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Is it normal to know who the favourites are in a family?

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KT67
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27 Oct 2020, 6:36 pm

My granddad outright told me one day after my cousins left:

"I like you best. You're like a boy and you're quiet. And I liked your mum best. Your grandma liked your auntie best. She always just wanted one child. She got sad after your mum was born. She got on better with your cousin and auntie"

As an aspie young person, I thought nothing of this except that it's nice to be complimented and the 'favourite'.

Looking back at it though, wasn't it a bit inappropriate for him to tell me that? Esp the stuff about grandma's post-natal depression after mum was born & how she initially only wanted one kid?

He still says things like "I don't mind if [birth name] stays, [birth name] is no trouble and doesn't make the house too noisy like [cousins] do" to my mum if I want to stay over.

He welcomes my cousins but he tells us "I'm glad when they leave"

He's one of my favourite family members too for the reasons he describes.


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Fireblossom
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30 Oct 2020, 6:31 am

From what I've understood, it's normal to be able to tell the favorites apart from the others from the way people behave, but that it's not proper to actually call someone their favorites or admit that they have favorites.

Quote:
Looking back at it though, wasn't it a bit inappropriate for him to tell me that? Esp the stuff about grandma's post-natal depression after mum was born & how she initially only wanted one kid?


I'm not sure... on one hand, it's good if people can talk about stuff like depression and such, but on the other, he was talking about your grandma's personal life, not his own, so perhaps that wasn't really acceptable?

Quote:
He still says things like "I don't mind if [birth name] stays, [birth name] is no trouble and doesn't make the house too noisy like [cousins] do" to my mum if I want to stay over.

He welcomes my cousins but he tells us "I'm glad when they leave"


That's not exactly proper (I think), but lots of people do it.



kraftiekortie
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30 Oct 2020, 8:40 am

If you were a young child, it would have been inappropriate.

If you were an adult, it's not really a nice thing to compare people to other people----but people do it all the time. It's not nice, but it's not really inappropriate.

At least you're not at the short end of the stick......



Gentleman Argentum
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31 Oct 2020, 5:35 pm

KT67 wrote:
My granddad outright told me one day after my cousins left:

"I like you best. You're like a boy and you're quiet. And I liked your mum best. Your grandma liked your auntie best. She always just wanted one child. She got sad after your mum was born. She got on better with your cousin and auntie"

As an aspie young person, I thought nothing of this except that it's nice to be complimented and the 'favourite'.

Looking back at it though, wasn't it a bit inappropriate for him to tell me that? Esp the stuff about grandma's post-natal depression after mum was born & how she initially only wanted one kid?

He still says things like "I don't mind if [birth name] stays, [birth name] is no trouble and doesn't make the house too noisy like [cousins] do" to my mum if I want to stay over.

He welcomes my cousins but he tells us "I'm glad when they leave"

He's one of my favourite family members too for the reasons he describes.


My Grandmother, Mom, and Dad all let me know one way or the other I was the favorite over my brother. I did not rub it in but just kept the knowledge to myself--you should too. It is not that bad of Grandpa to confide in you, it would be bad of you to use that information to hurt the others. I reckon he trusts you to do the right thing.


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KT67
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31 Oct 2020, 5:56 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
I'm not sure... on one hand, it's good if people can talk about stuff like depression and such, but on the other, he was talking about your grandma's personal life, not his own, so perhaps that wasn't really acceptable?



I was having a hard time at uni so must've been early 20s. Prob about 22.

My grandma died when I was 6 so my memories of her are very much childhood memories.

Granddad didn't actually say she had depression. I think that would've been more ok. He said 'when your mum was born your grandma was sad'.

I later found out (pieced together) it was post natal depression cos mum said she had post natal depression.

Which is more understandable than being sad your kid's been born. Cos the depression is an illness. I wish granddad had said it as 'post natal depression' but he's blunt and doesn't always use posh words etc.

Still weird knowing that grandma had only wanted one kid initially.


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Fnord
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31 Oct 2020, 7:19 pm

Everyone knew that my eldest sister was my dad's favorite daughter, and that our eldest brother was his favorite son.  Mom's favorites were my other brother and my other sisters.  My grandparents favored the eldest of their grandchildren, which were mostly our cousins.  I was stuck in the middle, left mostly to my own devices, and largely ignored unless I got into trouble (especially if one of the favorites blamed me for something they had done instead).

So yeah ... everyone has his or her favorites; and unless the quirky kid is an only child, he or she is not likely to be anyone's favorite.



Fireblossom
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01 Nov 2020, 5:01 am

KT67 wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
I'm not sure... on one hand, it's good if people can talk about stuff like depression and such, but on the other, he was talking about your grandma's personal life, not his own, so perhaps that wasn't really acceptable?



I was having a hard time at uni so must've been early 20s. Prob about 22.

My grandma died when I was 6 so my memories of her are very much childhood memories.

Granddad didn't actually say she had depression. I think that would've been more ok. He said 'when your mum was born your grandma was sad'.

I later found out (pieced together) it was post natal depression cos mum said she had post natal depression.

Which is more understandable than being sad your kid's been born. Cos the depression is an illness. I wish granddad had said it as 'post natal depression' but he's blunt and doesn't always use posh words etc.

Still weird knowing that grandma had only wanted one kid initially.


He probably didn't know that a depression after childbirth was a thing of it's own. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't really even know what depression in itself was. Depressed people have always existed (probably), but the condition hasn't always had a name.



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01 Nov 2020, 10:04 am

Fnord wrote:
Everyone knew that my eldest sister was my dad's favorite daughter, and that our eldest brother was his favorite son.  Mom's favorites were my other brother and my other sisters.  My grandparents favored the eldest of their grandchildren, which were mostly our cousins.  I was stuck in the middle, left mostly to my own devices, and largely ignored unless I got into trouble (especially if one of the favorites blamed me for something they had done instead).

So yeah ... everyone has his or her favorites; and unless the quirky kid is an only child, he or she is not likely to be anyone's favorite.


Did you have a favorite parent?
That's the other side of the equation. Lest parents take all the rap.


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