Making friends as adult

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I can (painfully) relate

/Mats

If I still had a full-time job-away-from-home, and if wanted to make friends with a longtime colleague, I certainly wouldn't invite them to visit me at home right away. I'd invite them to have dinner with me at a nearby restaurant right after work. And I'd probably invite a few longtime co-workers, not just one.

Personally, though, I've usually steered clear of trying to make friends at work.

This hurts my soul!

Seriously though, it would be nice if I knew how to make a friend.

There's lots of things I know how to make.

Sadly friends don't seem to be one of them.

Yes.
I personally don't ever try to make friends, or girlfriends. It has always been something that just magically happens and I don't really think one can make it happen.
The problem for me now is that I live in a city that has virtually no activities, clubs etc that I'm interested in, so the only way I can hope to make friends is via work.
But I agree about not being too pushy (I guess), inviting someone home seems weird, the biggest step I've taken is asking them out for lunch!
I'd prefer being with one person though, unless the third (or more) are already good friends.

/Mats

I agree. While advice and self-improvement are good, they can only go so far. Most interpersonal relationships happen naturally, organically, without much conscious effort. Once conscious effort becomes a factor, it's already somewhat unnatrual.

In my experience, this is truer for romantic relationships than for friendships. In both cases, however, there are certainly plenty of things one can do to increase the odds.


Have you ever considered starting your own group devoted to some hobby of yours, e.g. via Meetup?

No, I don't think Meetup is very popular here, but there may be other tools.
I use a couple of internet forums, but it's hard to find 1. People who are really interested, 2. People who actually know stuff, and 3. People within a reasonable distance from me.
What I have done is trying to engage with some sailing clubs (we typically don't have marinas, so most people with boats are members of such clubs).
Problem there was that the people in general had a bad combination of not knowing so much but thought they were experts. Alcohol was quite popular too.
An idea I had was to buy or build a cabin in the woods and try to build some sort of community there for artists, but I'm a bit worried that it would end up a place for alcohol and drug consumtion.

/Mats

Building a "community" without first building a group seems to me to be putting the cart before the horse. I wouldn't try to build a "community" without first finding a bunch of potentially interested people with some relevant thing in common.

Anyhow, since you were thinking about a community of "artists," but are worried about drug/alcohol consumption, how about first building a group of clean and sober artists?

You're probably right.
I was thinking of it being a private hideout to begin with. The idea was that it would be easier to gather people if I had something to offer. It would also be easier, I believe, to find others if there was a natural meeting place.
Anyways, I've ditched the idea. Too complicated and too much work.

/Mats

ouch . . .
and
yah

Maybe things work differently in your country, but, here in the U.S.A. at least, groups usually start by meeting in a restaurant or bar, and then, when they get up to a dozen or so regularly attendees, graduate to renting space in a church, library, school, social hall, or (in NYC) rehearsal studio or convention center, and only then, after the group is formally organized and has developed the capacity to raise significant amounts of money, think about purchasing or building one's own space.

Given the COVID crisis, I would suggest that you start with a small online group of clean and sober artists, with the plan of meeting in an inexpensive restaurant when COVID finally gets under control for good.

One option for "making friends" (or at least "meeting people" and "making acquaintances") is volunteering.
The difference between a club and a volunteer organization is that the volunteer organization usually already has something to do and the need and want warm bodies to help get it done. My son is ADHD and ASD volunteered at the local library.
He also volunteered to teach at his karate school (another way to "meeting people" and "making acquaintances" - take a class in something). I volunteer with the Boy Scouts and with some charities associated with my church. My son "joined" the Boy Scouts (we payed "dues" for membership - and we still volunteered out time too). As an older Scout my son volunteered for leadership positions, teaching positions, and participated in "cleanup days" and other Service Projects (like gathering food for the poor). I also volunteered for leadership, teaching and service. Some of it was fun. It also triggered my social anxiety and sometimes left me overwhelmed and trying to cope. Even with that, I find it easier to do than the kind of "making friends" shown (joked about in a HHOS way) in the video.

A well-organized hobby-oriented club has things to do also.

But I agree that volunteer organizations can be an excellent way to make friends -- if the organization is doing something you personally believe in and care about.

I wouldn't recommend volunteer work as a social avenue for someone who doesn't actually care about what the group is doing. If you don't care, then the work will just be a time-consuming unpaid chore. You won't do a good job and it won't help you bond emotionally with those who do care.

But, if you do care, then you can probably experience not just companionship but also comradeship with at least some of the others who care.


Agreed.

(I personally hope to make friends with people who share my passion for building a more-organized autistic community.)

I have one online friend, and that's sufficient. Still, the struggle of making friends once you're beyond school age is real. The adult world is very closed off, and work keeps people alienated from each other, in my opinion.