A lot of my social problems are just slow processing speed

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It’s extremely frustrating. I understand social norms pretty well in the abstract and even see social mistakes other people make, but in a real life conversation (especially a group conversation) everything goes way too fast for me and I can’t think quickly enough to make the right decisions. It’s painful looking back on a conversation after it’s finished and realising all the things I did wrong - often I realise what I’m doing wrong *as* I’m doing it, because on the spot I can’t think of any alternative. It’s especially bad when I’m tired, how much sleep I have makes a world of difference to how well I can communicate. It makes me feel so helpless.

It has become obvious to me that neurotypicals have, to varying degrees, a direct link between perception of visual and aural cues and responses. Usually this is subliminal, as is the awareness of its absence. We, I think, have to find and fashion responses to such clues in conscious or subconscious thought, adding delays to the response and confusion as we miss the boat on appropriate response. I haven’t found a solution to the problem, unfortunately, and am consistently left behind and left out in social contexts because of it.

You're just socially awkward, not socially clueless. I'm socially awkward too. I pick up social cues OK but there are some things that I'm supposed to do that I find difficult, like being curious/interested without being mistaken for nosy, even though I can usually tell the difference when someone else is being nosy or just curious. I'm good at understanding intentions, like knowing if someone is joking with me and when they're telling me off or something, just by facial expressions and tone of voice. Occasionally the wrong reaction has come out when someone was serious with me but I thought they were joking, although I instinctively knew they weren't joking but a relaxed laugh still came out - but I've actually noticed that in a lot of people, when they're dealing with someone who always jokes but is unusually serious all of a sudden and it kind of throws you off.

I can relate to NTs and have strong bonds, like me and my NT boyfriend share a strong bond and share subliminal messages, and me and my family (mostly NTs) share a strong bond too, although with my family the bond was readymade. I can bond with colleagues too, and friends, but it depends on the person and how easy they are to talk to. I think it takes a patient and empathetic NT to let a bond build up with me, especially with women my age.

There is a program called PEERS that teach some skills, but not at the level of practicing. More theory, practice with other autistic and you do not know how you are doing in real life.

As a mother suggested, the practicing should be done with another neurotypical person. It can be even recorder and practicing three times to allow generalization.
Small talk, group conversations, improvisation, specific situations, etc.
Where is that school, it does exists ? No, as long as I know. The best is to hire somebody to be a social coach, to be able to role play, practice based on a program.

I have the same problem, especially in an informal, unfocused group conversation. I need to be able to focus on either a person or a topic. I've always thought of myself as "a deep thinker, but not a quick thinker."

Early in life I came to accept that I would never fit in socially with mainstream folks in mainstream social settings, for various reasons including the above.

So, throughout my adult life, I've always sought out fellow oddballs of one kind or another. During the past several years, I've made a point of seeking out fellow autistic people.

It also helps to live in a highly multicultural neighborhood, with immigrants from all over the world, where people in general routinely expect to work hard to understand each other.