Mom Pretending to Listen

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I'm not sure if this is the right forum, if not, my apologies.

My Mom always listens to me when she can, even when she's not interested in what I have to say. I appreciate that. And even though most of my life is technical in nature, she still tries her best to understand me.

However, she takes listening to me a bit too far. There are times when I attempt to talk to her that she's busy concentrating on something else. Obviously, she cannot listen to me under these circumstances, but though I'm getting better all the time at detecting them, I frequently fail to do so.

In these circumstances, I would like her to quickly say "Not now.". I would then immediately shut up. I wouldn't even need to know why she was needing to concentrate, I'd be able to figure it out. That would be enough to help me.

Unfortunately, this is not what she does under these circumstances. Instead, she starts pretending to listen. While it's usually pretty blatant she's doing this, it isn't always immediately obvious. It pisses me off because:

- it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me to be able to shut up.
- it insults my intelligence that I wouldn't be able to figure out she's ignoring me.
- I waste my breath talking to a brick wall.
- there is no way to express my frustration after the incident, because she cannot hear me.
- it gives her the unecessary stress of having to "keep up the act".

I've talked to her about this already. In fact, I've been nagging her to stop doing it for years. The problem is, she can't understand what I'm asking her to do. I just want her to be honest by telling me she can't listen at the moment. She seems to think I'm demanding she listen to me anyway, no matter what she's doing. Obviously, since she cannot fulfill her twisted version of my demand, the problem continues.

For a while, I considered the posibility that it required too much concentration on her part to say "Not now.", and she thus had no means of warning me anyway. This theory was disproven by the incident just a few minutes ago.

We've been trying to get me a new computer. Mom had given me the option of getting a Dual Core Processor with an SLI interface for the video card, or a Quad Core Processor but no SLI. I came back into the room after some careful thought, Googling, and consulting my brother to explain to her than since SLI doesn't support my second monitor, and can't run games properly in windowed mode, it would be useless to me anyway. I was going to explain how I use windowed mode as a way of avoiding having to run the LCD at less than its native resolution when a game cannot run that high. However, when I entered the room, she was busy playing World of Warcraft. Because she was fighting an enemy that was about to kill her, I detected the situation and waited for her to either die or kill the enemy. When she won the battle, I then proceeded to explain to her how horribly blotchy the screen would look under a different resolution, and how I'd need windowed mode. I knew right away she was ignoring me because she told me how cool it was that my LCD couldn't run different resolutions nicely, and with a big smile. I acted pissed, and left the room. As I left, she called out to me that she simply couldn't concentrate on what I was saying and play WoW at the same time, and how she had tried her best. This demonstrated once again that she had no idea what I was even asking her to do. It also demonstrated she was capable of sending complex messages to me during a time of concentration, which meant she could easily say "Not now."

Don't get me wrong here, my Mom is awsome, particularly when you consider the fact that many aspies end up with really crappy parents. This is, quite literally, the only thing she's doing wrong at all. Still, it's a very annoying problem, and I can only deal with it for so much longer. It's affecting our relationship too, as I can't help but to act increasingly pissed off each time she does it, and she keeps thinking I'm demanding she listen no matter what, which can't be good for her opinion of me.

I'm wondering if anyone has advice for how I can resolve this, perhaps some way I can communicate to her what I actually want from her, or maybe just a way I can better live with the problem without resolving it. Maybe others on here are having similar problems? My Mom isn't the only one where I've had issues with communication.

Why dont you send her this post by email,I find it much easier for me to be clear in my writing then my verbal communication.I dont think you have written anything that she would be insulted or offended by,it is just a matter of her not really getting what you are asking....maybe it is easier for her to understand by reading it then hearing it(seems that way for me,many times.)

On a personal level,my BF and I go through this constantly.My obsession is my work and WP,he could care less about either but i have a need to share with him as a way to feel "bonded" and more thatn just roommates.His obsession is guitars....boring as hell to me.I do stop what I ma doing and try and concentrate on what he is saying but it isnt easy when I am doing my own thing(which is 100% of the time,I am never just sitting doing nothing,lol)So,I dont think your mom means to be "patronising" by only half listening...she sounds pretty typical AS(I think many AS females are unDX,where do you think you got some of your traits... )....torn between her need to do her interest/activity and desire to be closer to you.