I don't want pity friendship

Post Reply New Topic

I don't want people to feel obligated to spend time with me out of pity if they really don't like me or enjoy my company.

My friend wants to invite along a person I don't like to things we do. This person is the bad kind of weird. The negative, draining, angry type. I've known her most of my life so no, spending more time with her won't help me get to know her better.

She has no friends because she's not very nice and I don't have the energy to waste on some one who isn't pleasant and won't learn to be.

I feel like I've given up so much of my time for people I don't like. Is pity friendship really going to help these people.

I don't want pity friendship. If you don't like me that's ok. I don't subscribe to this idea that you can like anyone given enough the. It's not true.

Yeah, that sounds like a real waste of time, and totally draining.

Welcome back

I'm just here for a moan.

I don't understand people who are rude and who fly off the handle over small things who then turn round and cry about why no one likes them.

Of you have the emotional regulation of a toddler adults aren't going to enjoy your company. Fact.

I think they are looking for what they never got as a child. They seem locked in some earlier age of development.

Sometimes to understand people I imagine they see me as their parent, and I view their behavior as an attempt at fulfilling an unmet need. In this case, the person is looking for someone to validate her pain. It's obnoxious and toxic in a friendly context, but makes total sense in a child-parent context.

Actually that's quite a helpful way to view it.

I think my frustration is that my parents are like that and I was "parentified" young so I'm tired of other adults doing that to me too

Camel's back broke.

But then it's had the effect of making me feel like I don't want to be a burden to anyone myself

Perhaps introduce such people to other people you know with similar personalities and see if they can get along with each other?

Have you told your friend that you just don't get along with hot-tempered people?

Same! ...Most of the time. Sometimes I'm so lonely that I could hang out and do something nice with someone even if I knew they didn't really want to.

As a teenager, I had a chance to get some sort of support person who would've come to hang out with me and we could've apparently gone to the city too, but I didn't agree to it because I didn't want to hang out with someone as just some charity, but now, if I could take that decision back I would. It could've turned in to real friendship, and even if it didn't, I could've learned certain things at an earlier age if this person would've taught me. I've also been suggested to volunteer for such a thing myself, and that's something I'm actually gonna look in to once my health is under control a bit better.



Can you just suggest that your friend would hang out with that person and you separately? That way you don't have to deal with it.

I don’t think that’s a pity pity friendship, rather someone inviting another person.

"Hot-tempered". Thanks. That's a tactful way of putting it. I love how you've got to the root of the problem. Yes, volatile people make me feel not good.

I managed to introduce to different other friends recently and they really got on well, so you never know. Maybe I could find her a good friend. Maybe with these 2.

It could work out well in the end.

I do feel for her.

I feel like I was the one being fake here. I feel bad about being a pity friend, like it's not real and I was thinking how I might feel in her shoes.

I would not say you are being fake, it sounds like you aren’t aren’t comfortable having this person along because they are negative.

I don't bother hanging out with unpleasant people with volatile tempers.

People who are hot-tempered, and unpleasant in general, should take a good look at themselves in the mirror!

I couldn´t agree more.

Unfortunately, I have experienced friends back in time who had a short temper and when I finally found some courage and questioned the unnecessarily unfriendly way, I got the answer "you have to accept how I am" but why should I? I want to hang out with people who are even in their mood, not someone who is suddenly angry or pissed off for no reason just because "I'm like this, take it or leave it" so yes, go ahead and find another friend who can stand it, that friendship died and I don´t miss it.

I find that most people who are short tempered like that can’t stand me. They always find a way to put a distance between myself and them.

Why?
A. Most people like that are too controlling, I am too independent
B. I am too honest and nor am I willing to step on eggshells around them

For example, I used to be friends with this guy and his family who I met at a congregation. I soon learned that everyone had to tiptoe around him. You never knew when he was going to blow up next. He decided he didn’t like me and didn’t want his family associating with me.

One person's "pity" is another person's compassion. I know I'm in the minority on this one, but I think it can be healthy to put the needs of others before our own sometimes.

I'm not a friendly person, or a freindmaker, generally. I'm naturally not inclined towards that. I'm perfectly content on my own. But then there are downsides. A sense of alienation. But still, friendship is overrated. I can never really trust people. Actually I think people aggravate me...I don't really know how to balance that all out....Aspergers. I blame That. It's innate. It's a pattern of thinking that has dominated my life. "Special interests" have always held more importance.