I TRIED -- I Really Did

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I have lots of aquaintances, but no one I can really pick up the phone and call. If I called any one of them about something personal, they would act like, "Why are you calling me?"

I've been involved with a parent's group for the past year. I have to say, it's been the most difficult thing I've done in years, but I was determined to make the best of it, for my child's sake. Right from the beginning, I picked out the one lady who didn't seem to fit in either. She and I talked quite a bit, but then she ended up quitting. Part of me couldn't help but wonder if she was relieved to be rid of me -- like a bonus, or maybe even part of the reason, for leaving. I had been pushing myself out of my comfort zone to make some type of connection with each of these women. One of them seemed especially nice. Even though she didn't go out of her way to talk to me, she was friendly enough when I talked to her. I thought she and I might become friends. I have no idea how to bridge the gap between aquaintance and real friendship, but I made the attempt. I found that we had a few common interests and talked about those. I also asked how her vacations went, visits from family, etc. In short, I didn't just talk AT her. I had to call her a few times about things relating to the group. After that, I tried calling just to talk. I left a message on her machine, but she never returned the call. When I saw her a week later, she absently said something about being busy. I never tried to call again. And, of course, she never called me, unless it was about group business. It wasn't long before I started to hear about how all the women were socializing outside of the group, including her. They talked about calling each other, emailing, meeting for lunch, etc. It made me feel like a piece of gum on their shoe. I don't know what I could have done differently.

This woman has been in the counseling profession. (She left to stay home with her children) Maybe she even suspects that I have AS, yet she can't be bothered to return my friendship. None of the other women want to get roped with me either. They'll be nice, as long as they don't have to be my friend -- like pity aquaintances. I'm sure they're all feeling quite good about themselves for being nice to someone like me at all.

Scew 'em then! NT's are 2 dimensional anyway

Sometimes, I wish I could. I have to see them all about 2-4 times per week now. It's painful when I'm the one on the outside of their little groups, knowing that I tried my best, but just couldn't figure it out. It's the most hurtful when my child wonders why we don't get invited to socialize outside of the group. It's one thing when it only hurts me, but...

I'm sorry you're having trouble making friends with these women. I would be classified as being NT, but I have trouble making "real" friends as well. Far too many people are so self-absorbed. After wondering many years why, I finally gave up and just became happy with myself. I focused on my husband and my family, and let all my disappointment in other people go. When I did this, I became more comfortable with myself and not make myself too available or trying too hard, I started making friends. I have a few friends now, but I am still guarded, so I won't be disappointed. So far, so good.

Good luck.

I know what you mean, BUT, I have assumed this about other people when I have felt left out of groups, and I found that I was wrong. Don't assume that everyone feels that way. Maybe one person does, but you don't know everyone's story. I have found that I definitely feel rejected easily, but when I find out the truth, the other person was maybe having problems in their life, or they felt rejected by ME. Maybe you should reach out to one more person?

'Kay

That belief makes you 2 dimensional.

kiki3, I am sorry. I know exactly what you are referring to. I try so hard but there is seemingly an invisible gap. No one wants to be friends with an Aspie. Why are NTs so harsh? I cry over this same thing.......I really am sorry. I know what it feels like to be excluded.

I have one email acquaintance and I really like her - we sometimes send each other fun things and converse. I fully realize she has many friend and acquaitances so automatically I like her much more than I would ever be to her. I know this....unrequitted like. Or, unequal.
Anyway, one time she had sent a group email to many of her friends and 'accidentally' sent it to me too. It was an invitation to one of those planned little house-parties. Of course, I was not invited, this was sent by her as an oversight. Then, she apparently realized I received the invitation too. She replied, "Oh, you can come too, if you want." I know she was trying to make me feel better that I do not get invited to her get togethers. I would never interfere with her social life and friends. I was not upset, just a reminder of how being an Aspie sometimes hurts. She always says she likes me (but not as much as her real friends).

I totally understand, kiki3. I try so hard too. Everyone says, about me, "She's so sweet." Well, that does not make friends. I do not have that outgoing sparkling personality that is attractive to NTs.

NT's are like that a lot - not just to Aspies, but to everyone. I'm NT and I understand exactly what you're going through - it happens to me all the time. I thinkI'm a nice person and I'm friendly, but I'm very shy and people often mistake that for rudeness and exclude me. It hurts a lot to find out other people haven't bothered to make the effort and I'm sorry you're going through that.

I'm sure they don't MEAN to hurt you. I bet it just hasn't occured to them. I think you did everything you could, and they don't sound like the kind of women I'd like to be friends with. Congratulations on pushing yourself to be a part of this group. It sounds really challenging and you should be proud of what you've achieved. I don't know what to suggest! You can try to engage them and maybe even ask one or two of them out for coffee or something.. but honestly, if I was in your position I wouldn't be trying to reach out to them any more.

Kiki and others, yeah it sucks not being part of "the crowd." But, hey, as long as you keep trying to learn the rules of engagement, you will learn more and more about how the NT socializing world works. I'm fairly popular now around town, particularly at my coffeehouses and the college, but it took me years of strange, random attempts at conversation and picking up women and making male and female friends in general before I started to get the hang of this- and I still have much to learn!

Thanks, everyone! Labpet, I used to get that a lot too, "She's so sweet." Anyone who ever wrote in my school yearbook always said something about me being nice or sweet. I did value that about myself, but just once I wanted someone to say I was "so much fun" or something like that. Since I've been married and a mom, it seems like most women have looked for the worst in me. They never want to believe that another woman is sincerely nice. They prefer to think I'm a fake. I'm sure I act younger than most 35-year-olds, so that makes them wonder what's wrong with me too. They just can't figure me out, so they stay away or talk down to me, as if they're doing me a favor just by speaking to me at all.

There's a new woman in the group now who seems like she might also have trouble with social situations, so I've been engaging her in conversations. The funny thing is that when the members from last year were talking about all the new members, I mentioned that I thought she was nice. They immediately brushed it off as if they had already realized that she wasn't one of them, therefore not important enough to mention.

I can REALLY relate to this topic. I, too tried to join parenting groups in hopes to meet some new friends. I rarely did. It was like all the other women were in some kind of big clique that I wasn't invited to join. I know about leaving a message for someone, and waiting for days for them to call back, and they never do, only to find out that there was a social activity that took place at that time, and no one thought to invite you. It's been so long since I've had a real friend, that I'm not even sure how to make that step from friendly-aquaintance to friend.
In school I was always known as the "nice" one, too. Everyone who signed my books said something generic like sweet, quiet, ect... I was never really bullied in school, I was largely ignored. Still am.
I guess that we're not alone in feeling lonely, at least.

wow. These women are parent's for f**k sakes!

They should have the decency not to act all "cliquy" and snobby at their age. What kind of example are they setting for their spoiled-wastes-of-human-flesh-offspring?