If you think similar to me, you enter a new situation, and you're always thinking that everyone there has better things to do than talk to you, and more important parts of their life...I always feel afraid to care about the people in those situations... It makes you feel really stupid if you come to find that someone cared way less about a situation than you did. ... That s**t is embarrassing.
This is something that I feel deeply and repeatedly.
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In order to avoid [having this happen to us], we all have this baseline assumption that people we interact with in a given situation don't really care that much about us, they don't really want to be there, they have better things in their life to do, and people who are more important to them that they'd rather see than you... I feel like these assumptions can help to emotionally insulate us from feelings of rejection, because if we never allow ourselves to believe that we're important to someone else, then we can never be hurt be the realization that we're not.
This is pretty much how I've lived my life, not so much because I'm consciously trying to protect myself like this, but because it's been repeatedly demonstrated that people don't care about me, so I'm just being realistic.
But what happens when someone comes along and says they care, but they're just lying? Am I really so gullible that I fall for it, fail to defend myself against rejection, and then the rejection hurts way more than if I'd just taken the rejection from the start?
Apparently, the answer is yes, I am that gullible.
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When we do this too much, we don't allow ourselves any measure of importance in other people's lives, even when those same people are kinda important to us.
From here she gets more hopeful than I can follow.
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It's easy to assume that when you don't see them, those people are off gallivanting around and having an amazing life, and having much better friends than you can possibly be. And it's probably not really true, most of the time.
When you don't see those people, and you're home sitting on your f*****g couch being sad, I feel like it's just as likely that they're just sitting on their couch being sad...
Realistically, what is the chance that they're off having a much better time without you?
Sometimes they tell you that's exactly what's happening.
The most embarrassing social failures, I'd say the most humiliating social failures, are when you've revealed to someone that they are important enough to you that you want to spend some of your time with them, and they've said likewise, but they demonstrate through their complete rejection of you that they are lying.
Not only did those people have other people in their lives that are so much more important than you are, but they strung you along, made you keep setting yourself up for embarrassment and humiliation, because you wanted to believe them. And when you finally come to your senses and give up on them, you are so much worse off for having put yourself through that.
Why didn't you stick to your baseline assumption that people care less than you do?
Joined: 24 Aug 2019 Age: 54 Gender: Male Posts: 819 Location: State of Euphoria
10 Mar 2021, 6:20 pm
TenMinutes wrote:
Quote:
If you think similar to me, you enter a new situation, and you're always thinking that everyone there has better things to do than talk to you, and more important parts of their life...I always feel afraid to care about the people in those situations... It makes you feel really stupid if you come to find that someone cared way less about a situation than you did. ... That s**t is embarrassing.
This is something that I feel deeply and repeatedly.
Quote:
In order to avoid [having this happen to us], we all have this baseline assumption that people we interact with in a given situation don't really care that much about us, they don't really want to be there, they have better things in their life to do, and people who are more important to them that they'd rather see than you... I feel like these assumptions can help to emotionally insulate us from feelings of rejection, because if we never allow ourselves to believe that we're important to someone else, then we can never be hurt be the realization that we're not.
This is pretty much how I've lived my life, not so much because I'm consciously trying to protect myself like this, but because it's been repeatedly demonstrated that people don't care about me, so I'm just being realistic.
But what happens when someone comes along and says they care, but they're just lying? Am I really so gullible that I fall for it, fail to defend myself against rejection, and then the rejection hurts way more than if I'd just taken the rejection from the start?
Apparently, the answer is yes, I am that gullible.
Quote:
When we do this too much, we don't allow ourselves any measure of importance in other people's lives, even when those same people are kinda important to us.
From here she gets more hopeful than I can follow.
Quote:
It's easy to assume that when you don't see them, those people are off gallivanting around and having an amazing life, and having much better friends than you can possibly be. And it's probably not really true, most of the time.
When you don't see those people, and you're home sitting on your f*****g couch being sad, I feel like it's just as likely that they're just sitting on their couch being sad...
Realistically, what is the chance that they're off having a much better time without you?
Sometimes they tell you that's exactly what's happening.
The most embarrassing social failures, I'd say the most humiliating social failures, are when you've revealed to someone that they are important enough to you that you want to spend some of your time with them, and they've said likewise, but they demonstrate through their complete rejection of you that they are lying.
Not only did those people have other people in their lives that are so much more important than you are, but they strung you along, made you keep setting yourself up for embarrassment and humiliation, because you wanted to believe them. And when you finally come to your senses and give up on them, you are so much worse off for having put yourself through that.
Why didn't you stick to your baseline assumption that people care less than you do?
You described my last date down to a tee. I told her I really care about her, but she just was on some kind of power trip and wanted to grill me over the coals. Embarrassment and humiliation, that was her kick, a big ego-trip. She used me sexually, then dumped me.
Next time I start dating someone I've got to figure out some way to put the brakes on and not fall so fast. I am not sure how that will be accomplished.
_________________ My magical motto is Animus facit nobilem. I like to read fantasy and weird fiction. Just a few of my favorite online things: music, chess, and dungeon crawl stone soup.
06 Mar 2021, 2:45 pm
