Coworkers nice one day and cold the next

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Hi all, maybe it's because I work at a pool with a bunch of college students, but I've noticed this trend with most of my coworkers. One day they'll be friendly and open to talking to me and the next day they'll just avoid me and give me one word answers. As far as I know I'm doing nothing wrong and it's sort of disheartening to not be able to predict which side of my coworkers I'm going to be working with. Has anyone else had this experience before? How did you deal with it? Should I just stop trying to socialize and do an only-talk-when-spoken-to strategy?

In general I think it's best to be cautious about socializing with co-workers. Be friendly, but don't try to spend a lot of time talking to them.

It is safer to seek friendship off the job, with people who share specific interests of yours.

I've just found that is what happens with humans in general. They can be nice one day and cold the next. Who knows why. They are very easily offended and it's hard to know what we've said or done 'wrong.'

What Mona says is good: socialise with people outside work, not co-workers. Because co-workers are not your friends, they are your competitors.

I've never took it as if they have been offended.

I do it myself. I can talk to someone one day and be quite happy and then the next day I just can't be bothered. It's nothing they have done and it's not because I don't like them.

I find with work most people are just trying to get through the day the best way they can. I've had colleagues who have made my day go in a flash because they're fun to be around and I've had colleagues who just send me under and I would avoid at all costs.

Not saying that's the case for you.

My classmates were like this at school. I have some memories of being included and chatted to like I was another NT like them, then I have other memories of feeling isolated and excluded by the same people who suddenly seemed hostile towards me even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong.

Yes it is disheartening. It happens less to me in adulthood though.

Be as sociable as you feel like being in the moment. Other peoples behavior toward you isn't your responsibility. That's on them.

I think it's more "people have different moods" than anything to do with you. Not even the most relentlessly neurotypical NT is always in the mood for conversation. Plus, it's catching - if some of the team are feeling stressed and taciturn, the rest tend to join them in that, and the same if they're feeling relaxed and chatty. (I'm terrible for inconsistant behaviour at work myself - 75% of the time I can't cope with conversation at all, but the other 25% I can talk for England.)

Like others have said, people's moods are different day by day. Sometimes people just aren't feeling chatty. It's also fine to socialize with your coworkers, I don't really know where the sentiment of them being "competitors" comes from??? My coworkers don't act like that at all and are usually pretty friendly. Of course you can't expect everyone you meet at work to be your friend, but that goes for literally anywhere you regularly go in public.

I don't think it's about mood though. The days they'll act cold to me they'll be super talkative to everyone but me.

haha, never, ever be fooled that your coworkers are your friends. They are there to do a job and showcase their skills and talents to the boss. Of course they will be friendly to you and not act competitive, for the sake of looking good to the boss and not rocking the boat. But be sure if you were all up for a promotion, they would be stepping on you to get that promotion.

And when you leave a job, they won't keep in touch because they won't have the job in common with you anymore.

It's just what I've learned over the years of working in many different jobs. Remember that NTs aren't straightforward and open, they have lots of hidden layers, motivations and other sides to them. That's why we get confused by them.

It's better to socialise outside work.

I've had coworkers who have been very good friends and we have kept in touch even after the job. I suppose I must have been lucky. It has helped when I've worked within walking distance from home and so have my colleagues because you can socialise locally.

I've also worked at places where I wouldn't give the people who I've worked with the time of day outside of work and to be honest I struggle to give them the time of day in the workplace too.

It depends on who you work with.

This.

You might make one or two friends at work, you might not. Not every single NT has the same thoughts and motivations, and depending on your job there might not even be anything to "step over" you for (I work in a factory where literally almost no one is getting promoted out of their crappy positions, and if they are they don't want to be because it involves extra work for minimal/no extra pay lol). Don't rely on making friends at work, but also don't stress too much about the other people there and things should be fine.

At work, the best way seems to be, "Friendly, but not a friend".  This means such behaviors as using common civility, showing proper respect, and "pulling your own weight".  It also means prioritizing work over relationships, under-sharing personal information ("Don't Ask / Don't Tell" has more than one application), and performing and requesting few (if any) personal favors.  The workplace should not be treated as a dating service, adult day-care center, group therapy session, or social club, but as a team activity.

Being aware of coworkers' moods is a good skill to have, but treating their moods as your responsibility is not wise -- unless you caused a problem that someone else has to correct -- you are responsible for YOUR emotions, feelings, and moods, just as everyone else is responsible for theirs.  Of course, this means that no one is responsible for your emotions, feelings, or moods either.

I know that last paragraph seems radically incorrect to some, but I have found that it is the best way to survive in a business environment.  So take it or leave it.

Stoic wisdom, FTW.

I don't discount the possibility of turning colleagues into genuine friends but, like KitLily, that's never worked for me. Once the common ground of the job is gone, any friendship rapidly follows. But I'm happy to consider that might say more about me than the people I think are friends.

I think it depends on if you socialise outside work with your colleagues

I agree, this is an important point. Certainly my own mood varies from day to day.


How much competitiveness there is varies from one workplace to another. Anyhow, it's fine and indeed desirable to be friendly toward one's co-workers, yet be cautious (more so than with most people) about regarding them as potential close friends. Toward people at work, I think it is generally best to have an attitude of "Love many, trust few."

One should be especially cautious about regarding co-workers as potential romantic partners or sex partners. Many companies have policies about this.


True, but people at work can also potentially harm you (e.g. by getting you in trouble with your boss) more than most people can. Being too quick to confide in people at work makes you even more vulnerable (in a bad way).

In non-work situations too, it's good to be cautious about whom one confides in, but one should be especially cautious about confiding in people at work.