Never-Ending Dissatisfaction !

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So I’m back for a bit I guess haha.

Update is I’m probably going to finally get a formal diagnosis of bpd this month.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about right now, well… sort of? I don’t know. It’s tough because I constantly question myself, and in getting closer to this diagnosis and in having my asd diagnosis I’m questioning them both. They make sense, but I feel like I’m just not a clear enough cut case, and so I’m a bit confused within myself. I know there’s the whole “classic”‌ and “quiet” borderline but I feel like those terms can often just create more stigma, but I also feel like what I’m experiencing is because I blend more into that “quiet”, where the chaos is more hidden as it is often directed inwards.

Something I’ve been struggling with internally a lot lately, or more so I’ve just found some more words to put to the feelings I have been dealing with for a long time is… Perfection. I hear a lot of others on the spectrum also struggle with perfection, but I’ve realised that something I struggle with a lot is wanting myself (personality, appearance) to be perfect as well. I’m never satisfied in the world around me or inside of myself. I understand a way to cope with the dissatisfaction is practising gratitude, (thank you Kurzgesagt In a Nutshell) but I really do. I’m very grateful for my friendships and the beauty of this world, but I also cannot handle it. This world is a very chaotic place.

I find myself struggling, because in my own never-ending dissatisfaction I wish to satisfy others. I wish I could be whatever somebody else needed and wanted. If I’m not comfortable I can just make myself a pawn to other’s, right? At least I’d have some use. Pretending to be somebody else does conflict with my morals, as I figure that if we’re all honest and true to ourselves and each other we can more easily seek out and gain whatever it is we need, I do practice this, but surprise surprise- it isn’t enough. I often crave just to disconnect certain aspects of myself and amplify them, or dull them, into new personas that I could disconnect myself emotionally from and use to escape my mind. Still, I’m uncertain if that would be enough for me too. I follow myself wherever I go. I'm sorry if this all seems ridiculous to you, it's just me struggling to cope.

I’ve made a new friend recently and they’ve managed to sum up the world quite simply. “Living is absurd. Being alive is absurd. It’s even more absurd to acknowledge that and continue to live on in spite of it.”

Have any of you dealt with these struggles? Are you still dealing with them or did you find a way that works for you to overcome them?‌ Please feel free to share them with us below if you’re comfortable. Thank you for reading.

(Also, I hope this is alright but I’m placing this in Social Skills and Making Friends instead of the Psychological Conditions forum as I feel although I do have bpd, this is about relating to others and trying to find who to be, which I’m sure many other people can relate to on some extent regardless.)

Hi! I'm undiagnosed asperger's and have never seen a psychiatrist - I mask. Always felt broken, an outsider, shy, stubborn, plus had other non-NT characteristics, always confused about people, quit school after grade 10. I've never asked for help unless I absolutely had to, always analyzing, live in my head, oblivious, flitting through life.
A few years back I was sick and it impaired my brain (hypercalcemia) - was slow, with short term memory loss. The slowness caused me to realize something was different about me so I researched. Like you I finally "found the words". Before I could never be able to describe what was going on with me, always reacting or ignoring, not aware something was wrong. On testing my EQ is only 11. I had to read and read again to make sure I understood emotions - most still don't make sense but some do. And I'm trying to work through this because I finally see the effect I've had on my adult kids and I want to improve for their sakes, they worry.
I recently sat in on a few mental health discussions - anxiety, depression, etc. I guess I have all the above, including perfectionism. I admit to anxieties BUT I don't feel depressed or try to be perfect. Maybe it's my logic and the terms used are not exact enough that causes confusion. Depressed (I never cry, the occasional gasp maybe). Perfectionist (I'm so anti-perfection it's unreal - I never conform to anything except my internal beliefs, and even then there are exceptions). I heard the same spiel about expressing gratitude but that assumes dissatisfaction (as an adult I always describe myself as content, as long as I'm in control I'm ok). Doctors need to invent new words so I understand more easily. I struggle with the reality of the depth attributed to certain emotions - they sound made up to me. Like people are faking it because they think they are supposed to react a certain way (drama). Mass hysteria or something. Or am I just so attuned to the changes in my mind/body that I dismissed certain emotions long ago because they were counterproductive?? And have since forgotten them. I think society tries to make us feel lacking, just concern yourself with what you need to make yourself happier. We are autistic so the norms won't work as well for us. Rather than escaping/pretending experiment and on occasion meet new people and try to be yourself. I did, made mistakes, practiced another do-over and learned as I went. People tend to like me now! I can't connect to people so it's superficial to me but in the long run all interactions are easier and my anxieties have come waaay down. I feel waaay less judged (practice changed my perceptions and therefore my reactions).
I gathered from my reading that emotional struggles in autism stem largely from being lonely . I'm lucky and rarely get lonely so I only ride the roller coaster when there are too many people in my life.
I have a sister who is bipolar - it really seemed to hit her around 40. She was clearly a perfectionist to me - crying over grades as a teen, being everything to everybody, never showing cracks in her story. I had no idea she was struggling the way she was (I wouldn't, just thought she was attention seeking). Glad she finally spoke out and sought help and started saying no to things (before always volunteering, organizing, etc). Now she is much better but still struggling. She has an emotional support dog and is more mindful about getting her sleep and allowing herself me time. By letting certain people know about her issues she lets her guard down around us and that definitely helps her.
Rambling done - it does feel good to air things out. So another thing that helps is talking! Everyone should talk about their issues to at least one family member or close friend that you trust. As more people are aware that we all have issues, that we're all a little screwy, maybe they won't be so judgemental. When you see a loved one struggle it makes it real and you want to lessen the stigma for everyone. Sayings like "they're having a bad day" isn't good enough. It's easier to learn how to help through understanding.