Is it OK to give up?

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My partner recently introduced me to some new friends she'd made. They're a nice couple, I can chat with them.

They've recently invited us both to a party they're throwing. I've told my partner that I don't want to go, but I'm happy for her to go.

Up until recently, I've tried to push myself to be more sociable. I want to be sociable, on some level. But I've been alive for over 40 years now and I know that parties aren't fun for me. I struggle with the noise, the unfamiliar people, the expectation to be sociable. I don't drink and don't enjoy drunk people much. I can fake it for about 10 minutes, then I end up withdrawing, shutting down and giving myself a hard time.

My partner would prefer I went, she has some social anxieties herself and would appreciate my support but I know once we get there she will relax and start talking to people while I will be left struggling and wanting to go home. She understands how I feel and won't pressure me but I still feel I'm letting her down a bit.

I also feel guilty for these new friends, who I do like. They're new to the area and don't know many people and it's hard to throw a party, I think, so I don't want to be all "I don't want to come to your party". I'm happy to tell them why, I don't feel the need to make up an excuse.

Part of me is cross with myself for giving up. There's still some belief somewhere that I can beat this problem with persistence, if I just keep trying I'll learn how to 'be' at a party. Despite the evidence.

But there's a growing part that just says, I'm done. I'm not doing it any more.

Is that okay?

Of course it's OK!

I think it's better to socialise within an environment that you are more comfortable in. Socialising is already hard, trying to do it in a situation that is difficult just makes it an even more unpleasant experience and will make you avoid it even more. If parties don't work for you, then I think it's fine to explain that and maybe suggest doing something else with these new friends that would make it easier for you? If they are new to the area perhaps suggest taking them to places that you like going to. I'm not sure since I don't know what you are happy with doing. Just an idea.

I'm exactly the same, I've not ever been to any parties and I avoid them, but I'm happy to maybe go out with a friend for a coffee or something.

I’ve been so much happier since I gave up trying to go to parties, even to family get togethers.

I would just bring a book, or my tablet, and just read the night away.

I haven’t been to a “party” in years. I wish my wife would go to some parties. She likes that stuff.

There are other ways of socialising other than parties.

I wouldn’t call it “giving up.”

“Giving up” would imply that you’ve “given up” on people permanently.

No, I mean giving up on pushing myself to try to find a way to handle these sorts of things. It's a constant internal battle between what I think I should be able to do and what I can actually do.

If you don't want to do these things, find them stressful, and don't get anything out of them, then it's absolutely okay to stop! Parties are far from the only way to be sociable. I also want to be social to a certain extent - more like, I enjoy close relationships - but I'm a disaster at parties or get togethers.

Related question: is that still what parties are like when you're 40? I haven't been to an actual one in years and hoped people would've stopped that by this point.

Anyway, if you can manage 10 minutes, and you feel like you're letting your partner down, would it be practical for you to just stay for a few minutes, and pick her up when the party's over? Tell the hosts, "Oh I'm just here for a couple of minutes, I have to go do thing X". This part should be easier for you since you said you're okay with telling them the real reason. You get to be around for a little bit without overtaxing yourself, and she gets to have your presence during the point when she most needs it.

I've been to a couple of work get togethers, but not an actual party since college. Maybe things are different in this age bracket, but back then I found if I got to the party earlier there were fewer people, and they were usually less drunk. I didn't particular enjoy the few gatherings I've gone to in recent years. Some aspects of it are nice, but I usually end up with significant difficulties verbalizing due to all the stuff going on, and parsing the different social context. That usually wrecks things pretty quickly.

Anyway it sounds like you've been trying this for years without much success, so maybe parties just aren't your thing. They aren't my thing (or my NT partner's thing for that matter), and I have a social life that is significantly more fulfilling than average for my gender and age, even among NTs. It's 100% okay to not do this if you don't enjoy it. It's one optional way of socializing, not the only choice.

I haven't been to a party with drunk people in many years.

Like the above poster said, people should get out of their college years, and stay sober when hanging out.

You'd think wouldn't you? My (limited) experience says otherwise. I think it may be because when you get older the opportunities to let your hair down are significantly lessened. A proper party where you're around peers and you've got a babysitter arranged and you don't have to work in the morning - that becomes a real rarity once you're out of your 20s and the tendency seems to be to milk it for all its worth. Maybe that's a UK thing - we have a pretty messed up relationship with alcohol on the whole.

Based on your description I think that giving up is not only ok, but the best course of action

Not everything is possible

Not everything that is possible, is worth the energy it takes to get there

Your partner could dump you, but sometimes compromises are not justified

I dunno...
If you give up completely you might become marginalised, with no-one seeing you as their friend, but rather as your partner's antisocial and uncaring other. And then if you end up completely reliant on your partner for all your social needs, that might get a bit claustrophobic for one or both of you.
I believe the trick may be to go to the event but not to care too much about putting on your mask and being social. Like Kraftie said, take a book or some music, put your headphones on if you like, and just do your own thing.
Then at least they can see you and get a bit of interaction with you, even if it is limited to an explanation of why you can't really join in the conversation at this moment, and how it's nothing personal.

It's in the past now, and I didn't go, but yes this is the sort of thing I worry about. I've since found out it was sort of a birthday thing for one of the hosts and was under-attended so now I feel worse about not forcing myself to go.

I'm confused about the taking a book advice though. I do this often, like when I take my kid to a birthday party or something, I'll sit and read so I don't have to talk to other parents. But it seems to me to be ruder to go to a party you've been invited to and then act disinterested in this way, than to just explain you don't enjoy parties and not go at all. I don't know.