Am I wrong for excluding my sister?

Post Reply New Topic

So, for context I'm 22 and my sister is 28. Lately she's been wanting to meet my friends and organise a hang out, but I don't think my friends would be interested in this idea. Perhaps a couple of them would be up for it, but I worry that she might feel out of place. I get the impression that the expectations she has of what my friends are like vary greatly from the reality.

On the one hand, I understand why she wants to be more involved in my life. She's explained that a fair amount of her friends live far away and / or are getting married and having children. That she feels left behind to a certain extent. However, on the other, I enjoy having a life outside of my family. There are topics which I'd never in a million years discuss around family but I like to talk about with my friends. I like keeping the two groups separate for the most part.

There are certainly tales my friends could tell which if my sister found out about, she could embarrass me by telling our parents. I'm not sure I trust my friends enough to not reveal such information. Perhaps I could purely invite the most trustworthy friends who are unlikely to reveal any embarrassing stories. To be fair, she definitely has enough material to expose my top ten worst moments, so perhaps my concern should be the other way around!

I suppose one hang out couldn't hurt, but it might be tricky to get others on board since my friends don't know my sister and may struggle to find common ground.

Sounds like sis could use the company. Maybe find an activity together and try to develop a mutual friend. I always kept family and friends separate but then shunned most of my family. Maybe take my advice with that in mind.

I find this very hard to relate. My siblings (sister and brother) were very different to me and from school went on a completely different social trajectory. I couldn't imagine mixing with my siblings friends (particularly my sister's friends who were rich snobs).

Likewise my sister or brother would not have wanted to mix with my friends. I agree it's probably better to keep family and friends separate. However everyone's social dynamics are different so it depends on how close you grew up with your sister/friends. Sometimes sibling friends who grew up together can be mutual friends as well (it tends to work more when the age gap between siblings is small).

Based on reading your post, you don't have to introduce her to everyone, maybe some of your friends who sound interested. However, do you know of any adult autism support groups that she might be interested in? She could probably meet some other people on the spectrum who she has similar interests with.

Also, as far as dating goes, maybe introduce to her some of your friends because they may know some people who she may like.

I am only imagining this, but it seems to me the older sister may be unable/unwilling to form a relationship with a man her own age, and is instead hoping to find a younger and more malleable man in her brother's circle of friends.

Her boyfriend of six years would disagree.

She's going to move in with him soon. They've been saving up for a place. Also, brother? I think you mean sister. We don't have a brother.



Sorry, I probably should've clarified that my sister is neurotypical. Well, except for her dyslexic tendencies. I don't think she's dyslexic since she doesn't have any difficulty reading (yet she does often forget the spelling of basic words). Our dad has dyslexia. I find that it tends to present differently and to different extremes depending on the family member. Personally, my issues are more numerical in nature.

I stand corrected.

I can certainly relate to the desire to keep friends and family separate. I too have done this for pretty my entire adult life, and for similar reasons.

Perhaps you could suggest to your sister some alternate means of getting more of a social life? For example, perhaps you could find some groups relevant to her hobbies/interests (if any) via Meetup.com? And, if and when the pandemic dies down enough for these groups to meet in person, perhaps you could accompany her to her first meeting or two, if that would help her feel less awkward?

It sounds like she's lonely but it also sounds like she is willing to be accepting of people on the spectrum if she wants to meet your friends.

It took a while for me to come around, but I now agree with Summer's assessment -- the sister is lonely and looking for new friends.

So, back to the original question: Are you wrong for excluding your sister?

Tough call.

Were I in your shoes, I might give her a chance.

If it feels promising, maybe a group outing with one of your friends, you, and your sister.

But this big mega-event she seems to have in mind has fiasco written all over it.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all, you do not owe them your friends. that being said i do not envy her feeling of being left behind and I think it would be very nice if you did throw her a bone on this one.