The Key to Charisma: Having Genuine Empathy

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Having genuine empathy for the person you're talking to. Being interested in their interests. Listening. Asking questions. Thinking about their wants and their perspective.

When I was younger, I thought charisma was more about the aesthetic: manners, tone of voice, gestures, posture, how you dress. Or maybe about the content: being intelligent, good conversations, humor.

These have a role, but there's more to it than that:

Many of us are confused on what to say in the situation. Always feeling like we don't know the right thing to say in the situation. Is there a rule, protocol, plan, formula, system, whatever of some kind that can guide us on what to do?

But being in tune with what the other person wants and feels will naturally solve this in many cases. You'll know what to say/not to say just by being aware of their interests.

And that's the difference between 20 year old me vs. 29 year old me. In the past, I'd try to appear charismatic and be impressive. Sort of like I was practicing talking to a mirror, at expense of genuinely connecting with the other person. I'd get so lost in thinking of what I was going to say or how I was presenting myself, that I paid less attention to the other person.

But I'm changing that. It's not easy for an Aspie to change a habit socially. It doesn't happen overnight, but I'm on the right path.

I heard the saying "interested is interesting" when I was younger. I didn't fully grasp the significance, but I do now.

I will express empathy for others when others start expressing empathy for me.

Well ... you kind of deflect empathy, you know? I think of you as strong and unassailable, so what's to empathize with?

Hmm ... so do you think I would be better off to act more vulnerable and uncertain?  Here are some examples I could try:

"I don't know why nobody likes me ... I have been treated badly by everyone I know ... I have no friends ... I have a lousy job ... I live in a hostile neighborhood ... I have neighbors who point at me and laugh ... I get talked about behind my back all the time ..."

What do you think?  Is it a little over-the-top?  I cannot always tell, y'know.

But do you want that kind of empathy? I did not get the sense that you were serious.

But what if the other person is thinking the same thing? What if someone is waiting for you to open up to them before they will open up to you. Then it's a vicious cycle.

My attitude is that I'll be the first one to open the door. If they reciprocate, great. If not, then move on.

I was being sarcastic, but you probably knew that; and no, I do not want the kind of "empathy" given to people who constantly blubber and moan about everything that is wrong in their lives -- I do not want pity.There is nothing vicious about it.  There is no reason to "open up" at all; and that is what is wrong with society right now, too many people want to "open up" about every one of their little problems without ever wanting to do anything to resolve them.  Today's social standards prioritize expressing one's feelings over doing anything about them.  Today's social standards suck.While you are holding the door open, be sure to move your virtuous attitude to one side so that others may comfortably pass by.

I guess empathy is something I'm not invested in, one way or the other. At my (advanced) age, I'm not looking to change much. Take me or leave me.

I think what you are talking about is called "character" in people our age.

Well I think all these things play a larger role in charisma than empathy (if empathy plays a role at all). Someone could be the most empathetic person in the world, but not show the empathy in a way that touches other people, and that person won't be seen as charismatic.

But understanding the other person's needs is what helps the other things.

If you understand what the other persons wants/needs are, then you also know:
* What subjects to talk about
* What humor works/doesn't work with them
* What kind of demeanor to have appropriate to the situation

Hear, hear.

I seldom get along--conversationally--except with people who I know share a particular interest that we can talk about (e.g. other engineer-types, parents of similar kids, etc.)

My problem, though, is I seem to have a block about being able to listen--really listen & "see" a person for more than their words--while simultaneously being able to talk. (Again, unless I already know & have decent interest & knowledge of their topic or the idea(s) being discussed. In that case, it's not empathy but a shared idea knowledge.)

I just came across an enlightening video/therapy-excerpt that made an interesting distinction between empathy and compassion:

"Empathy is: I understand exactly how you're feeling. (That's going to be a hard one for you.)
Compassion is: I may not know exactly how you are feeling or why you are feeling that way, but you're important to me and I want to do whatever I can do to reduce your suffering ...[that is within my power]"


Compassion is an Action: You Can Do This! (a message to men on the autism spectrum)

Personally, I express that strong interest with people who are both confident professionally, and are terrific people in their personal lives. (yes, people who tend to be liberal-leaning centrists).

Outside of family friends and relatives, I do not know such people personally - that is I'm impressed with such people through PBS-TV, and MSNBC news shows, and feature shows.

I feel it is a must to develop friendships with confident people - esp. if they have that ample understanding with High Functioning Autism (HFA) "yes, I know, easier said (and written) than done!"

There are plenty of charismatic people out there who lack empathy.

This is true. There are people with sociopathic tendencies that may not have empathy themselves, but they are aware of the other persons emotions, can read the situation and are socially adept enough to fake empathy.

But many people on the autism spectrum are the opposite: they have empathy but are untalented at social skills.

Play to your strengths. Many people on the autism spectrum aren't good at acting and trickery. For them, it's easiest to just genuinely ask questions to the other person and learn about their needs.