something I am not buying -- but even if it was true: the fact that I haven't mastered such an intricate yoga technique doesn't mean I am trolling people.

1. I can't even get female friends either. Now, are you saying they can read my mind and since they know I wish I could get a girlfriend thats why they aren't my friends -- and if I were to give up an idea of a girlfriend they would know it and become my friends?

2. For how long do I have to postpone the idea of getting a girlfriend, seeing that I am already 40 and I would like to make family some day?

By choosing to display your desperation, you are deliberately annoying others.


Seriously, you refuse to believe anything that that would make it easier for you to have friends. So be it.

Deal with it yourself. Good luck.