The challenge of making friends as an autistic introvert....

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I'm writing this thread to gain some insight and possibly new perspectives from members of the community, so if you can contribute in any way please do. Any opinion anyone can share matters to me, even if it's just one sentence. Even limited perspectives are still perspectives that I can learn from.

So I think that making friends is difficult in general in today's society and it's such a common problem that people barely talk about. People are always distracted. They live busy lives, suffer from social anxiety, and always have other priorities. Many people struggle with in the instance where their friendships dissolve when no one is willing to send the first message for an extended period of time. But making friends is even harder as an introvert, and of course, even harder as an introvert with autism as it becomes incredibly difficult to relate to the vast majority of people.

For example, I couldn't get into popular music if I tried because the hottest rappers and pop stars just don't appeal to me. They seem very foreign and unrelatable and their music just isn't for me, yet when I was a child I thought I liked some of these artists until I discovered underground music which I did fall in love with and I realized I just enjoyed music in general. Most popular games don't appeal to me, although I do admit I am a sucker for Nintendo franchises. Most popular movies and television shows don't appeal to me either, and the thing I like most is deep conversations about topics like philosophy and sociology, which don't appeal to the majority of people.

On top of that, I'm also a mostly serious person. Don't get me wrong, I can be silly and joke around. Sure I can get people to laugh hard at my jokes from time to time. But it seems like the vast majority of people would rather joke around or engage in small talk and other meaningless topics all day, as if they don't ever really have anything on their mind to talk about and just go with the flow of things. As for me, I always have topics to discuss but people don't seek conversation with me.

I hope none of what I'm saying comes off as condescending or close minded, because I'm really not that kind of person if you get to know me even if it seems like that on the surface. The truth is I respect people a lot, even those who are the complete opposite of me in personality. I just find it incredibly challenging to fit in, especially in groups where people tend to match each other's energies, banter non-stop and all that.

How does a person like me make more friends? How do YOU make friends? How do you feel about your own friendships? Are you comfortable with them or do you fear abandonment?

I could have written that.

I don't know. The only time I've made any new friends as an adult was when I joined a creative writing group about 10 years ago. Or at least, I thought we all became friends. But the reality was that group disbanded and people drifted away and no-one but me ever made any effort to see each other outside of that group so maybe they weren't my friends at all. I'm not good at 'pushing' my company on people so I tend to let them come to me and they inevitably don't. I think maybe this is interpreted as me not liking them.

But I think there's something to the idea that friends happen as a side-effect of doing things. If you're in your house all day there's a low chance you're going to make any friends. If you go out and do something you like, you may come across others who like that stuff too and then you at least have a chance.

One thing I figured out early in life was that the key to finding potential friends is NOT to try to fit in with the majority of people, but rather to seek out fellow oddballs.

Suggestion: Go on Meetup.com and look for groups that deal with philosophy and sociology.

Also, look for autistic adult support and social groups. Autistic people are more likely than the average person to enjoy in-depth conversation.

It's even worse as you get older. I don't know if it's different for women, but for men, it's really hard to make friends as an adult. Most other men are married and it's very hard, if not impossible for single adults to make and maintain friendships with married men as they simply don't have the time to interact with their single friends.

I make friends ONLY through shared activities and passions. Without that common element, there's nothing for me to base the relationship on, since I'm incompetent at and get no pleasure from small talk.

Suggestion to various people in this thread:

Consider the possibility of attracting a potential friend or two here on WP (as I have succeeded in doing). To that end, if you have not done so already:

1) Edit your profile to mention your approximate geographic location. Don't be specific enough to endanger your privacy, but do at least mention your country, and, if you live in a large country, mention your state/province/region and/or nearest major metro area.

2) Edit your profile to include a signature line that mentions your interests and/or important values.

I've struggled to find people that share interests AND have compatible personalities with me. Usually it's one or the other.

I did a lot of competitive and casual in-person gaming but found most gamers didn't have much in common with me. Some were frustratingly insecure hyper-competitive tryhards. Many were surprisingly normal aside from their one hobby. Most of those that were uber-geeks were very stereotypical: immature, unable to have serious conversations, and absolutely uninterested in outdoor activities.

Outdoor activities had similar problems. Many outdoor groups in my area are retirees. Anything involving sports seems to attract very athletic types that I can't keep up with (plus some hyper-competitive types). The people who do paddle and hike are often very normal people. They're not intellectuals or geeks. Often they're thrillseekers.

On the rare occasions I do meet someone who has shared interests and compatible personality when I try to reach out about friendship they don't seem interested. It's very frustrating to keep extending a proverbial hand that seems to never be taken.

The weird thing is that people who know me rarely dislike me. I get along with all my coworkers. If I was stuck on the side of a road somewhere there are dozens of people I know who would respond to a call for help. There just isn't anybody who is interested in hanging out with me.

In the last decade I've made exactly two friends, and both of them are failed romantic relationships. Like my old circle of friends they've moved away too.

This is one of the reasons why we need groups of autistic people with specific hobbies.


I'm a bit surprised to hear the bit about "uber-geeks" being "unable to have serious conversations," although the lack of interest in athletics is no surprise.


When you attend a group devoted to one of your interests, have you ever tried quietly advertising your other interests, e.g. by wearing T-shirts, buttons, or other regalia pertaining to your other interests? That way, hopefully you could attract the attention of some of the few people who share your other interests.


How do you go about reaching out about friendship?


It's great that you have "dozens of people ... who would respond to a call for help." Many of us do not have that.