How to get along with a spouse in uncertain changes

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To give some background on me. I am 56 and been married for almost 10 years, known my wife for 12. We have had a rocky marriage, including some separations. I just found out that I'm autistic a year ago. She identifies as ADHD and "on the spectrum".

So, she still to this day questions my "armchair physician" self diagnosis. It is not uncommon for intense emotion to burst out due to regulation problems. I try to communicate with her even when we are both calm but it .. helps a fraction of an amount .. for a few days ...

I am insisting on couples counseling for us. We communicate well but not when we don't, then it is horrid.

So, I'm not sure what I'm asking for in this post. But I wonder.

How do any of you deal with a long-term relationship that is always on the rocks and always about to go off the rails, but still has the whole co-dependent mutually afraid vibe? I want to fix this. Or at least make it more stable.

We will always be who we are.

Oh shoot, I was being too brief. More background.

We just got land in November. For a month (was supposed to be week max) I had to stay with her mom, who both is afraid of all men (except her sons) and hates all of her childrens' mates.

I made it almost 4 weeks before a meltdown by staying in the guest room all day every day.

So finally just after 1/1 we got our place powered. But then, dangerous stairs, 6' off the ground for flood plain, deck JUST got built after 17 days straight of construction noise (it was a super custom job) and my wife's ex comes in for a visit and she wants to stay away from me to visit him.

Anyway, just saying. That's the "uncertain change" part.

marriage is all about communication and cooperation, compromise, companionship. Couples therapy is a great idea! relationships never work when only one person is trying, it takes both persons trying to reach and understand and support the other... therapy can help you understand each other and find better ways of interacting so both of you can get your needs met. Cheering you on, keep us posted!

Thank you. The last few days are better. We've been talking and listening, and we have the appointment application in. So we are both getting back to stable, and also know we need help communicating.