Wishy washy friend

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As I had talked about before, a friend of mine had been living on the opposite side of town, a long ways away from some others friends and I. During that time, we he started meeting new friends and as well as dating them. Meanwhile, he started ghosting us and not acknowledging us. Other WP members told me to just block him, which I have.

Another good friend of mine stated that he had texted him out of the blue and said that he is now living back at his dad's house, which is not too far from where either one of us lives. He said that he moved back to his dad's house and that his lease terminated. Though I love this person, I just really feel like he is just contacting me friend because it is more convenient for him. I also feel like he is a wishy washy friend and that he has to earn our trust.

I told my other friend that this person is only contacting because it's convenient for him and that he needs to earn his trust as well. Any other tips for my other friend?

I don't see why blocking him was necessary or called for. I would have recommended just giving him space and turning your attention elsewhere.

We, as autistic people, tend to have limited social energy. Therefore we, of all people, should be understanding of the fact that it may be difficult for people to spend time getting to know their new neighbors (which was obviously an appropriate thing for him to do, given that he had moved) and still, at the same time, have time and energy left over for staying in touch with old friends on a regular basis.


Do you have any other grounds for considering him to be "wishy washy"?

I feel strongly that, as autistic people, we should refrain from judging each other by things like frequency of contact. Socializing is hard work for many of us. And many of us, myself included, go through phases of just not having the energy to reach out to other people. And, personally, I have very much appreciated the friends who stuck with me through those times.

Has he ever done anything more seriously bad than merely dropping out of touch for a while?


Well of course it's easier to contact people when it's more convenient. But has he ever actually betrayed your trust in any way?

Mona:
He is autistic but when he lived up in that area, he seemed to have an easy time making friends as well as dating them. During that time, he went to a lot of parties, all while masking.

As for the wishy washy thing, when he was living on that side of town, he never called us. Even when I texted him and wished him "Happy birthday," he ghosted me. When he was in our part of town, "Hey you want to get together?" We would always have a good time but then he would leave and communication would stop.


As for the bad things
1. He promised my other friend that he was going to meet him for lunch before bailing on him and stating that he had to meet his dad. However, evidence later showed he had gotten together with his friends for lunch.
2.I recently celebrated a major achievement and I had attempted to reach out but he ignored that too. I was upset because he was not there for me because he's been like a brother to me in the past.
3. My other friend called him up and reached out but things were one-sided.


I also would not say that he betrayed us in any way, I just felt like he met these new people and just started acting like he was too good for us. Even when we got together the last few times, he seemed to show us all these pictures and talk about how much fun he had with them. Yet, he has never bothered to introduce us to any of them. I would have liked to have met them as they sound like neat people who are lots of fun. I suppose I am a little jealous of them.

I have a crush on one of his closest friends from that group too.

Masking (or, at least, masking of the kind that involves imitating NT body language) is notoriously exhausting. No wonder he didn't have much energy left over for staying in touch with his old friends.


Sounds to me like social exhaustion on his end.


Yep, that's not just annoying but insulting. Hopefully at some point you can have a talk with him about this, if you have not done so already?


Yes that must have been very disappointing. If he now wants to be friends with you again, now would probably be a good time to have a talk with him about this, if you have not done so already.

But it seems to me that such a conversation is likely to be productive only if you accept the reality of social overload and/or executive functioning limitations that may be making social reciprocity very hard for him, especially with multiple groups of friends. The question should be how he can treat you and his other old friends better despite those limitations.


Did you ever ask him to introduce you to that friend, or to any of the other people he told you about?

Mona,

My other friend did confront him about breaking his promise and lying to him like that but he got an attitude and blamed my other friend for not understanding that plans change. During the last year, he has either been ghosting us or has been dismissive.

As for the part where he gets burned out, I would have never thought of that, and it sounds like he went to lots of dances and other activities at his church.

However, it was his priority to make friends with some people who seemed "Awesome and cool" but he didn't get much of that in the area where I live. Most of the time, people kept brushing him off. He also wants to get married and start a family.

As for him introducing my to his cute friend, I hinted that to him several times and even texting him from my friend's phone.


When it boils down to things though, he and I have a brother and sister relationship and we had been close for 16 years. I have been mad at him because I feel like he abandoned me for these new friends. However, they sound like really fun and positive people .

ST, it sounds like you appreciate some of the qualities this person has, but he is emotionally incapable of reciprocating what you offer him. While perhaps not an "emotional vampire" he sounds like an "emotional leech": he's still feeding off of you. No, perhaps he's not behaving this way out of malice, but it's still not healthy for you either, no? This is the type of person you just need to keep at an arm's length just to protect yourself. One of my favorite saying is, "The road to hell is paved by good intentions." Don't create your own hell by trying to be nice to someone who isn't being nice back.

This may sound corny, but, try it! Look into a mirror and ask yourself, "Do I not deserve good things too?" Hopefully this will allow you some introspection: don't you deserve for your friends to be nice to you.

And no, I'm not saying you can't be friends with this person, just let him do some of the (expletive deleted) work for once: he either will or he won't!

Be safe

DIVAIR

DIVAR - Thank you. Yes, I have looked in a mirror myself and I do something very similar.

As for this friend, I would have never thought of him as a leech and certainly not someone who is maligned. I don't think things have been one-sided between us. The problem is that he only contacts us when he does not have other cool people or a girlfriend to date. Then it's "Yeah, I'm available. Let's go hang out."


He also has the tendency to be a little arrogant and has been condescending with me in the past.
1. He gives me weird looks if I seem to "Embarrass him public."
2. He calls me "Sweetie,"
3. "Sweetie, you need to do this or that,"

He's a good person, I just think he's wishy washy

This was a wise message, I liked your advice. I need to be more accepting of ghosting/distancing I guess. People just sometimes need to fade. The trick is not taking it personally.