I just found out my friend has autism!

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, I am neurotypical. I grew up in a country does not have much information about mental health or mental issues or so. But when I came to USA, everybody look at this matter seriously and always find best way to support them. And so this is my story. I am sorry if any of my language make you feel offended, please understand I don't mean to, I just tell how I feel from my side.

I met a male friend, early 30. My first impression: he was friendly and relax and I can feel he has vibe of sadness sometimes. We chat everyday, from morning until night, in months. He talks a lot, I mean, A LOT. And there was some moments I felt he was odd, like he talks random things, something he just say it without really care how I feel. Example : "your cheek look weird" but I don't really hold those things too tight. I just think everybody is different in expressing an opinion. To me, he was odd in some way but also interesting in other way, so I keep listening and try to understand him at much as possible. But, I didn't know he has autism until recently by our mutual friend. So at beginning, I acted like I act around my other friends, I teased him, sarcasm and he told me he doesn't get those things and doesn't like them, he just believe what I say. I thought this guy either lying or too serious.

There was one time, he said "my wish is you won't complain about me anymore", I was like "what ? when did I complain about you?" and he freaked out, he message me non-stop and explain he didn't mean bad, and I was surprised because I wasn't mad, I was just try to ask when did I make he feel I complain about him, to me it was a normal conversation but he was really confused and scared and said he need a break then we break for 3 days, not talking. This time, I noticed, he stress easily.

After that, we back to talking and he said he need someone more positive. I was like "huh..." I don't really know what he meant. He complained about his friends, work and all, I always listen but when I tell him about my friends, my life, he said "why you always complaining" so I stop talking about me, I let him talk. When we hang out, I notice he is very socially awkward, at first I felt...weird, when he and I went in a restaurant he opened the door and closed it, in front of my face who walked behind him, and other times when I hold a bunch of to-go food but he didn't say "let me help" or so, even when we crossed the street, he just kept going straight without look to see if I was there, or he told me to come to his place at 2pm to go to an event and I was there on time, then he walked around reorganized some of his things, and this that,....It was just things out of ordinary for me, I thought it was personality. Ah, also, he doesn't make eyes contact, I was upset since I thought he was lying or hiding something.

He sometimes act like a man, sometimes just like a child, if he gives me a soda and I said no, he would pout at me, and said "you don't like my soda" and so I drank it and said I like it . Over time I saw that he like to be noticed and like to be in control, when he said something, he likes me to accept it instead of having different opinion. If I don't agree with him in anything...omg big deal ! ! I actually feel I had to change a lot to accommodate him. Sometimes he came home after work at 10pm and he messaged me he was needy, then I stayed up late reassured him everything will be fine. And after being a child, he turned into a philosopher and talked about world peace. I had hard time to catch up with his mind and his mood - sometimes happy sometimes grumpy, change in 5 minutes.

Whenever we talk I have to be very careful because he think literal. If I said I like the necklace he wear, he would wear it everyday. And if I said "the blue one look better on you" then 3 months later he would say out of the blue "well...since you think blue is better on me, I won't wear black, even though I like black" Omg he remember everything I said, I was scared.

He always tell me to be nice and gentle on him because he is very sensitive. I thought how can a man be THAT sensitive, and so sometimes insensitive words slipped out of my mouth, and guess what, I thought he may not notice but 1 week later, he brought it up " that day...that time...that moment...you said... next time say like this...." Wow!

I like to be friend to him, but I admit that I felt overwhelmed and some things he said without consider other's feeling can make me uncomfortable. He told me he mostly lonely in his life. I kind of know why. Because most of people would give up on him.

One day, in the morning, he messaged me his opinion about something I said the night before, but that morning I was upset because a personal problem so I told him he is too complicated I don't know what to say anymore. BOOM! I forgot the rule "he think and believe literal" so he thought I don't want to talk to him anymore so he blocked me everywhere. I was surprised, because I thought he would talk to me to see what was going on or would tell me he doesn't like that. But this time I guess I really blew thing up and it seems like the closer the person to him, the more their words affect him. So to me, what I said may not that serious, but to him, he must hurt deeply.

When I talked to other friends, they said he was too sensitive, just drop him. But I still think he is a good friend that I don't want to give him up. So I talked to our mutual friend, who knew him for a very long time and she said he has autism, because she used to lead a support group for autistic people. And I looked it up to see what was really is autism and most of symptoms and signs are just match him. So things doesn't make sense before, are all make sense now.

I sent him a written apology letter to his place and our friend will try to talk to him to tell him I didn't mean to.
I don't know why I keep fighting for this person, but I think with the bond we had, it worth fighting for, until I really tried my best but he doesn't want to be friend with me anymore. Ah, even my apology letter I wrote in most sincere way I can be, but I don't know how he will perceive it. If he still empathy for me, it will be "aww ok", if he already hates me then "she is too much!!". So wish me luck!

My opinion: he sounds like he’s not sensitive to other people, and he doesn’t seem like a good friend. Your relationship is not mutually beneficial, so it’s not good for you.

If you like this man, anyway, just don’t have too much expectations for him. Or, you could actively help him improve. Maybe he’ll benefit. Maybe he won’t.

Thank you. I do take your opinion into account. I think he just bail on someone when he sees something he doesn't like in a person and move on to new person, and keep going that circle. With that, I think he will learn best from his time of living, nobody can tell him his problem.
From my side, after I did my best, I will be at peace the rest of life, so if one day I thought about it, I can say "hey I wasn't the one give up on the friendship, it was him"

Yep. That’s the way to think about this.